Gratitude

Today is National Gratitude day. This is something that causes me to roll my eyes.. initially. I have the same reaction to things like Mothers Day or International Women’s Day. I just get frustrated/exhausted/annoyed by the fact that we need to mark a date on the calendar as a reminder to bring awareness to/celebrate that which is so obviously valuable. But once my eyes stop rolling I can see clearly that there is a need to be reminded. I mean.. I still have to stop a few times a day & remind myself to “just breath” & that’s the most basic of things.. so.. Happy National Gratitude Day!

What are you feeling grateful for in this moment?

Today I have all the gratitude for the second spring we appear to be having here in Austin. The amazing cantaloupe I had this morning. My mother, who I need to call. The farm in my neighborhood. Sunshine. My new bike. Forgiveness. 3+ yearsof Sobriety. My partner. Autumn.. &.. why not - National holidays.

I try to take a moment each day to list a few things I am grateful for. Even if it’s just a mental list. Sometimes I do this while I’m sitting at a red light. It helps to keep my brain from moaning about traffic & “other people”.. which my brain just luhvs to do.

Anyhow - Please take a second to share below what you are feeling grateful for today. It would mean a lot to me.

B

P.S. Another great way to pass the time & maybe even feel grateful for a red light is to do your kegels while you’re waiting your turn. Just sayin’.

Choice

Some mornings I wake up & really miss the routine I had while keeping up with my little 365 days of breakfast project. It was 2020 & I was leaning into my first year of sobriety, feeling a little less raw each day - despite the pandemic & the seemingly new found level of uncertainty it presented us all with. In July I celebrated 3 years of sobriety. The uncertainty persists but somehow that feels ok, manageable. A round of applause for better daily practices, coping mechanisms & the absence of anxiety inducing booze. Anyhow, I was thinking this morning. Thinking about over thinking. Thinking about thinking vs. feeling. Thinking about what I can & can not control. As I worked through my yoga routine all the thoughts reduced down into the sweet little reminder that I often need. So I wanted to pop in to share it here…

I control what I think about.

It’s simple & maybe annoyingly obvious but I do not believe I am alone in regularly forgetting that there is a choice. Part of me wants to say is that all it takes is a little awareness but let’s be real - some days it takes a heroic dose of awareness.

Anyway - happy weekend. I hope it’s peaceful & fun. I hope you choose to think beautiful, creative, connective, constructive thoughts. May your moments of awareness outnumber the times when you forget the choice is yours.

B

For old times sake - breakfast today was coconut yogurt with maple chia pudding, strawberries, raspberries, bloobs, pecans, pumpkin seeds & cocao nibs. Protein, fiber, fat, flavor, color, fuel.

Bangs, coconut yogurt & maple chia pudding with raspberries, strawberries, bloobs, pecans, pumpkin seeds & cocao nibs.

1,000 Days Sober

“It is therefore senseless to think of complaining since nothing foreign has decided what we feel, what we live, or what we are.”
— Jean-Paul Sartre

A poetic way to say - own your shit…
Today I am 1,000 days sober. My life has changed for the better in a myriad of ways but, gaining the superpower to take responsibility for my shit (and my accomplishments) has perhaps been the greatest gift. Looking back I am amazed by how much energy I have wasted in this life making excuses & shifting blame to something/ someone beyond myself. 1,000 days in - this is where I am with sobriety. Feeling brave/ humble enough to point to my failures, trash heaps and treasure troves and say, “I made that…” Owning all of it, not just the best parts, has been a boon to my self esteem AND (at times) it has kept me from repeating painful patterns. That being said, I am happy to report that I am still a work in progress and don’t have it all figured out yet. I assume I would be bored if it were any other way.

So today, to celebrate I will nourish myself in meaningful ways.. meditate a little bit longer, work on some art, take a walk, pick some flowers, give my full attention to the people I connect with, have dinner outside somewhere and maybe (probably)… get some ice cream. Maybe do one of these things today too and w celebrate with me?

-B

P.S. My trumpet vine is doin’ real good so I wanted to show her off today. May we all bloom as prolifically as she does.

Stability

Wake up.
Drink hot water.
Take cold shower.
Meditate.
Morning Pages.
Do yoga.
Eat.
Get dressed.
Go to work..

This is most mornings. When I do it differently the world doesn’t end but it does seem to wobble.
Routine/ Discipline has never come easy for me, but I’ve been experimenting with it for a while now and it does provide me a sense of stability that is quite comforting. A long time ago I read somewhere that people put a high value on novelty but what we really crave is stability. Makes sense.. in a world where nothing is certain, it feels good to have some sense of firm ground under your feet. Even if it’s an illusion. When it was posed to me though - the words made me scrunch up my nose and think “yuck” but these days I feel it is right on. Maybe my tune has changed because of sobriety. Maybe it is just that I am getting older.. or some combination of the two? Either way, I like it.

So I haven’t been here, updating this blog or online for much of anything beyond work, which has had my full attention lately. Staying logged out gives me more energy to focus on creative endeavors. Which, I added some new work here and opened a little etsy shop that I will be adding more things to. I do miss the energy, creativity and engagement I felt when I started this blog so I’m going to try working it into my routine on my days off.

