Transformation Tuesday

Sometimes the beginning of a transformation gets us transfixed on what is behind us. It’s a contradictory move as it is real damn hard to move forward when you are looking back but I think it’s a pretty natural thing to do. There’s a lot of grief in walking away from what we’ve known. Even if what we have known hurt like hell or no longer works. I was craning my neck in early sobriety & it really slowed me down.. er.. brought me down. Today though, I wanted to share something simple I did the first week of my sobriety that had everything to do with looking back but was monumental in helping me move forward into my transformation.

I had been rummaging through a box of pen pal letters trying to find a friends address when I came across a picture of myself as a kid. Happy, in a tree, wearing rad AF high tops, genuinely smiling. I had the thought that if I could go back to that moment and start all over again, I would. It made me cry. Which was VERY uncomfortable for me at the time (Feelings? Yuck). Looking at her I felt what that little girl had wanted her life to be like & how I had epically failed to make it all come together. So I sat there & wallowed in the deep, dark, shitty feeling that is being your own disappointment & then… I remembered that time had not stopped. The fat lady was not singing. The bell had not rung.

I got up & put that picture on my fridge. I wanted to see that face every day. To be reminded of the dreams, energy, imagination & optimism she had. To remind me to do better for her. Because in reality so much of me is & will forever be her. Happy, in a tree, wearing rad AF high tops, genuinely smiling with her whole life in front of her. 

Years later, still sober & she is still there on the fridge. I see her first thing every morning when I make breakfast & sometimes I give her a high five. I mean how could I not? She’s awesome. 

10.5.2021 Leftover banana waffles with peanut butter, zodiac pear, strawberries & cocao nibs - for my inner child. 

Paradise Found

Can we make Monday an official Sunday Pt II? I spend a lot of time thinking about how we create our reality & if this life can look like anything we want it to - I think that more Sunday action is at least worth considering. They’re just so good. Who’s in?

While Austin City Limits was at full tilt yesterday & the city was booming with people, I opted out. My introverted ass spent the day eating tacos in the park, walking my friend Jen’s dog while she had to work a double & putting together a puzzle. Just a few of my favorite things. I have always loved a puzzle but when I first got sober it was different. I was like “Bad ass! Something to keep me distracted & busy!” After a while though I started to find more zen & even some wisdom in it. Little reminders that it helps to shift my perspective when things feel impossible. The reality that hard things can also be quite fun. The over all understanding that I have everything I need right in front of me. All I ever have to do is focus. apply patience, allow it to come together & enjoy the process. Real talk though - the addict in me wanted to buy every damn puzzle I came across. Because if one is good all of them is the best, right? Rather than leaning into that desire and ultimately become the “weird puzzle lady” I have compromised by only allowing myself to buy food themed puzzles. Which thrills me to no end - obvs. The people at Piecework get me. They’ve got all the food puzzles AND they come with a soundtrack to do them to. There are no words for how happy this makes me. Trust me. I looked.

What little insights do you gain from your leisurely pursuits? I wanna know!

10.4.2021: Chia pudding with oat milk, lions mane, maple syrup, bloobs, pecans and cocao nibs.

Good for the guts, Good for the mind. Easy to prep ahead of time… and I guess we’re rhyming now. Yikes. Time to wrap it up.
xo - B

Bored?

An old friend - who I used to drink with a lot - reached out to me recently. They are newly sober and after telling me their story of how they came to the realization that they needed to change their relationship with alcohol they asked me about my sobriety. 

“It’s Friday night and you are at home - alone.. and you’re not drinking. Aren’t you f*cking bored?”

I glanced around my apartment with the wet canvas sitting on my easel, the newly created playlist dancing through the air and my stack of journals, sketchbooks and work papers on the kitchen table.. “Absolutely not.” I said. 

There is so much to do! That being said, in many ways I do less. There’s no hunting for my keys or debit card in the morning. No damage control. I don’t have to practice and anxiously deliver apologies while hungover. I don’t have to hustle to make up for the money I spent at the bar - that I didn’t have to begin with.  There is no boredom in the absence of all of this but this is a profound amount of peace. Instead of writing wounded and angry (or sad ass and regretful) text messages I am working on a book. I am painting. I am talking to you. I am putting the money I would have spent drinking into my savings account and dreaming up all the things that money will one day become. I think if you are feeling bored in early sobriety it is time to get curious. 

