Choice

Some mornings I wake up & really miss the routine I had while keeping up with my little 365 days of breakfast project. It was 2020 & I was leaning into my first year of sobriety, feeling a little less raw each day - despite the pandemic & the seemingly new found level of uncertainty it presented us all with. In July I celebrated 3 years of sobriety. The uncertainty persists but somehow that feels ok, manageable. A round of applause for better daily practices, coping mechanisms & the absence of anxiety inducing booze. Anyhow, I was thinking this morning. Thinking about over thinking. Thinking about thinking vs. feeling. Thinking about what I can & can not control. As I worked through my yoga routine all the thoughts reduced down into the sweet little reminder that I often need. So I wanted to pop in to share it here…

I control what I think about.

It’s simple & maybe annoyingly obvious but I do not believe I am alone in regularly forgetting that there is a choice. Part of me wants to say is that all it takes is a little awareness but let’s be real - some days it takes a heroic dose of awareness.

Anyway - happy weekend. I hope it’s peaceful & fun. I hope you choose to think beautiful, creative, connective, constructive thoughts. May your moments of awareness outnumber the times when you forget the choice is yours.

B

For old times sake - breakfast today was coconut yogurt with maple chia pudding, strawberries, raspberries, bloobs, pecans, pumpkin seeds & cocao nibs. Protein, fiber, fat, flavor, color, fuel.

Paradise Found

Can we make Monday an official Sunday Pt II? I spend a lot of time thinking about how we create our reality & if this life can look like anything we want it to - I think that more Sunday action is at least worth considering. They’re just so good. Who’s in?

While Austin City Limits was at full tilt yesterday & the city was booming with people, I opted out. My introverted ass spent the day eating tacos in the park, walking my friend Jen’s dog while she had to work a double & putting together a puzzle. Just a few of my favorite things. I have always loved a puzzle but when I first got sober it was different. I was like “Bad ass! Something to keep me distracted & busy!” After a while though I started to find more zen & even some wisdom in it. Little reminders that it helps to shift my perspective when things feel impossible. The reality that hard things can also be quite fun. The over all understanding that I have everything I need right in front of me. All I ever have to do is focus. apply patience, allow it to come together & enjoy the process. Real talk though - the addict in me wanted to buy every damn puzzle I came across. Because if one is good all of them is the best, right? Rather than leaning into that desire and ultimately become the “weird puzzle lady” I have compromised by only allowing myself to buy food themed puzzles. Which thrills me to no end - obvs. The people at Piecework get me. They’ve got all the food puzzles AND they come with a soundtrack to do them to. There are no words for how happy this makes me. Trust me. I looked.

What little insights do you gain from your leisurely pursuits? I wanna know!

10.4.2021: Chia pudding with oat milk, lions mane, maple syrup, bloobs, pecans and cocao nibs.

Good for the guts, Good for the mind. Easy to prep ahead of time… and I guess we’re rhyming now. Yikes. Time to wrap it up.
xo - B

Bored?

An old friend - who I used to drink with a lot - reached out to me recently. They are newly sober and after telling me their story of how they came to the realization that they needed to change their relationship with alcohol they asked me about my sobriety. 

“It’s Friday night and you are at home - alone.. and you’re not drinking. Aren’t you f*cking bored?”

I glanced around my apartment with the wet canvas sitting on my easel, the newly created playlist dancing through the air and my stack of journals, sketchbooks and work papers on the kitchen table.. “Absolutely not.” I said. 

There is so much to do! That being said, in many ways I do less. There’s no hunting for my keys or debit card in the morning. No damage control. I don’t have to practice and anxiously deliver apologies while hungover. I don’t have to hustle to make up for the money I spent at the bar - that I didn’t have to begin with.  There is no boredom in the absence of all of this but this is a profound amount of peace. Instead of writing wounded and angry (or sad ass and regretful) text messages I am working on a book. I am painting. I am talking to you. I am putting the money I would have spent drinking into my savings account and dreaming up all the things that money will one day become. I think if you are feeling bored in early sobriety it is time to get curious. 

My friend went on to tell me how bored they had been and I lovingly joked “well shit - maybe you are boring.” Then I asked them “For real though - are you bored or are you afraid to allow yourself to change? Maybe you’re afraid to become the full expression of yourself?” I know that was true for me and having known this person for most of my adult life I thought it could very well be true for them too. They are hilarious, creative, intelligent, fashionable.. they are fucking memorable! To hear they were bored just did not track. I know my friend has dreams beyond nightcaps and happy hour. We all do.

Once I was a few months into sobriety and deep into the stifling pool of self reflection I had to ask myself - had I not been doing the things I talked about because I was too busy drinking or was I drinking because I was afraid to do those things to begin with? I am certain it was a little bit of both. Funny how creative we are about getting in our own way.

I tossed around some ideas on ways they could be filling the time (long walks, making art, spring cleaning, writing your congress person, writing the next great American novel, karate, etc) and then I posed it to my sober community on Instagram. The responses were awesome and live on in my highlights. Check them out. 

Are you bored? Does that feel like a choice? What are you going to do about it?

Auld lang syne..

It’s New Years Eve and I am at home as I am sure most people are. Tea and candles and cartoons. The neighbors are popping off fireworks. A bath later with a book or maybe just the new Nick Cave record. Ring in the 2021 with a different kind of bubbles. New Years always makes me think of Dallas. I grew up there and sometimes on New Years I threw up there. No regrets about it though. Not anymore. Those memories feel sweet tonight and play through my mind with a fantastic soundtrack. Cheap champagne and house parties. All ages clubs and getting kicked out for lighting black cats in the bathroom. Bands that were too loud and things just getting started at midnight. Still up when the sun crept over the horizon - we called it gods flashlight.. I’m am grateful to have had those years and lucky to have come out of them in one piece and no handcuffs, more or less. They made me who I am - a lady who is going to be asleep sooner than later tonight and will wake up feeling awesome and knowing where her clothes and car keys are. We say “no regrets” but I think it’s okay to have them for a little while. How else would you learn that like a lot of things - they fade. Perspective comes in like a stream and wears down all the sharp edges of the shoulda’s and woulda’s so one day you can “tak a cup o' kindness yet - For auld lang syne.”

Happy New Year Everyone. I hope you are feeling peaceful, sparkly and loved.

Day 356: Yogurt, prunes, goji berries, pecans, pumpkin seeds, hemp hearts, cacoa nibs, Udo’s 3*6*9 oil and some maple syrup.

Friday’s… ain’t what they used to be.

Friday’s have lost their luster in my world.. between quarantine, sobriety and geez, let’s call it celibacy… Friday is like Thursday or Tuesday. Just another day. Another hangover free day, thankfully. I was thinking though if I could relive any Friday night ever which would it be? Instantly I remembered when Friday’s started with my mom dropping me off at the roller skating rink with my best friend Gabe. Our hair always heavily teased. Friendship bracelets stacked up on our wrists. Dr. Pepper Lip Smackers liberally applied. We said “like” way too much and always got in trouble for chewing gum on the rink. We felt so rebellious. Gum! Can you imagine? We would skate in circles until we had blisters or they killed the lights and made us leave. Whichever came first. In remembrance of those innocent, stellar Friday nights.. I made a little Skate Nite mix. I will 100% be adding to this. Slow skate, fast skate, backwards and couples! Please send suggestions!

Day 188: Leftovers and scrambled eggs. A classic move. Potatoes, scallions, roasted poblano pepper, corn, & shishitos (aka shi-shi’s) with cilantro and sunflower sprouts. Fruit on the side.