Choice

Some mornings I wake up & really miss the routine I had while keeping up with my little 365 days of breakfast project. It was 2020 & I was leaning into my first year of sobriety, feeling a little less raw each day - despite the pandemic & the seemingly new found level of uncertainty it presented us all with. In July I celebrated 3 years of sobriety. The uncertainty persists but somehow that feels ok, manageable. A round of applause for better daily practices, coping mechanisms & the absence of anxiety inducing booze. Anyhow, I was thinking this morning. Thinking about over thinking. Thinking about thinking vs. feeling. Thinking about what I can & can not control. As I worked through my yoga routine all the thoughts reduced down into the sweet little reminder that I often need. So I wanted to pop in to share it here…

I control what I think about.

It’s simple & maybe annoyingly obvious but I do not believe I am alone in regularly forgetting that there is a choice. Part of me wants to say is that all it takes is a little awareness but let’s be real - some days it takes a heroic dose of awareness.

Anyway - happy weekend. I hope it’s peaceful & fun. I hope you choose to think beautiful, creative, connective, constructive thoughts. May your moments of awareness outnumber the times when you forget the choice is yours.

B

For old times sake - breakfast today was coconut yogurt with maple chia pudding, strawberries, raspberries, bloobs, pecans, pumpkin seeds & cocao nibs. Protein, fiber, fat, flavor, color, fuel.

Stability

Wake up.
Drink hot water.
Take cold shower.
Meditate.
Morning Pages.
Do yoga.
Eat.
Get dressed.
Go to work..

This is most mornings. When I do it differently the world doesn’t end but it does seem to wobble.
Routine/ Discipline has never come easy for me, but I’ve been experimenting with it for a while now and it does provide me a sense of stability that is quite comforting. A long time ago I read somewhere that people put a high value on novelty but what we really crave is stability. Makes sense.. in a world where nothing is certain, it feels good to have some sense of firm ground under your feet. Even if it’s an illusion. When it was posed to me though - the words made me scrunch up my nose and think “yuck” but these days I feel it is right on. Maybe my tune has changed because of sobriety. Maybe it is just that I am getting older.. or some combination of the two? Either way, I like it.

So I haven’t been here, updating this blog or online for much of anything beyond work, which has had my full attention lately. Staying logged out gives me more energy to focus on creative endeavors. Which, I added some new work here and opened a little etsy shop that I will be adding more things to. I do miss the energy, creativity and engagement I felt when I started this blog so I’m going to try working it into my routine on my days off.

I’m curious, what is your morning routine? How do you cultivate stability in your day to day? Have you tried cold showers? Because I didn’t want to buy into the hype (at all!) but I think it’s changing my life…

-B

P.S. Here is a digital piece I finished recently that visually sums up my mood these days.. let me know what you think in the comments below.

This is temporary

Some days start late.. today is one of them. I did not sleep very well. That is an understatement. I slept like crap. Too much on my mind, perhaps. So I am out of it. I didn’t get to my breakfast the way I like & I am feeling crabby or distant or generally unamused & even a little daffy. Whatever the combination - this is temporary.

Which is basically the number one thing everything has in common. Good or bad. Right or wrong. Sleep deprived or fully present... It is all temporary. Another lovely lesson I have learned & accepted in sobriety. Knowing this deeply is what gets us through the uncomfortable moments when we want to say “fuck it” & fall into a bottle of Malbec.. or tequila.

When I stepped outside with my tea this morning, to get a feel for what the world is doing today, I saw these beautiful late blooms on the morning glory vine that is growing up my staircase. They are so big, beautiful & delicate. They only last a day or two before they wither & fall. Again, temporary. Because sometimes temporary is truly beautiful I snapped a photo of the best in show to share with all of you. I hope you all find a way to enjoy each moment today - for whatever it has to offer.
xo - B

Transformation Tuesday

Sometimes the beginning of a transformation gets us transfixed on what is behind us. It’s a contradictory move as it is real damn hard to move forward when you are looking back but I think it’s a pretty natural thing to do. There’s a lot of grief in walking away from what we’ve known. Even if what we have known hurt like hell or no longer works. I was craning my neck in early sobriety & it really slowed me down.. er.. brought me down. Today though, I wanted to share something simple I did the first week of my sobriety that had everything to do with looking back but was monumental in helping me move forward into my transformation.

