Transformation Tuesday

Sometimes the beginning of a transformation gets us transfixed on what is behind us. It’s a contradictory move as it is real damn hard to move forward when you are looking back but I think it’s a pretty natural thing to do. There’s a lot of grief in walking away from what we’ve known. Even if what we have known hurt like hell or no longer works. I was craning my neck in early sobriety & it really slowed me down.. er.. brought me down. Today though, I wanted to share something simple I did the first week of my sobriety that had everything to do with looking back but was monumental in helping me move forward into my transformation.

I had been rummaging through a box of pen pal letters trying to find a friends address when I came across a picture of myself as a kid. Happy, in a tree, wearing rad AF high tops, genuinely smiling. I had the thought that if I could go back to that moment and start all over again, I would. It made me cry. Which was VERY uncomfortable for me at the time (Feelings? Yuck). Looking at her I felt what that little girl had wanted her life to be like & how I had epically failed to make it all come together. So I sat there & wallowed in the deep, dark, shitty feeling that is being your own disappointment & then… I remembered that time had not stopped. The fat lady was not singing. The bell had not rung.

I got up & put that picture on my fridge. I wanted to see that face every day. To be reminded of the dreams, energy, imagination & optimism she had. To remind me to do better for her. Because in reality so much of me is & will forever be her. Happy, in a tree, wearing rad AF high tops, genuinely smiling with her whole life in front of her. 

Years later, still sober & she is still there on the fridge. I see her first thing every morning when I make breakfast & sometimes I give her a high five. I mean how could I not? She’s awesome. 

10.5.2021 Leftover banana waffles with peanut butter, zodiac pear, strawberries & cocao nibs - for my inner child. 

Christmas Eve

One more day at the shop until I get a little winter break. From solstice to solitude with a work rush in between. I have never worked retail during the holidays. Catering, yes. Restaurants and film sets - sure, but retail - not once. This year I told the folks at the herb bar that I would help on the floor when things got hairy and it was both a joy and at times a challenge. Because that’s how humans are. We are both things. Something about the holidays intensifies that contrast though. Over the last few days I’ve felt utter love from total strangers and I have been chewed out in record time by some people I would be fine with never seeing again. It was nice to be in a place with life to not take it personally. To know that that’s their shit. What a gift it is to be able to shrug off other peoples shit. In the past I would have let those people ruin my day and then drank a lot about how “people are the worst” when I got off of work. Making me no better than them. there is always going to be a Scrooge. No matter the season. Holiday or not. Our job is to make sure that we aren’t playing that role. While I was gathering some last minute orders I was listening to a podcast of some analysts looking at Dicken’s Christmas Carol through a Jungian lens. It was interesting and I learned a few things. First of all I think I might like to befriend some analysts. Secondly I learned that the definition of Humbug is lies. I was surprised I didn’t already know this but what an apt year to learn it’s meaning. It’s basically the Not So Happy Holidays way of saying Fake News. Anyway, I hope you are all feeling cozy and grateful wherever find yourself in this moment.

Day 349: Freezer waffle Sandwich with peanut butter, bananas, pecans, pumpkin seeds, crunchy quinoa, a drizzle of coconut cream and a dash of spirulina. Bloobs on the side. Spirulina is incredibly good for you. This isn’t a full serving by any means but tiny doses add up throughout the week. I use a lot of powdered supplements as garnishes on my food. In the winter especially because I am less like to make myself a smoothie which is how I would normally ingest these things. Try it. However I do not suggest spirulina on popcorn.. I tried it and was not thrilled. I’ll be sticking with my nutritional yeast.

Spirulina aka Blue-green algae has protein, B vitamins, Copper, Iron, Potassium, Manganese, Magnesium.. it’s an MVP in the land of nutrition. It has well earned the title of superfood and you can find it in nearly every grocery store.

Zinc

Day 312: Waffles.. made with yogurt, chunks of bananas and a fair shake of cinnamon. Warm and crispy, ooey gooey but not exactly where I want them to be just yet. I’ll make them again soon and post a recipe. Topped with maple syrup, pecans, pumpkin seeds and bloobs. But you could put anything on them. I have been eating a lot of pumpkin seeds because well, they fit the season AND they are an inexpensive source of zinc, magnesium, fiber and protein. You have no doubt been hearing about the benefits of zinc in the news. Keep some around and put them on your salads, garnish your soup, waffles, oatmeal.. put them in your PB & J sandwiches, make pumpkin seed brittle, or use them to make a nut cheese… which has a regrettable name but is delicious none the less.

A for Effort

Focus on the effort - not the results.. that is what they say. This is a good rule of thumb when it comes to engaging with other people. It is true after all. The only thing we control is the effort we put in. The rest of it is out of our hands. We have no say over what someone else might do. How they may react or respond. I am beginning to believe that this may apply to gluten free baking as well. I feel like I’ve been showing up but something isn’t being reciprocated. I remain patient and optimistic but no longer have any expectations. That being said I have to admit it.. the zucchini bread hurt my feelings (and my jaw). So I got up this morning to give it one last go. I got the waffle iron piping hot and set out to make some “redemption waffles”… Sunday is a good day for redemption. I had to keep trying. My gluten free experiments have felt like throwing pasta at the wall and watching it hit the floor, repeatedly. For the record, I am willing to bet that gluten is what makes pasta stick to the wall in the first place. I just want to simply be okay at this. I like an alternative or progressive recipe. I want to be able to omit, replace and make substitutions in the kitchen, on the fly. I feel like I pulled it off this time! I am pretty satisfied with these here waffles. Sure I could see them being forcibly removed from a Waffle House at 2am for being nuts but that’s a right of passage. Right? I kid. That only happened to me once and it was because I played 1999 on the jukebox 12 times in a row. They were the ones who gave me all those quarters! Haters gonna hate. But anyone who gave this recipe a spin couldn’t honestly hate these waffles.

Day 186: Almond flour waffles with peanut butter, blueberries and bananas. Topped with more bananas, fresh bloobs, maple syrup and seeds. Pro tip: mix all your favorite seeds in a jar and leave it on your table with the salt and pepper to garnish everything. Get that extra nutrients in.

1 large egg (separated)
1/2 cup almond flour
2 Tbsp preferred sweetener (I used brown sugar because that’s what I had)
1/2 tsp gluten free baking powder
1/4 tsp sea salt (use sea salt of the mineral content)
2 Tbsp peanut butter (or any nut butter, peanut is what I had on hand)
1/4 unsweetened almond milk
2 Tbsp butter or coconut oil
1/2 tsp vanilla extract
1 banana
1/4 cup bloobs aka blueberries

Whisk together all your dry ingredients in a big bowl.
Melt your butter (or coconut oil) and nut butter together
Slice your banana into 1/4 inch thick pieces
Whip your egg whites until stiff (do this with a hand mixer unless you are glutton for punishment)
Now it’s time to add all the wet stuff to your dry stuff together but save the egg whites for last and gently fold them in. You want the volume of the egg whites to lift the batter.

Grease your waffle iron and add 1/2 a cup of batter per waffle. Throw some banana slices and blueberries on top then close it up. I let my waffles cook a little longer so they’re crispy and the fruit gets a chance to caramelize. You can peak in on them from time to time. Takes no more than 6 or 7 minutes.