I’m curious, what is your morning routine? How do you cultivate stability in your day to day? Have you tried cold showers? Because I didn’t want to buy into the hype (at all!) but I think it’s changing my life…

-B

P.S. Here is a digital piece I finished recently that visually sums up my mood these days.. let me know what you think in the comments below.

Balance

I woke up today and felt called to focus my mediation and yoga practice on balance. Maybe it is due to the fact that we are fully into Libra season right now. This sign fascinates me. It’s element is air and the over all energy is balance. Two things that feel contradictory to me. The terms  “swept off my feet” & “blown away” come to mind. As I was teetering on my mat this morning, attempting to reach some new depth in natarajasana (dancer pose), I was thinking about this juxtaposition. Considering what all it takes to not only find but maintain balance. Literally and figuratively. You gotta be self aware. Focused. Patient. Persistent. Willing to fall/fail and play with the parameters of your body or the situation. Not to mention that you will most likely have to remind yourself to keep breathing a from time to time. If I wanted to sum it up politely I guess I would say that balance is a, um… very engaging pursuit. But what I really want to say is - balance is challenging AF. Be it in a yoga practice or life at large.  

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Taking issues that I have struggled with in my life to my yoga mat (such as balance, softness, presence, endurance, strength, vulnerability, etc.) has been a key part of my recovery. It has given me regular opportunities to accept and feel these things in my body. To recalibrate my nervous system and my perception in a safe space.  As a person who has been prone anxiety caused by thinking their feelings, at times this has been pretty damn uncomfortable (which was something else I desperately needed to learn how to let myself feel). 

My final take away from today’s time on the mat was “You will go where your eyes go.” This reminder came to me as I lost my balance, tipped forward and nearly ate shit when I got distracted by a blue jay on the patio who was dicking around with one of my plants. Once again - turns out not everything is worth my attention. 

 xo - B

10.7.21 Chia experiment… I made a chia seed pudding - but it turned out more like jello & less like pudding due to the fact that I used coconut water instead of oat milk. It’s not as creamy this way but it does kinda taste like an island vacation & it is loaded with electrolytes. Win win. Topped off with bananas, strawberries, sunflower seeds & hemp hearts.

This is temporary

Some days start late.. today is one of them. I did not sleep very well. That is an understatement. I slept like crap. Too much on my mind, perhaps. So I am out of it. I didn’t get to my breakfast the way I like & I am feeling crabby or distant or generally unamused & even a little daffy. Whatever the combination - this is temporary.

Which is basically the number one thing everything has in common. Good or bad. Right or wrong. Sleep deprived or fully present... It is all temporary. Another lovely lesson I have learned & accepted in sobriety. Knowing this deeply is what gets us through the uncomfortable moments when we want to say “fuck it” & fall into a bottle of Malbec.. or tequila.

When I stepped outside with my tea this morning, to get a feel for what the world is doing today, I saw these beautiful late blooms on the morning glory vine that is growing up my staircase. They are so big, beautiful & delicate. They only last a day or two before they wither & fall. Again, temporary. Because sometimes temporary is truly beautiful I snapped a photo of the best in show to share with all of you. I hope you all find a way to enjoy each moment today - for whatever it has to offer.
xo - B

Transformation Tuesday

Sometimes the beginning of a transformation gets us transfixed on what is behind us. It’s a contradictory move as it is real damn hard to move forward when you are looking back but I think it’s a pretty natural thing to do. There’s a lot of grief in walking away from what we’ve known. Even if what we have known hurt like hell or no longer works. I was craning my neck in early sobriety & it really slowed me down.. er.. brought me down. Today though, I wanted to share something simple I did the first week of my sobriety that had everything to do with looking back but was monumental in helping me move forward into my transformation.

I had been rummaging through a box of pen pal letters trying to find a friends address when I came across a picture of myself as a kid. Happy, in a tree, wearing rad AF high tops, genuinely smiling. I had the thought that if I could go back to that moment and start all over again, I would. It made me cry. Which was VERY uncomfortable for me at the time (Feelings? Yuck). Looking at her I felt what that little girl had wanted her life to be like & how I had epically failed to make it all come together. So I sat there & wallowed in the deep, dark, shitty feeling that is being your own disappointment & then… I remembered that time had not stopped. The fat lady was not singing. The bell had not rung.

I got up & put that picture on my fridge. I wanted to see that face every day. To be reminded of the dreams, energy, imagination & optimism she had. To remind me to do better for her. Because in reality so much of me is & will forever be her. Happy, in a tree, wearing rad AF high tops, genuinely smiling with her whole life in front of her. 

Years later, still sober & she is still there on the fridge. I see her first thing every morning when I make breakfast & sometimes I give her a high five. I mean how could I not? She’s awesome. 

10.5.2021 Leftover banana waffles with peanut butter, zodiac pear, strawberries & cocao nibs - for my inner child. 

Paradise Found

Can we make Monday an official Sunday Pt II? I spend a lot of time thinking about how we create our reality & if this life can look like anything we want it to - I think that more Sunday action is at least worth considering. They’re just so good. Who’s in?