I had been rummaging through a box of pen pal letters trying to find a friends address when I came across a picture of myself as a kid. Happy, in a tree, wearing rad AF high tops, genuinely smiling. I had the thought that if I could go back to that moment and start all over again, I would. It made me cry. Which was VERY uncomfortable for me at the time (Feelings? Yuck). Looking at her I felt what that little girl had wanted her life to be like & how I had epically failed to make it all come together. So I sat there & wallowed in the deep, dark, shitty feeling that is being your own disappointment & then… I remembered that time had not stopped. The fat lady was not singing. The bell had not rung.

I got up & put that picture on my fridge. I wanted to see that face every day. To be reminded of the dreams, energy, imagination & optimism she had. To remind me to do better for her. Because in reality so much of me is & will forever be her. Happy, in a tree, wearing rad AF high tops, genuinely smiling with her whole life in front of her. 

Years later, still sober & she is still there on the fridge. I see her first thing every morning when I make breakfast & sometimes I give her a high five. I mean how could I not? She’s awesome. 

10.5.2021 Leftover banana waffles with peanut butter, zodiac pear, strawberries & cocao nibs - for my inner child. 

Paradise Found

Can we make Monday an official Sunday Pt II? I spend a lot of time thinking about how we create our reality & if this life can look like anything we want it to - I think that more Sunday action is at least worth considering. They’re just so good. Who’s in?

While Austin City Limits was at full tilt yesterday & the city was booming with people, I opted out. My introverted ass spent the day eating tacos in the park, walking my friend Jen’s dog while she had to work a double & putting together a puzzle. Just a few of my favorite things. I have always loved a puzzle but when I first got sober it was different. I was like “Bad ass! Something to keep me distracted & busy!” After a while though I started to find more zen & even some wisdom in it. Little reminders that it helps to shift my perspective when things feel impossible. The reality that hard things can also be quite fun. The over all understanding that I have everything I need right in front of me. All I ever have to do is focus. apply patience, allow it to come together & enjoy the process. Real talk though - the addict in me wanted to buy every damn puzzle I came across. Because if one is good all of them is the best, right? Rather than leaning into that desire and ultimately become the “weird puzzle lady” I have compromised by only allowing myself to buy food themed puzzles. Which thrills me to no end - obvs. The people at Piecework get me. They’ve got all the food puzzles AND they come with a soundtrack to do them to. There are no words for how happy this makes me. Trust me. I looked.

What little insights do you gain from your leisurely pursuits? I wanna know!

10.4.2021: Chia pudding with oat milk, lions mane, maple syrup, bloobs, pecans and cocao nibs.

Good for the guts, Good for the mind. Easy to prep ahead of time… and I guess we’re rhyming now. Yikes. Time to wrap it up.
xo - B

Fin.

And here it is.. Breakfast 365. A year ago today I was nearly 6 months sober. I was also ultra depressed, a little lost (but totally determined), very malnourished and I needed something to hold me accountable in showing up for myself. Breakfast may not seem like a wild revelation but it is if you are having a hard time just functioning in life. Getting out of bed, feeding yourself, doing the dishes… these simple things can be nearly heroic when you are in the thick of a depression. Being as vitamin and nutrient deficient as I was (from years of drinking and taking minimal care of myself) I had zero energy. These are the reasons I chose to make myself breakfast and document it every day for a full year. I have also always wanted to be a writer.. but I wasn’t writing. I wanted to have a consistent creative outlet but I wasn’t sticking to that either. This was a strange and challenging year for sticking to anything but I did it. Huzzah! While I didn’t post every single day - I did eat. I made myself something beautiful and nourishing every single GD day. To regain my health, my self trust, my self worth and I’m here to say it worked. I put on some weight, began to balanced out my hormones, balanced out my mind. My relationship with myself. It changed the choices I make around food. It changed how and why I indulge myself. It helped with my anxiety more than words could say. I am crazy grateful for all of that but the biggest thing this year gave me is the strength to be vulnerable. I didn’t really set out to talk about my sobriety. A year ago today - being sober was still really just for me. Something I only really talked about with close friends. It didn’t feel too much like anyone else’s business. At some point though I realized it was inauthentic to leave it out of the conversation. I was not ashamed but I was afraid of becoming defined by something I do not do. Afraid of being judged if I fell back into drinking. If I failed - again. Of course one of the gifts of getting sober and having a clear mind is fully knowing that the only person who can judge or define you is yourself. Logically of course I knew that all along but it took some time to really feel that truth in my guts and my bones.. and my heart. I want to thank everyone for reading and subscribing. For all the emails and messages. For being vulnerable with me. That was something I could not have imagined when I started this and if ever there was a year I needed that it was this one. I am going to continue to post here. To keep talking about food and philosophy, pop music, sobriety and recipes for things to help others on their healing journey. I have some new things in the works that I will be able to share soon too.