My friend went on to tell me how bored they had been and I lovingly joked “well shit - maybe you are boring.” Then I asked them “For real though - are you bored or are you afraid to allow yourself to change? Maybe you’re afraid to become the full expression of yourself?” I know that was true for me and having known this person for most of my adult life I thought it could very well be true for them too. They are hilarious, creative, intelligent, fashionable.. they are fucking memorable! To hear they were bored just did not track. I know my friend has dreams beyond nightcaps and happy hour. We all do.

Once I was a few months into sobriety and deep into the stifling pool of self reflection I had to ask myself - had I not been doing the things I talked about because I was too busy drinking or was I drinking because I was afraid to do those things to begin with? I am certain it was a little bit of both. Funny how creative we are about getting in our own way.

I tossed around some ideas on ways they could be filling the time (long walks, making art, spring cleaning, writing your congress person, writing the next great American novel, karate, etc) and then I posed it to my sober community on Instagram. The responses were awesome and live on in my highlights. Check them out. 

Are you bored? Does that feel like a choice? What are you going to do about it?

1 year - No Coffee

A year ago today I gave up coffee! Gasp! It was the corner stone of my morning but one cup would turn me into a jumpy, blathery, mildly aggressive space case. Only later to feel exhausted. There were other signs that it was hurting more than it was helping. I had adrenal fatigue - which made me feel totally reliant on coffee to get me moving but I was just digging a hole. Wonder what adrenal fatigue looks like? Well, fatigue (duh), body aches, unexplained weight loss, wonky hormone levels, low blood pressure, lightheadedness and hair loss.. Yes, my hair was falling out. My eyebrows were disappearing too. Not great. On top of that I could not focus but I felt so much urgency to do so. Coffee is delicious but ultimately unsettling - for me. It is a drug and my nervous system does not dig it. C’est la vie. I’m not shit talking coffee here but I do have to say that I feel so much better without it and look! I have eyebrows! If any of these things sound familiar to you I want you to know that - just like booze - there is life after coffee and it’s pretty damn good. I realized that what I enjoyed mostly was the ritual, the warmth and the occasionally communal aspect of it. Very similar to the things I enjoyed about booze… The ritual was easy enough to replace. To get my energy up I just started exercising in the mornings. To meet the desire for a warm cup of something - I played around with a lot of different coffee substitutes. Rasa and Choffee are my favorites but right now I am really enjoying hot cocoa. I feel very engaged after I drink it and without any sense of tension or urgency plus it’s delicious. The cocoa powder itself is ultra dark and very grounding. Lately I have been adding a little Turkey Tail mushroom powder to it for bonus points. This one in particular has a lot of benefits - namely it’s immune boosting abilities and gut healing properties. In recovery our guts need some extra love. Our digestive tracts get drowned out with booze and this is where we become deficient and imbalanced. I recommend Turkey Tail to nearly all of my clients as a prebiotic to help wake things up and balance them out.

For those of you that are no fan of the mushroom I want to say that as a powder or tincture they can be added to your meals or beverages and go generally undetected. I promise that in this form they have a very subtle presence that is easily masked. So no need to be yucked out by the fungus amongst us. The benefits can still be yours! I add a teaspoon of Turkey Tail powder to my cocoa and it has a slight bitterness that I would say is comparable to coffee. I balance it out with a little sweetness.

Of course the way we choose to sweeten things can have an unsettling effect as well.. sugar also stresses the adrenal glands. Meaning more trouble for your hormones. Try maple syrup or dates for more rad earthy groundedness along with extra vitamins and minerals like potassium, calcium, b vitamins and magnesium (also found in cocoa) - remember, we talked about the importance and power of magnesium.

The simple act of giving something up that I loved has had some other positive effects. First off, saying no to things is often more fun and empowering than you think it will be. Secondly, not being reliant on an outside energy source is freeing AF. Thirdly (ugh what a strange word, right?), I get to try more things! Experience stuff I would not have otherwise. That is almost always a win.

So I’m curious - what is your relationship with coffee? Have you ever considered giving it up?

I want you to meet someone..