While Austin City Limits was at full tilt yesterday & the city was booming with people, I opted out. My introverted ass spent the day eating tacos in the park, walking my friend Jen’s dog while she had to work a double & putting together a puzzle. Just a few of my favorite things. I have always loved a puzzle but when I first got sober it was different. I was like “Bad ass! Something to keep me distracted & busy!” After a while though I started to find more zen & even some wisdom in it. Little reminders that it helps to shift my perspective when things feel impossible. The reality that hard things can also be quite fun. The over all understanding that I have everything I need right in front of me. All I ever have to do is focus. apply patience, allow it to come together & enjoy the process. Real talk though - the addict in me wanted to buy every damn puzzle I came across. Because if one is good all of them is the best, right? Rather than leaning into that desire and ultimately become the “weird puzzle lady” I have compromised by only allowing myself to buy food themed puzzles. Which thrills me to no end - obvs. The people at Piecework get me. They’ve got all the food puzzles AND they come with a soundtrack to do them to. There are no words for how happy this makes me. Trust me. I looked.

What little insights do you gain from your leisurely pursuits? I wanna know!

10.4.2021: Chia pudding with oat milk, lions mane, maple syrup, bloobs, pecans and cocao nibs.

Good for the guts, Good for the mind. Easy to prep ahead of time… and I guess we’re rhyming now. Yikes. Time to wrap it up.
xo - B

Ritual

The seasons are shifting and with the temperatures starting to hint at fall I have missed the morning ritual of making breakfast, writing and sharing here. After a year of documenting this part of my day, my path through sobriety and the shifts along the way - I truly needed/wanted a break. And now I have had it. I want to bring it back into my life. As humans we value novelty - perhaps because we are wired to be ultra aware of new things in case they are a threat to our desire to ya know, continue living, but also because it’s the stuff adventure is made of. Plus it is exciting to be able to share new things with others. What we genuinely crave though, is familiarity. In our lives and each other. As a kid my dad always told me “Familiarity breeds acceptance” he was talking about music and what makes something popular on the radio, because that was his job but the message was bigger than all that and I hated it with the power of a million eye rolls. Here I am though - crowding 40 - and the familiar does not send my eyeballs into a backspin anymore. All of this to say that I’m bringing breakfast back. Starting with the last of the summer plums.

10.2.2021: Oatgroats, peanut butter, plums, bloobs, cocao nibs & hemp hearts. For the fiber of it. For the warmth of it. I never hear people mention oatmeal as a comfort food but it is definitely one of mine. Although that wasn’t always the case… Now it tastes like more proof that I am capable of change that sticks.

Working with the Moon in sobriety

I know I generally talk about food here but a healthy diet is more than what ends up on our plate or in our mouths. There are primary “foods” like relationships,  exercise, creativity, joy & spirituality. The moon has been a part of my spiritual practice for the past several years. I found it an easy and fascinating thing to connect to as it is always hanging around in the sky, constantly shifting. Observing it helped me feel grounded in all the shifting that was taking place in my own life. The Full Moon signals us to let go. I came to see it as a cosmi-spiritual exhaling. Honoring and releasing what no longer serves us. On the New Moon we breathe in, calling to us what we want to come in the absence of that which we have released. 

I was super drawn to the Full Moon in early sobriety. I was ready to clear things out! Physically, materially & emotionally. Painful as it may have been. It felt like universally sanctioned and scheduled time to do what needed to be done. Release bad habits, relationships and old issues that were keeping me stuck. Giving my full attention to these things for 1 night a month (processing, journaling, crying, etc) kept me from feeling overwhelmed by them all the time or avoiding them all together. 

Later on I found myself much more drawn to the New Moon. The clearer my life and thinking got in sobriety, the more creative I felt and that, for me, is the energy of the new moon. It’s the big breath in before you take the first step in forging a new path. It’s the vision board for what is ahead. A reminder that we create everything in our lives, so it’s best to take a beat and see it clearly so we know what moves to make in order to create it well. 

The cycle from new to full mimics the natural inhale and exhale of our lives, the world and energy around us. 

Tonight is the Moon is new in the sign it rules over - Cancer. A sensitive, loving, gentle and protective sign. It has come home to rest and begin again, if you will. So, take a cue from this and make some time tonight to honor yourself as home. Set some intentions and call in what is most needed right now for your personal well-being.

What do you need to feel nurtured and cared for?

What do you need to feel safe and loved?

The time is right for manifesting that into your life.

If you found this post helpful and would like to learn more about this please let me know in the comments below. I really enjoy this part of my spiritual practice and I would love to share more of it with y’all if y’all are interested. - B

ch-ch-Changes

I can’t believe it has been months since I posted here. Life has been busy and warm and beautiful. I have been working with clients, making a lot of art and the Herb Bar has been humming along too. On a most exciting note - in a few days I will be 2 years sober. Lately I’ve been feeling more and more like who I thought I would grow up to be… and feeling a little bit like the kid I didn’t really allow myself to be because I was too busy trying to grow up at break neck speed. That is to say I feel as much at peace as I do at play. It is a balance I couldn’t have thought to shoot for.

