A lovely reminder..

I am not generally a rule person but I believe that one should always leave a note. It was something my parents did and it stuck with me. As I was working out this morning I came to see my tattoos as littles notes I have left for myself over the years. There are a few that really mean a lot me. Both lovely little reminders of who/ where I have been in this life. One of them I got in sobriety.. the other is from the beginning of my heaviest drinking. They usually live tucked away under my clothes but I thought I’d share them since their messages help me every day and well.. who doesn’t love a good tattoo? About 9 years ago my friend Larissa and I went down to get a “bro tat” (that thing where you and your bro have matching tattoos). The tattoo shop was conveniently stacked on top of our favorite bar. We got poked and then went downstairs to drink all the tequila. While I am done with tequila this tattoo lives forever on my chest - above my heart. A litter German autobahn sign that basically means ‘Drive what you got as fast as you can, just keep it on the road’ or as I like to say ‘shiny side up, rubber side down’. My life was chaotic and reckless at the time but I wasn’t miserable or questioning my drinking yet. I was only getting started. There are no regrets about getting this tattoo. I am still in love with it, it’s message and the woman I share it with. It serves as a daily reminder as to how far I’ve come and encourages me to keep going. Shiny side - rubber side down. The other is much larger and personal, so it’s placed on my ribs. The most tender place I could think of. It speaks to transformation, the beauty within it and protection. The ouroboros eating it’s own tail, the journey back to yourself.. Death, birth and resurrection. The thorny rose in full bloom reminds me that nothing is simply one thing. It is delicate and savage. Fragile and able to defend it’s self. The rose has good boundaries. No regrets with this one either - despite the fact that it hurt like hell. Ten out of ten - would do again.

Do you have any tattoos related to your sobriety?  Tell me everything!

If you are feeling down..

Here we are - a week into Dry January! I hope you’re all hanging in and feeling ok. I know the news has a lot of people feeling stressed and depressed. Looks like America couldn’t even make it a full week into the new year without another fit of divisive disintegration. We have so much healing that needs to be done. It starts with ourselves. Always. On that note, If you find yourself lacking energy, feeling weak, anxious, depressed, unable to focus or at the mercy of one chaotic mood swing after another - you might have a B vitamin deficiency. Which would make sense if your are newly in recovery. B vitamins are water soluble so, drinking means that once we “break the seal” they all quite literally go down the toilet. Not ideal. Our body does not produce B vitamins so we have to get it from the food we eat or supplements. These MVP’s keep the body energized by converting our food into energy and creating red blood cells which are responsible for carrying oxygen to your muscles. They also ensure that your immune and nervous system are working properly. In fact it is vital in the production of neurotransmitters, especially dopamine, serotonin and GABA. All essential for feeling calm, sleeping well, experiencing pleasure, being happy, ya know - our general well-being.

There are plenty of delicious things you can eat to get all your necessary B vitamins. Leafy greens, eggs, yogurt, salmon, avocado, legumes, bananas, plantains, tofu, pork and chicken breast.. to name a few.

Day 363: Last night I did not sleep so well. My dreams were less than great and I blame it on consuming too much news. I woke up this morning and I just wanted something beautiful. I wasn’t very hungry but if I have learned anything over the past year it is that skipping breakfast means things will get a little dark and bitchy by 2pm. So.. something simple, nourishing and beautiful to balance out all the chaos and negativity from yesterday. Bavarian yogurt, pumpkin seeds, a few raisins, almonds, some toasted pine nuts leftover from last nights dinner, half an apple and a turmeric, honey syrup I whipped up with a little fermented pineapple shrub that I made a while back. So damn good. I could have used a splash of any kombucha but that’s not what was around. Point is - work with what you got. Get creative.

Auld lang syne..

It’s New Years Eve and I am at home as I am sure most people are. Tea and candles and cartoons. The neighbors are popping off fireworks. A bath later with a book or maybe just the new Nick Cave record. Ring in the 2021 with a different kind of bubbles. New Years always makes me think of Dallas. I grew up there and sometimes on New Years I threw up there. No regrets about it though. Not anymore. Those memories feel sweet tonight and play through my mind with a fantastic soundtrack. Cheap champagne and house parties. All ages clubs and getting kicked out for lighting black cats in the bathroom. Bands that were too loud and things just getting started at midnight. Still up when the sun crept over the horizon - we called it gods flashlight.. I’m am grateful to have had those years and lucky to have come out of them in one piece and no handcuffs, more or less. They made me who I am - a lady who is going to be asleep sooner than later tonight and will wake up feeling awesome and knowing where her clothes and car keys are. We say “no regrets” but I think it’s okay to have them for a little while. How else would you learn that like a lot of things - they fade. Perspective comes in like a stream and wears down all the sharp edges of the shoulda’s and woulda’s so one day you can “tak a cup o' kindness yet - For auld lang syne.”

