Someone asked me how I was feeling this morning and with zero bullshit I said “Great!” I fully meant it too. A hundred or so Thursday’s ago this response would have been flat and sarcastic or worse, a weak but hopeful lie. Throughout my first few stints of sobriety I was really struggling with some health issues. I was seeing doctors that were not seeing me. They would do blood work and stare blankly at the results while they talked rather than look me in the eye. They never came back with anything definitive. My hormone levels were out of whack. My period had basically disappeared. My kidneys were in bad shape. They were concerned about my thyroid. One doctor screened me for cancer. Another wanted to put me on hormones. None of them said anything about the fact that I weighed 110 lbs. No one asked me what (or if) I was eating or how I was sleeping. No one asked about my stress levels. They seemed unconcerned that my hair was falling out or that my blood pressure was so low I got dizzy just standing up. When I told them I was sober and used to binge drink often no one asked why… as if my health and whatever underlying emotional issue that I had been drinking about were not connected. I felt hollow, ghostly even. How could I not? Those doctors just would not look at me. To make it worse I was seeing someone at the time and my health (or lack there of) seemed to repel him. The sicker I got and the more I hoped he would show up for me the further he drifted. I took it personally. It made me feel like I was not worth caring for. Of course, we see things the way we are. I was the one not caring for me. What he did or did not do, really didn’t matter much at all. I was underweight because I was not eating well and the drinking had left my body in a state where it could not absorb the nutrients I needed from what I did manage to eat. I was starved. Physically and emotionally and while it was convenient to blame others the issue was with me. One day, at another expensive doctors visit she said the words “autoimmune disease” and I just woke up. There it was. The call was coming from inside the house. My body was attacking itself. I was attacking myself. I had managed to get sober but the same issues had persisted. I suddenly knew I did not need to see these doctors anymore. I had been outsourcing my self care and that had to stop. On my drive home I thought about the hateful ways I talked to myself in my head and how much it was hurting me. I thought about all the drinking I had done to drowned out all that hate and I cried. Partially because I was starting to feel all the things I had never wanted to feel but mostly I just was relieved. I had broken down and I could not run from myself anymore.
This was the first time I had been sober long enough to see what the real problem was. I finally felt available and aware enough to fix my relationship, with myself. The guy was long gone by this point but that day I stopped taking it personally. I realized that yeah, maybe he did not care and if so he had not done anything that I had not done to myself. It was also likely that my being mysteriously ill scared him and he just did not know how to handle the situation. Not ideal but, fair. These days I am healthier than I have ever been. Sometimes I catch glimpses of the past in the people I work with and I am so grateful to be in a place that helps others know that it can be different.

Day 187: Hot salad & lemonade with ginger and turmeric// Sautéed kale, pattypan squash, scallions, portobello mushrooms with avocado and an egg that flew a little too close to the sun. No worries though. If you ever over fry your egg, “nothing is fucked here” just chop it up and pretend you meant to do that. * wink *

Check it: Having citrus with your greens helps you absorb the iron in them, plus it tastes great.