Stability

Wake up.
Drink hot water.
Take cold shower.
Meditate.
Morning Pages.
Do yoga.
Eat.
Get dressed.
Go to work..

This is most mornings. When I do it differently the world doesn’t end but it does seem to wobble.
Routine/ Discipline has never come easy for me, but I’ve been experimenting with it for a while now and it does provide me a sense of stability that is quite comforting. A long time ago I read somewhere that people put a high value on novelty but what we really crave is stability. Makes sense.. in a world where nothing is certain, it feels good to have some sense of firm ground under your feet. Even if it’s an illusion. When it was posed to me though - the words made me scrunch up my nose and think “yuck” but these days I feel it is right on. Maybe my tune has changed because of sobriety. Maybe it is just that I am getting older.. or some combination of the two? Either way, I like it.

So I haven’t been here, updating this blog or online for much of anything beyond work, which has had my full attention lately. Staying logged out gives me more energy to focus on creative endeavors. Which, I added some new work here and opened a little etsy shop that I will be adding more things to. I do miss the energy, creativity and engagement I felt when I started this blog so I’m going to try working it into my routine on my days off.

I’m curious, what is your morning routine? How do you cultivate stability in your day to day? Have you tried cold showers? Because I didn’t want to buy into the hype (at all!) but I think it’s changing my life…

-B

P.S. Here is a digital piece I finished recently that visually sums up my mood these days.. let me know what you think in the comments below.

Transformation Tuesday

Sometimes the beginning of a transformation gets us transfixed on what is behind us. It’s a contradictory move as it is real damn hard to move forward when you are looking back but I think it’s a pretty natural thing to do. There’s a lot of grief in walking away from what we’ve known. Even if what we have known hurt like hell or no longer works. I was craning my neck in early sobriety & it really slowed me down.. er.. brought me down. Today though, I wanted to share something simple I did the first week of my sobriety that had everything to do with looking back but was monumental in helping me move forward into my transformation.

I had been rummaging through a box of pen pal letters trying to find a friends address when I came across a picture of myself as a kid. Happy, in a tree, wearing rad AF high tops, genuinely smiling. I had the thought that if I could go back to that moment and start all over again, I would. It made me cry. Which was VERY uncomfortable for me at the time (Feelings? Yuck). Looking at her I felt what that little girl had wanted her life to be like & how I had epically failed to make it all come together. So I sat there & wallowed in the deep, dark, shitty feeling that is being your own disappointment & then… I remembered that time had not stopped. The fat lady was not singing. The bell had not rung.

I got up & put that picture on my fridge. I wanted to see that face every day. To be reminded of the dreams, energy, imagination & optimism she had. To remind me to do better for her. Because in reality so much of me is & will forever be her. Happy, in a tree, wearing rad AF high tops, genuinely smiling with her whole life in front of her. 

Years later, still sober & she is still there on the fridge. I see her first thing every morning when I make breakfast & sometimes I give her a high five. I mean how could I not? She’s awesome. 

10.5.2021 Leftover banana waffles with peanut butter, zodiac pear, strawberries & cocao nibs - for my inner child. 

Paradise Found

Can we make Monday an official Sunday Pt II? I spend a lot of time thinking about how we create our reality & if this life can look like anything we want it to - I think that more Sunday action is at least worth considering. They’re just so good. Who’s in?

While Austin City Limits was at full tilt yesterday & the city was booming with people, I opted out. My introverted ass spent the day eating tacos in the park, walking my friend Jen’s dog while she had to work a double & putting together a puzzle. Just a few of my favorite things. I have always loved a puzzle but when I first got sober it was different. I was like “Bad ass! Something to keep me distracted & busy!” After a while though I started to find more zen & even some wisdom in it. Little reminders that it helps to shift my perspective when things feel impossible. The reality that hard things can also be quite fun. The over all understanding that I have everything I need right in front of me. All I ever have to do is focus. apply patience, allow it to come together & enjoy the process. Real talk though - the addict in me wanted to buy every damn puzzle I came across. Because if one is good all of them is the best, right? Rather than leaning into that desire and ultimately become the “weird puzzle lady” I have compromised by only allowing myself to buy food themed puzzles. Which thrills me to no end - obvs. The people at Piecework get me. They’ve got all the food puzzles AND they come with a soundtrack to do them to. There are no words for how happy this makes me. Trust me. I looked.

What little insights do you gain from your leisurely pursuits? I wanna know!

10.4.2021: Chia pudding with oat milk, lions mane, maple syrup, bloobs, pecans and cocao nibs.

Good for the guts, Good for the mind. Easy to prep ahead of time… and I guess we’re rhyming now. Yikes. Time to wrap it up.
xo - B

Auld lang syne..

It’s New Years Eve and I am at home as I am sure most people are. Tea and candles and cartoons. The neighbors are popping off fireworks. A bath later with a book or maybe just the new Nick Cave record. Ring in the 2021 with a different kind of bubbles. New Years always makes me think of Dallas. I grew up there and sometimes on New Years I threw up there. No regrets about it though. Not anymore. Those memories feel sweet tonight and play through my mind with a fantastic soundtrack. Cheap champagne and house parties. All ages clubs and getting kicked out for lighting black cats in the bathroom. Bands that were too loud and things just getting started at midnight. Still up when the sun crept over the horizon - we called it gods flashlight.. I’m am grateful to have had those years and lucky to have come out of them in one piece and no handcuffs, more or less. They made me who I am - a lady who is going to be asleep sooner than later tonight and will wake up feeling awesome and knowing where her clothes and car keys are. We say “no regrets” but I think it’s okay to have them for a little while. How else would you learn that like a lot of things - they fade. Perspective comes in like a stream and wears down all the sharp edges of the shoulda’s and woulda’s so one day you can “tak a cup o' kindness yet - For auld lang syne.”