It froze recently and all my plants had to come in. Including this pathos that has been climbing the wall outside my front door for years now. This is Ridel, my early sobriety buddy. When I first quit drinking I took the path of isolation. It is not for everybody but I needed the hush of solitude to recover and redirect. I took the cue from our modern world. When something is not working for you, what do you do? You unplug it, wait and restart. I cooked for myself, watched movies, mastered the art of napping and read a lot. From self help to comic books, autobiographies and even the liner notes of my LP’s. Taking in other people’s words feeling as if they were all written just for me. Around this time I found myself talking (and occasionally reading out loud) to Ridel a lot. He was the only other living thing around and he was struggling too. Turning yellow and dropping leaves as quickly as I was going grey. My mother gifted me this plant years ago. It was one of many that I received from her - with it a ton of anxiety. Saying “oh you shouldn’t have..” and fully meaning it. I may have gotten her cheek bones but I did not believe myself to be blessed with her green thumbs. It is honestly a miracle that Ridel survived my early 30’s. A time I spent truly heart broken, dragging myself from bed to work, from work to the bar and back to bed again. I blacked out a lot, falling asleep often fully dress, shoes and makeup on to complete the look. I routinely skipped breakfast, unless coffee and ibuprofen count. I certainly was not remembering to water my singular house plant with any regularity. I myself spent the days behind moody UV resistant sunglasses. Hungover and hissing at the sun, surviving on caffeine, wondering when my life was going to turn the fuck around. By the time I hit 35 Ridel and I were both chronically dehydrated and vitamin D deficient. 

After I quit drinking and began spending more time at home talking to my potted companion, the more I noticed that honestly, he was looking pretty shitty. Yes, Ridel had managed to survive under my mediocre and utterly superficial care, but had failed to thrive. A common theme in my life at the time. Out of guilt I picked up some plant food and found it a better spot for him by the window, remembering to open the blinds each day when I got out of bed. I started sitting by the window with Ridel in the morning. I would sip my coffee and together we gazed out the across the yard, giggling as we spied on the neighbors across the way who were very committed to their Nintendo Wii workout.* After a week or so of direct sunshine and regular H2O Ridel’s leaves started looking glossy like the pages of National Geographic. After a month it had grown so much that I needed to repot it. I flattered myself thinking that my company had something to do with it too. Because Ridel was doing something for me. Watching his progress was restoring my confidence in being able to take care of something. It was showing me that you can turn things around. Transform, even. He gave me hope.

Ridel has kept me aware of how far I have come in when I lose perspective or start shit talking myself. We have grown so much together over the years. I have not gotten any taller (which would have been cool) but he has grown into a total beast (at roughly 17 feet long) and I truly love the person looking back at me in the mirror.

*I want it to be known that I no longer spy on the neighbors. Turns out watching others exercise will provide you with exactly zero of the benefits one gets from doing actual exercise, unfortunately. In the end they inspired me to get into a routine of my own.

Day 313: Almond buckwheat muffin with yogurt, pomegranate and bloobs.

It’s stinky but I like it

Day 286: Quinoa with sea veg, kimchi, a perfect egg, bloobs and kiwi.

Kimchi used to be a part of my hangover cure and incorporating it into my diet was (unknowingly) one of the first steps I took on my path to sobriety. I had eaten it before here and there but never with any regularity or intention until I read that kimchi was the new Prozac. I was wicked depressed and eating fermented cabbage seemed worlds easier than making the big changes I really needed to. Duh. So, I started making a weekly kimchi stew. This stuff was my savior and a sign that somewhere deep down I still gave a shit about myself. Brothy.. spicy.. with little silken tofu and a whole lotta gojuchang and kimchi. It made me sweat which had to be a big part of what made me feel better as I had plenty of toxins to release. I usually made it on Sunday nights - when I felt like chewed gum - after a weekend of partying with all the hopes that it would dance my brain chemistry around and out of its depression or magically make my shitty choices somehow work for me. I did this week after month until one day I wondered… what if ALL the good in this food didn’t have to contest with the booze? I knew that alcohol is a depressant. I knew it was tanking mood AND creating an after shock of anxiety that lingered for days - and caused me to drink more. I realized that had been trying to have it both ways and as long as I kept that up anything I tried would be a bandaid. Luckily by the time I finally quit drinking I had already incorporated something into my diet that would be make a huge difference in my sobriety. Delicious, fermented, positively probiotic - kimchi. It provided me with a weekly ritual and it helped to rebuild my microbiome. That is where 90% of our bodies serotonin and 50% of dopamine are produced. With facts like that it is clear this is a huge priority. It could even make all the difference in ones ability to stay sober. It gets mega bonus points for the ability to combat some other health issues that can come from alcohol and substance abuse, such as:

Candida // Inflammation // Weight gain // Premature aging // High cholesterol
Higher risk of Osteoporosis

AND it has loads of potassium which I was talking about yesterday. Sold? You can make it yourself (it honestly isn’t that intimidating) or buy it at the farmers market or grocery store. I like the Mother in Laws Kimchi brand quite a bit and they have a vegan option. A++.

Let’s wrap this up with hunky Brad from Bon Appétit making a little kimchi in the test kitchen, shall we?