Happy New Year Everyone. I hope you are feeling peaceful, sparkly and loved.

Day 356: Yogurt, prunes, goji berries, pecans, pumpkin seeds, hemp hearts, cacoa nibs, Udo’s 3*6*9 oil and some maple syrup.

It’s stinky but I like it

Day 286: Quinoa with sea veg, kimchi, a perfect egg, bloobs and kiwi.

Kimchi used to be a part of my hangover cure and incorporating it into my diet was (unknowingly) one of the first steps I took on my path to sobriety. I had eaten it before here and there but never with any regularity or intention until I read that kimchi was the new Prozac. I was wicked depressed and eating fermented cabbage seemed worlds easier than making the big changes I really needed to. Duh. So, I started making a weekly kimchi stew. This stuff was my savior and a sign that somewhere deep down I still gave a shit about myself. Brothy.. spicy.. with little silken tofu and a whole lotta gojuchang and kimchi. It made me sweat which had to be a big part of what made me feel better as I had plenty of toxins to release. I usually made it on Sunday nights - when I felt like chewed gum - after a weekend of partying with all the hopes that it would dance my brain chemistry around and out of its depression or magically make my shitty choices somehow work for me. I did this week after month until one day I wondered… what if ALL the good in this food didn’t have to contest with the booze? I knew that alcohol is a depressant. I knew it was tanking mood AND creating an after shock of anxiety that lingered for days - and caused me to drink more. I realized that had been trying to have it both ways and as long as I kept that up anything I tried would be a bandaid. Luckily by the time I finally quit drinking I had already incorporated something into my diet that would be make a huge difference in my sobriety. Delicious, fermented, positively probiotic - kimchi. It provided me with a weekly ritual and it helped to rebuild my microbiome. That is where 90% of our bodies serotonin and 50% of dopamine are produced. With facts like that it is clear this is a huge priority. It could even make all the difference in ones ability to stay sober. It gets mega bonus points for the ability to combat some other health issues that can come from alcohol and substance abuse, such as:

Candida // Inflammation // Weight gain // Premature aging // High cholesterol
Higher risk of Osteoporosis

AND it has loads of potassium which I was talking about yesterday. Sold? You can make it yourself (it honestly isn’t that intimidating) or buy it at the farmers market or grocery store. I like the Mother in Laws Kimchi brand quite a bit and they have a vegan option. A++.

Let’s wrap this up with hunky Brad from Bon Appétit making a little kimchi in the test kitchen, shall we?

One Year Soberversary

Around the sun and back again. Today makes 365 days without a hangover. No late nights with superficial friends. No 2 am whataburger. No hangxiety or wasted days recovering from round after round of tequila shots. No staggeringly high bar tabs or forgetting my debit card at the bar. No shame. For all of its beauty out weighed the bullshit this year and I really needed it. I have gotten to reconnect with myself and feel through things I never wanted to feel. I finally learned how to truly be alone with myself without checking the exits or relying on distractions. It is funny how the older I get it is not the things I do that benefit me the most. It is the things I quit doing. Having to do less// having less to do allows me more time to just be. Giving myself that time has me feeling so creative and in turn optimistic.. despite the current circumstances of the world. Sobriety and the pandemic has finally allowed me to get what they meant by..

“You are the sky. Everything else is the weather.”

nothing is happening to us.. it’s just happening around us. How we choose to respond or engage is is up to us. When drunk (or hungover) I was prone to taking things personally.. on a professional level. It is a gift to be clear enough and open to learning how to catch myself, quit that shit and spend that energy elsewhere. Like.. on the yoga mat or in the kitchen or going to school or making art or calling my state representatives or riding my bike or improving my relationships or talking to my plants or reading books or starting a breakfast blog or befriending all the neighborhood cats or foraging for food or playing badminton or writing run on sentences… Remove the hangover and the chip on your shoulder and man, you can really make some moves.. learn some new ones too. So here is to another year. To clarity, stability, gratitude and sanity. I think I’ll celebrate with some Sweet Ritual ice cream, a long bike ride and a longer bath. “Cheers!”

Day 178: A few of my favorite things… Kale, kimchi, mango and bloobs.