An old friend - who I used to drink with a lot - reached out to me recently. They are newly sober and after telling me their story of how they came to the realization that they needed to change their relationship with alcohol they asked me about my sobriety.
“It’s Friday night and you are at home - alone.. and you’re not drinking. Aren’t you f*cking bored?”
I glanced around my apartment with the wet canvas sitting on my easel, the newly created playlist dancing through the air and my stack of journals, sketchbooks and work papers on the kitchen table.. “Absolutely not.” I said.
There is so much to do! That being said, in many ways I do less. There’s no hunting for my keys or debit card in the morning. No damage control. I don’t have to practice and anxiously deliver apologies while hungover. I don’t have to hustle to make up for the money I spent at the bar - that I didn’t have to begin with. There is no boredom in the absence of all of this but this is a profound amount of peace. Instead of writing wounded and angry (or sad ass and regretful) text messages I am working on a book. I am painting. I am talking to you. I am putting the money I would have spent drinking into my savings account and dreaming up all the things that money will one day become. I think if you are feeling bored in early sobriety it is time to get curious.
My friend went on to tell me how bored they had been and I lovingly joked “well shit - maybe you are boring.” Then I asked them “For real though - are you bored or are you afraid to allow yourself to change? Maybe you’re afraid to become the full expression of yourself?” I know that was true for me and having known this person for most of my adult life I thought it could very well be true for them too. They are hilarious, creative, intelligent, fashionable.. they are fucking memorable! To hear they were bored just did not track. I know my friend has dreams beyond nightcaps and happy hour. We all do.
Once I was a few months into sobriety and deep into the stifling pool of self reflection I had to ask myself - had I not been doing the things I talked about because I was too busy drinking or was I drinking because I was afraid to do those things to begin with? I am certain it was a little bit of both. Funny how creative we are about getting in our own way.
I tossed around some ideas on ways they could be filling the time (long walks, making art, spring cleaning, writing your congress person, writing the next great American novel, karate, etc) and then I posed it to my sober community on Instagram. The responses were awesome and live on in my highlights. Check them out.
Are you bored? Does that feel like a choice? What are you going to do about it?