With the big, beautiful accomplishment of 2 years sober on the horizon I have been thinking about what else is ahead. What do I want to contribute to this world? All I really feel called to do is help others who want to find peace in their own lives, bodies and minds AND make more art. These are the things that make me feel like I am fully showing up here on planet earth.  

I’ve spent the past month (or more) clearing the path for these things to become the focus in my life. I built a website for my coaching practice and I started shifting this blog into a portfolio for my art. As I was moving things around on here I began scrolling back over all the meals I posted there and decided that it is time for me to write a cookbook! 

The idea is Recipes for Recovery, complete with nutritional factoids, philosophical stylings and a pinch of spiritual salt, if you will. It is already in the works and I am really very excited about it! I started a Patreon page for the project. I am posting weekly, seasonal recipes that support ones physical and mental health in sobriety and beyond. Some posts are written blog style with photographs. Others come with how to videos, which has given me a chance to brush up on my camera skills and even implement the animation skills I’ve been teaching myself. 

I would be so touched and honored if you would take a moment and support me in what’s next and there are a few different ways you could go about doing that.

For starters - sharing savoringsobriety.com and/or the Patreon page with anyone you know who is in recovery and could benefit from knowing more about the role nutrition plays in the process would be so incredibly helpful. Becoming a Patron yourself would thrill me to no end. OR you could support my next moves by purchasing a piece of my art or commissioning me to illustrate or animate something for you, your band, your company, etc. 

It would legit mean the world to me. 

I will return to posting here again on a more personal note. Less about food and more about life, human nature, creativity, spirituality & a there will probably be some pop music in there too. 

For old times sake..
Breakfast: cashew yogurt with bloobs, strawberries, walnuts & hemp hearts.

Addicted or Exploited?

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“I would love to read what you think about recovery when the thing you need to recover from is food. Food addiction. It’s real. Not being able to stop. Eating for the wrong reasons. Hunger not going away or coming on so strong late at night it literally hurts.” 

I got this message from a reader recently and instantly the little angsty punk rock kid who forever lives inside of me got so sad and so angry. Not at the person who posed the question but at the corruption of the world we live in. I have a lot of thoughts on the topic of Food Addiction - which IS very real and yet it is not recognized as a diagnosable addiction. We will have to come back to that. I have not spoken about Food Addiction before because it falls under the umbrella of “disordered eating” and it is a sensitive subject that I felt nervous talking about but I am no longer nervous and I am glad someone reached out and to start the conversation. So let’s dig in. 

Most of us are taught to cope, reward, celebrate and unwind with food. We got lollipops at the doctors office and pizza after the big game. We watched starlets run to pints of ice cream when they got dumped by their boyfriends on tv. Our parents promised us our favorite treat in exchange for good behavior and I personally remember being rewarded with gum balls in kindergarten by my teacher. Silly of her since most of us got it stuck in our hair. Anyway - The message has always been there. A good or bad thing happens and then there is food or perhaps the withholding of food as punishment. Our brains are naturally wired for this reward system to keep us alive and then it is reinforced in our society to keep us in line. It has forever been this way but the rewards have changed.. or perhaps mutated is a better way to put it. 

The reality is our society values financial gain beyond anything else and it is making us sick on many levels. When we look at this in regards to food - it comes to mean that most of what ends up on our plate & in our mouths is merely a product and not food at all. In order to “sell sell sell” these products are designed to be highly addictive. Large corporations employ food scientists to create products with a “bliss point” and yes, that is what they call it. A Bliss Point. It describes an unnatural balance of salt, sugar and fat that keep us reaching for more. Why wouldn’t we? It deceptively tastes like survival. 

This can be said about the bulk of our Standard American Diet -  the acronym for which is SAD. Our ravenous desire for these “foods” puts greater pressure on manufacturing and production which causes the quality of the ingredients to go down. Rendering whatever nutritional value was left after being heavily processed, mutated and transformed to virtually zero. Ultimately these products may turn our crank or scratch an itch but they will do fuxk all to meet our physical needs. So the hunger never goes away and we are left starving. Much like the birds they find dead after feeding in the open ocean. Their autopsy’s show nothing but a belly full of plastic. Stuffed and starved. 

Earlier I mentioned that food addiction is not recognized as a clinically diagnosable addiction. If you look in the DSM-5 you will find Alcohol, Tobacco, Stimulants, Cannabis, Opiates & Hallucinogens all of which come with a clinical diagnosis (and probably a prescription if you were open to it) but you will not find food.  I believe this is a sneaky and intentional move that probably has something to do with the FDA. Such an obviously harmful omission would only occur because it benefits a powerful few. If they were to recognize much of our western diet as being potentially addictive that would result in the need to regulate something as seemingly harmless as a bag of Doritos or a can of soda. I have to mention that when I typed out the word Doritos it auto capitalized itself - which is eerie AF. The same does not happen when I type broccoli or apples.. because no singular company holds claim to those or profits wildly from the mass consumption (and benefit) of these legit foods. Can you imagine what the world would be like if 90% of the things innocently sitting on the shelves of the grocery store suddenly had to have a warning label printed on the side of the box? Imagine all the money those companies would have to spend on marketing to get their consumers to overlook it. There goes their profit margin. 