Happy New Year Everyone. I hope you are feeling peaceful, sparkly and loved.

Day 356: Yogurt, prunes, goji berries, pecans, pumpkin seeds, hemp hearts, cacoa nibs, Udo’s 3*6*9 oil and some maple syrup.

Deck the halls…

Day 350: Reality Check Hot Cocoa

With Poly-phe-nols! Fa-la-la-la-la la la la la.

Merry Christmas y’all! I woke up this morning after some lovely sleeping in and decided that it felt like a brunch kind of day. Instead of breakfast I made myself a hot cocoa. It’s something festive that I love but you can’t find it in the wild without a lifetime of added sugar. That is a bummer for me, my nervous system, my skin and anyone who might have to suffer my sugar high. I make a pretty stellar cup of cocoa so I thought I’d share the recipe and give you some reasons to up your cocoa intake this holiday season. Whether you are spending the day without family and feeling a touch disconnected or you are with them right now and they are making you cuckoo f*cking bananas - I want you to know a couple of things.. 1. I totally feel you and I think you’re doing a good job. 2. Chocolate helps. Before you feel tempted to reach for some egg nog or mulled wine - I’d like to remind you that alcohol is a known depressant and will likely cause you to say something shitty at dinner. Chocolate on the other hand has been found to boost serotonin levels due to its tryptophan content. Serotonin is the happiness hormone. It enables your brain and nervous system to communicate with each other. It also helps with sleeping, eating, and digestion - which comes in handy when there is gravy and toasted marshmallows on damn near everything. While we are talking about boosting things.. chocolate stimulates your immune system and we all need a little bit of that right now. That immune boost also improves your complexion and your oral hygiene (so long as your chocolate isn’t paired with a truck load of sugar). Chocolate is also a fantastic source of polyphenols - an antioxidant packed macronutrient found in plants that has been shown to help treat neurodegenerative diseases, diabetes, cardiovascular disease and even weight issues. If polyphenols sound familiar to you it’s probably because someone was trying to make a case for wine by saying something like ‘red wine is good for your heart. It’s got poly-blah-blah-nols’…. And that’s true. Wine does have a lot of polyphenols but it is also flammable, inflammatory and can cause you to forget words such as polyphenols. So, I’d say it cancels itself out. Do you want a cup of cocoa yet? Make extra for the fam if there around. It lowers your risk of stroke and can decrease your risk of cancer. It will have your chaotic family feeling calm and content plus everyone will think you’re a gem for bringing them a cup.

Here’s how I take mine.. I call it a Reality Check because the flavor profile is pure and direct since it is not railroaded by a bunch of processed sugar. The mint makes me feel clear, fresh and focused. And the chocolate.. it helps me feel calm and aware of how good life honestly is.

Reality Check Hot Cocoa
this recipe is for one since I am spending the holiday alone. Adjust as needed.

2 cups milk (sippers choice)
2 Sprigs of mint - pull the leaves off the stems
2 pitted medjool dates
1 1/2 Tbl of high quality cocoa powder
2 tsp maple syrup
1 Tbl coconut cream

Heat your milk on the stove (watch it so it doesn’t boil over) let the mint and dates steep in the milk for 5 minutes. Add the cocoa powder and maple syrup then blend all of it - dates and mint leaves too - with an immersion blender (or whatever gadget you use to blend things). Top it off with a dollop of coconut cream. Huzzah!

Friday’s… ain’t what they used to be.

Friday’s have lost their luster in my world.. between quarantine, sobriety and geez, let’s call it celibacy… Friday is like Thursday or Tuesday. Just another day. Another hangover free day, thankfully. I was thinking though if I could relive any Friday night ever which would it be? Instantly I remembered when Friday’s started with my mom dropping me off at the roller skating rink with my best friend Gabe. Our hair always heavily teased. Friendship bracelets stacked up on our wrists. Dr. Pepper Lip Smackers liberally applied. We said “like” way too much and always got in trouble for chewing gum on the rink. We felt so rebellious. Gum! Can you imagine? We would skate in circles until we had blisters or they killed the lights and made us leave. Whichever came first. In remembrance of those innocent, stellar Friday nights.. I made a little Skate Nite mix. I will 100% be adding to this. Slow skate, fast skate, backwards and couples! Please send suggestions!

Day 188: Leftovers and scrambled eggs. A classic move. Potatoes, scallions, roasted poblano pepper, corn, & shishitos (aka shi-shi’s) with cilantro and sunflower sprouts. Fruit on the side.

Airplane Mode

Friday night was spent celebrating International Self-Care Day. I put my phone on airplane mode, cued up a Leo Sayer based radio station on spotify and rain danced around the apartment while a new batch of grain free granola was in the oven. It is remarkable how ones definition of a good time can change so drastically. Putting the ole phone on airplane mode is like cancelling plans, taking your bra off after work and that “catch me if you can” feeling you get when you speed past a cop who has already pulled over someone else, all at once. You’re off the hook. Literally and figuratively. Free AF. The rain dancing paid off, the granola is absolutely addictive and so is airplane mode. Peace of mind and partially cloudy skies for the win. I am going to let this theme roll through the weekend and straight to voicemail.

Day 192 : Grain free granola made with all of the nuts, tahini, maple syrup, soft rock disco vibes and love + bananas, bloobs and almond milk yogurt. I have to say that I am not wild about the yogurt… It seems like something I would enjoy, like trivia night. All signs point to “Bonnie would love this!” but NOPE. No dice. Not my jam. Not my yogurt.