With 70-75% of Americans being overweight or obese I think we could say that many people are potentially suffering from Food Addiction. I’d like to reframe that though and look at it through the lens of exploitation. Are we addicted or are we being manipulated at our most basic level of survival?

There is of course a heavy emotional component to all this. It would be hard for there not to be when we live in an environment that profits from not meeting our needs, making us sick and then putting the blame on the consumer. And it does not care. If you have ever experienced narcissistic abuse this may sound and feel familiar to you. Which can be extra damning because familiarity breeds acceptance. More on this soon.. 

I am going to post a follow up on the emotional ramifications of all this and what I believe recovery from Food Addiction can look like. Stay tuned & chime in. I’d love to know what y’all think about this.

P.S. I consciously capitalized Food Addiction throughout this post for the sake of legitimacy since it is so much more real than a gawd damn Dorito and it deserves to be acknowledged as such.

My favorite thing…

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If you followed my year of breakfasts & eating for recovery you know that I started out not liking oatmeal - at all. It was boring and mushy with zero thrill. I knew it was good for me though so I kept eating it and then one day, I woke up and realized I was in love with it. Finally, I had fallen in love with something that was good for me! Beyond being convenient, cost effective and versatile it is fiber rich and nutrient dense making it ideal for anyone in recovery. I personally prefer oat groats to the traditional rolled oat stuff they gave me as a kid. Technically they are the same thing but the groats (or steel cut oats) are less processed, have more texture and a nuttier flavor. Starting the day with them accounts for about 11% of my daily fiber which fuels my brain, is good for my guts and lowers any extra risk of cardiovascular disease I caused by years of drinking, smoking and eating like crap. It is also great for my bones (most alcoholics run the risk of developing osteoporosis) with its high phosphorus content and they have a fair amount of iron. About 20% of women are iron deficient. I know I was and the effects were shitty and noticeable. I got light headed, felt tired and weak, my hands were always freezing, my heart rate was high for no clear reason and my nails chipped all the time. Groats to the rescue! The copper and zinc doesn’t hurt either. These minerals support the immune and nervous systems. So vital.

Okay okay, enough raving about the nutritional benefits. I say all of this to throw a new recipe your way. It’s easy, delicious and I can not stop eating it! In fact I even had this dish for dinner a few nights ago.

Vegan Oat Groat “Risotto” aka Grisotto
1 serving (for all my fellow single ladies out there)
can easily be doubled, tripled or quadrupled

1/4 cup oat groats
1 1/4 cup veggie stock
1 heaping table spoon nutritional yeast

Soak 1/4 cup of oats in about 1 1/2 cups of cold filtered water and a teaspoon of apple cider vinegar over night. Just throw it in a bowl and leave it. This softens them and saves you time in the morning.

Drain and rinse before cooking.

In a small pot add the rinsed groats and the stock ( + salt if your stock is unsalted - don’t go nuts) and cook at medium heat while stirring every so often to make sure nothing sticks to the bottom of the pot. It will come together pretty quickly. Once the groats have absorbed the liquid take the pot off of the heat so it does not dry out and turn into cement. Throw in your nutritional yeast and stir. Viola!

The nutritional yeast has a cheesy flavor with none of the negative effects of dairy PLUS it is a great source of B vitamins which we desperately need - especially in early recovery.

This is as versatile as regular risotto. You could add mushrooms or top it off with tomatoes and artichoke hearts. Your imagination is the only limitation really. I had mine for dinner the other night with sautéed greens and a roasted portobello mushroom cap. A++

Bored?

An old friend - who I used to drink with a lot - reached out to me recently. They are newly sober and after telling me their story of how they came to the realization that they needed to change their relationship with alcohol they asked me about my sobriety. 

“It’s Friday night and you are at home - alone.. and you’re not drinking. Aren’t you f*cking bored?”

I glanced around my apartment with the wet canvas sitting on my easel, the newly created playlist dancing through the air and my stack of journals, sketchbooks and work papers on the kitchen table.. “Absolutely not.” I said. 

There is so much to do! That being said, in many ways I do less. There’s no hunting for my keys or debit card in the morning. No damage control. I don’t have to practice and anxiously deliver apologies while hungover. I don’t have to hustle to make up for the money I spent at the bar - that I didn’t have to begin with.  There is no boredom in the absence of all of this but this is a profound amount of peace. Instead of writing wounded and angry (or sad ass and regretful) text messages I am working on a book. I am painting. I am talking to you. I am putting the money I would have spent drinking into my savings account and dreaming up all the things that money will one day become. I think if you are feeling bored in early sobriety it is time to get curious. 

My friend went on to tell me how bored they had been and I lovingly joked “well shit - maybe you are boring.” Then I asked them “For real though - are you bored or are you afraid to allow yourself to change? Maybe you’re afraid to become the full expression of yourself?” I know that was true for me and having known this person for most of my adult life I thought it could very well be true for them too. They are hilarious, creative, intelligent, fashionable.. they are fucking memorable! To hear they were bored just did not track. I know my friend has dreams beyond nightcaps and happy hour. We all do.

Once I was a few months into sobriety and deep into the stifling pool of self reflection I had to ask myself - had I not been doing the things I talked about because I was too busy drinking or was I drinking because I was afraid to do those things to begin with? I am certain it was a little bit of both. Funny how creative we are about getting in our own way.

I tossed around some ideas on ways they could be filling the time (long walks, making art, spring cleaning, writing your congress person, writing the next great American novel, karate, etc) and then I posed it to my sober community on Instagram. The responses were awesome and live on in my highlights. Check them out. 

Are you bored? Does that feel like a choice? What are you going to do about it?

A lovely reminder..

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I am not generally a rule person but I believe that one should always leave a note. It was something my parents did and it stuck with me. As I was working out this morning I came to see my tattoos as littles notes I have left for myself over the years. There are a few that really mean a lot me. Both lovely little reminders of who/ where I have been in this life. One of them I got in sobriety.. the other is from the beginning of my heaviest drinking. They usually live tucked away under my clothes but I thought I’d share them since their messages help me every day and well.. who doesn’t love a good tattoo? About 9 years ago my friend Larissa and I went down to get a “bro tat” (that thing where you and your bro have matching tattoos). The tattoo shop was conveniently stacked on top of our favorite bar. We got poked and then went downstairs to drink all the tequila. While I am done with tequila this tattoo lives forever on my chest - above my heart. A litter German autobahn sign that basically means ‘Drive what you got as fast as you can, just keep it on the road’ or as I like to say ‘shiny side up, rubber side down’. My life was chaotic and reckless at the time but I wasn’t miserable or questioning my drinking yet. I was only getting started. There are no regrets about getting this tattoo. I am still in love with it, it’s message and the woman I share it with. It serves as a daily reminder as to how far I’ve come and encourages me to keep going. Shiny side - rubber side down. The other is much larger and personal, so it’s placed on my ribs. The most tender place I could think of. It speaks to transformation, the beauty within it and protection. The ouroboros eating it’s own tail, the journey back to yourself.. Death, birth and resurrection. The thorny rose in full bloom reminds me that nothing is simply one thing. It is delicate and savage. Fragile and able to defend it’s self. The rose has good boundaries. No regrets with this one either - despite the fact that it hurt like hell. Ten out of ten - would do again.

Do you have any tattoos related to your sobriety?  Tell me everything!

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Oh Valentines.. A day I used to simply refer to as VD. Considering many of my romantic relationships have been recurring and painful it always seemed fitting. This Valentine’s Day though.. I am not feeling so jaded. As my good friend Jamey likes to say “I forgive everybody!” And that includes me. Being free of resentments and humbuggery I am fully available to enjoy the love in the air. To celebrate I got up early, made pancakes and hung out with Jarvis Cocker - on the stereo - I’m sure he’s tucked away somewhere brilliant with his girlfriend today. I danced around the kitchen and sipped hot cocoa in my sweats after a good work out. This is love. I am in it. I know today is traditionally about romantic love but that feels a little limiting. After all. it comes in so many other flavors. They need a little recognition too. For example - the Greeks recognized 7 types of love and I applaud them for their differentiation. 

Eros is what they called Romantic love. Philia, intimate authentic friendship - where would we be without this?! They referred to playful flirtatious love as Ludus and Storge was considered unconditional or familial. They called self love Philautia. Funny story about that- the first time I ever saw this word I read it as “fellatio” and I laughed little harder than was maybe warranted but.. considering that falling too far in love with ones self could result in narcissism.. it’s fitting - no? Anyway. Pragma is that decades long committal stuff and Agape was what they saw to be the highest form of love. The kind of love they believed god feels (felt?) for all of us here on earth. I like to think of this more as selfless, charitable or maybe the stuff that ‘I forgive everybody!’ is made of.  

I’ve got some cozy philautia vibes going on over here. Just reveling in and loving on myself. I mean it’s well below freezing outside - could their be a  better time to get wrapped up in myself? Since champagne is the traditional beverage of the day I picked up a bottle of sparkling kefir. It’s non alcoholic, is great for your guts and ultimately your mood. Sexy.

What kind of love are you feeling today and what are you doing to celebrate? Tell me all about it below.

Breakfast today.. Grain Free pancakes topped with yogurt, bananas, bloobs, cocoa nibs and walnuts. I picked up some grain free pancake mix made by Simply Elizabeth.. they were good but my gawd! They did not want to spread or flip or rise or cook all the way through. I finally got the hang of it but this is no beginners pancake. You have been warned. I will be attempting my own grain free mix next time around.

1 year - No Coffee

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A year ago today I gave up coffee! Gasp! It was the corner stone of my morning but one cup would turn me into a jumpy, blathery, mildly aggressive space case. Only later to feel exhausted. There were other signs that it was hurting more than it was helping. I had adrenal fatigue - which made me feel totally reliant on coffee to get me moving but I was just digging a hole. Wonder what adrenal fatigue looks like? Well, fatigue (duh), body aches, unexplained weight loss, wonky hormone levels, low blood pressure, lightheadedness and hair loss.. Yes, my hair was falling out. My eyebrows were disappearing too. Not great. On top of that I could not focus but I felt so much urgency to do so. Coffee is delicious but ultimately unsettling - for me. It is a drug and my nervous system does not dig it. C’est la vie. I’m not shit talking coffee here but I do have to say that I feel so much better without it and look! I have eyebrows! If any of these things sound familiar to you I want you to know that - just like booze - there is life after coffee and it’s pretty damn good. I realized that what I enjoyed mostly was the ritual, the warmth and the occasionally communal aspect of it. Very similar to the things I enjoyed about booze… The ritual was easy enough to replace. To get my energy up I just started exercising in the mornings. To meet the desire for a warm cup of something - I played around with a lot of different coffee substitutes. Rasa and Choffee are my favorites but right now I am really enjoying hot cocoa. I feel very engaged after I drink it and without any sense of tension or urgency plus it’s delicious. The cocoa powder itself is ultra dark and very grounding. Lately I have been adding a little Turkey Tail mushroom powder to it for bonus points. This one in particular has a lot of benefits - namely it’s immune boosting abilities and gut healing properties. In recovery our guts need some extra love. Our digestive tracts get drowned out with booze and this is where we become deficient and imbalanced. I recommend Turkey Tail to nearly all of my clients as a prebiotic to help wake things up and balance them out.

For those of you that are no fan of the mushroom I want to say that as a powder or tincture they can be added to your meals or beverages and go generally undetected. I promise that in this form they have a very subtle presence that is easily masked. So no need to be yucked out by the fungus amongst us. The benefits can still be yours! I add a teaspoon of Turkey Tail powder to my cocoa and it has a slight bitterness that I would say is comparable to coffee. I balance it out with a little sweetness.

Of course the way we choose to sweeten things can have an unsettling effect as well.. sugar also stresses the adrenal glands. Meaning more trouble for your hormones. Try maple syrup or dates for more rad earthy groundedness along with extra vitamins and minerals like potassium, calcium, b vitamins and magnesium (also found in cocoa) - remember, we talked about the importance and power of magnesium.

The simple act of giving something up that I loved has had some other positive effects. First off, saying no to things is often more fun and empowering than you think it will be. Secondly, not being reliant on an outside energy source is freeing AF. Thirdly (ugh what a strange word, right?), I get to try more things! Experience stuff I would not have otherwise. That is almost always a win.

So I’m curious - what is your relationship with coffee? Have you ever considered giving it up?

Hola

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Hello World! I’ve been logged into the 3D a touch more lately. Doing all things that turn my crank.. like painting, yoga-ing & working on some stuff I’ll be able to share with y’all soon.. but I see there are a bunch of new faces around here so I wanted to take a second to reintroduce myself.. I’m Bonnie Rue! I started my sobriety journey about 4 years ago.. there have been some missteps, I mean - learning opportunities - along the way... but I am now 19 months sober. Which feels amazazing. I am also a professional chef who spent some time cooking at a recovery center. My experience there changed the way I approach my own sobriety & inspired me to go back to school so I could help others recover - from the inside out. Anyhow, about a year ago I started this blog documenting everything I ate for breakfast for an entire year. I needed something to hold me accountable in my efforts to heal my body & mind from all the neglect & damage I did over the years. If you need a little inspiration, guidance or want to see/read about someone else’s recovery journey you have come to the right place.

I truly believe creating a strong biological foundation in recovery makes us more available to the psychological & spiritual aspects of the journey. They are all connected of course. Just like we are. It’s a beautiful thing.

Breakfast today.. sautéed kale, parsley, garlic and mushrooms with a little lemon & dukkah on top + a soft boiled farm egg. I put seeds and nuts on damn near everything. 1. Because I like crunch & 2. They have a bunch of omega’s that help my brain do it’s job + it makes since to eat something that is the literal potential for growth when growing is your agenda. Right? Hell yeah.

Blue

I have been depressed lately. I get quiet when I am blue. I don’t like posting when I am processing my my less awesome feelings. It feels like I’m trying to distract myself or get some kind of instant gratification to ease what is ailing me.. and a big part of sobriety for me is sitting with anything I do not want to feel and learning (again and again) that I will survive it.  Here’s what I’ve been sitting with.. 

In sobriety (or in any great effort to heal and improve) your community is likely to change. You are going to lose people. Friends, significant others, family members - who might not understand how to relate to you anymore.. or who will feel triggered by your sobriety or your growth. Your circle will change and you will learn to connect and relate in new ways. You will become more aware and discerning about who and what you share your time and energy with. It is equal parts “hell yes” and “no thank you.” I broke my sobriety quite a few times over the past 4 years trying to reach back into the past and connect with old friends. I missed them. Part of me knew that if they were meant to be with me during this new chapter of my life that they would be. No reaching back or falling into old habits necessary.. but so many times another part of me just did not want that to be the truth so, I would have to go check. These days between sobriety and Covid I do not have as many friends as I once did. I still miss some people more than I could say and - real talk - I have been grieving the loss of one of them especially hard lately. That’s why I’ve been a little quiet. Just taking the time to feel my feels. I have to say that it totally sucks but sometimes that’s just what it is to feel. And I am grateful to be available to my own pain. I am also truly grateful for the friends that are still here and the new friends I have made since I quit drinking. These relationships are made of different shit and there’s more room to grow within them. If you are experiencing some major shifts in your relationships right now,  beyond wanting to give you a hug - there’s a few things I want to say to you (and me too).. 

  • Peoples actions (or inactions) are about them - not you. *If you are anything like me you may need to repeat this to yourself a few hundred times..

  • It’s ok to grieve the loss of these relationships. Don’t rush the process. Don’t let pride keep you from feeling and expressing it. Anger, depression, disbelief.. all of it. If you do not feel through it you will have to drag it around with you - this is exhausting and it breeds resentment. Take it from one who knows.

  • Maybe some relationships are not over forever but they are not in your highest good for right now. Do not look back. If these relationships are meant to be a part of your life they will appear again - down the road.

  • Trust that sometimes the universe is just clearing some space for you to grow. Trust that you are not alone.

Today I ate a banana by the river before I met some ladies to pick up trash that washed up on the shore. Depression looks like a lot of things.. and sometimes there’s no energy left for photo documentation.

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We are 21 days in to Dry January! I’m wondering how you’re feeling. Excited? Free? Blissed out? Or not so much? When I first got sober some of the vitamin and mineral deficiencies I was suffering from kept all the shiny happy sober vibes from coming in. That’s why today we are talking about Magnesium! IF I were feeling kooky and felt the desire to pick a favorite mineral deficiency THIS would be the one! Why? The solutions are all of my favorite things! Before we get into that though.. lets look at the tell-tale signs that your body is crying out for magnesium.. Are you still feeling anxious despite having cut out the booze? Do you ever get that wholly uncomfortable (and truly annoying) eye twitch? Do you get leg cramps? Does your heart flutter or randomly pick up the pace out of no where? Do your feet go numb or tingle? Do you regularly feel exhausted yet have a hard time sleeping? If so - you might have a magnesium deficiency.

Why is magnesium important? Well, it is part of the electrolyte family. It regulates calcium, potassium and sodium in the body (this is where the leg cramping and eye twitching come in). It also helps the body absorb and utilize other minerals and enzymes which we know we need help getting our bodies back into absorption mode since alcohol really stifles that process. Magnesium is also necessary for over 300 biochemical functions and our bodies do not make this stuff - but Mother Nature has our back. Unfortunately over 80% of Americans suffer from this mineral deficiency. So.. that’s a lot of eye twitchy humans walking around. Try to keep this in mind and be patient with each other. I don’t know how this statistic of 80% correlates to alcohol consumption here in America but I feel certain that they are linked. This deficiency is also brought on by food choices - obvs - but beyond diet and alcohol consumption we can look to soil depletion, digestive issues and some medications as a root cause. So, what can be done? I’m glad you asked! We want to regularly be eating our greens. Spinach and chard have the highest amounts of magnesium and they are both cheap and easy to prepare. When I was chefing at the rehab we had rainbow card growing in the garden and it showed up in nearly every meal. Some clients got a little sick and tired of it but knowing that they showed up sick and tired of their own shit I felt it was ok to keep putting chard on their plate. So what else.. Pumpkin seeds! Snack on them. Double down and put them on your spinach salads, add them to your granola mix, make a seed cheese. They are delicious. Almonds, walnut and cashews, are solid choices too. I fully endorse almond butter - great for snacking, smoothies and even some sauces. Avocados! Go ahead and lean into your avocado toast desires. Bonus point for putting it on sourdough - your body digs that fermentation. Speaking of fermented.. yogurt and kefir are great sources of magnesium. Now we have arrived at my top two favorite magnesium sources… DARK chocolate and baths.. No, I’m not saying you should bathe in dark chocolate. That’s messy and a waste of good chocolate. Although.. given the opportunity I believe I would try it. What I am saying is treat yourself with a good quality dark chocolate bar (my favorites are pictured below) and take regular baths with magnesium flakes. Doesn’t that sound like an amazing way to wrap up the day? I do this a few times a week - lounge in the tub with a book and a dark chocolate square or two.. I sleep so well those nights and my body feels amazing in the morning. You could also forego your morning of coffee and make yourself a cup of Reality Check Hot Cocoa.. just a thought.

So I am curious - do you feel like you might have a magnesium deficiency? If so which of these delightful solutions are most enticing to you?

Oh and please share this information with anyone you know who is struggling in early sobriety. Since so many of us self medicate for our anxiety this can really help keep us feel calmer and potentially avoid relapse. Now.. chocolate!

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