Day 365: Quinoa and kimchi cakes with sautéed kale and a poached egg. I made 3 cakes but dropped one. Gravity, man.. a gift, a curse and often the source of a good laugh.

If you are feeling down..

Here we are - a week into Dry January! I hope you’re all hanging in and feeling ok. I know the news has a lot of people feeling stressed and depressed. Looks like America couldn’t even make it a full week into the new year without another fit of divisive disintegration. We have so much healing that needs to be done. It starts with ourselves. Always. On that note, If you find yourself lacking energy, feeling weak, anxious, depressed, unable to focus or at the mercy of one chaotic mood swing after another - you might have a B vitamin deficiency. Which would make sense if your are newly in recovery. B vitamins are water soluble so, drinking means that once we “break the seal” they all quite literally go down the toilet. Not ideal. Our body does not produce B vitamins so we have to get it from the food we eat or supplements. These MVP’s keep the body energized by converting our food into energy and creating red blood cells which are responsible for carrying oxygen to your muscles. They also ensure that your immune and nervous system are working properly. In fact it is vital in the production of neurotransmitters, especially dopamine, serotonin and GABA. All essential for feeling calm, sleeping well, experiencing pleasure, being happy, ya know - our general well-being.

There are plenty of delicious things you can eat to get all your necessary B vitamins. Leafy greens, eggs, yogurt, salmon, avocado, legumes, bananas, plantains, tofu, pork and chicken breast.. to name a few.

Day 363: Last night I did not sleep so well. My dreams were less than great and I blame it on consuming too much news. I woke up this morning and I just wanted something beautiful. I wasn’t very hungry but if I have learned anything over the past year it is that skipping breakfast means things will get a little dark and bitchy by 2pm. So.. something simple, nourishing and beautiful to balance out all the chaos and negativity from yesterday. Bavarian yogurt, pumpkin seeds, a few raisins, almonds, some toasted pine nuts leftover from last nights dinner, half an apple and a turmeric, honey syrup I whipped up with a little fermented pineapple shrub that I made a while back. So damn good. I could have used a splash of any kombucha but that’s not what was around. Point is - work with what you got. Get creative.

Deck the halls…

Day 350: Reality Check Hot Cocoa

With Poly-phe-nols! Fa-la-la-la-la la la la la.

Merry Christmas y’all! I woke up this morning after some lovely sleeping in and decided that it felt like a brunch kind of day. Instead of breakfast I made myself a hot cocoa. It’s something festive that I love but you can’t find it in the wild without a lifetime of added sugar. That is a bummer for me, my nervous system, my skin and anyone who might have to suffer my sugar high. I make a pretty stellar cup of cocoa so I thought I’d share the recipe and give you some reasons to up your cocoa intake this holiday season. Whether you are spending the day without family and feeling a touch disconnected or you are with them right now and they are making you cuckoo f*cking bananas - I want you to know a couple of things.. 1. I totally feel you and I think you’re doing a good job. 2. Chocolate helps. Before you feel tempted to reach for some egg nog or mulled wine - I’d like to remind you that alcohol is a known depressant and will likely cause you to say something shitty at dinner. Chocolate on the other hand has been found to boost serotonin levels due to its tryptophan content. Serotonin is the happiness hormone. It enables your brain and nervous system to communicate with each other. It also helps with sleeping, eating, and digestion - which comes in handy when there is gravy and toasted marshmallows on damn near everything. While we are talking about boosting things.. chocolate stimulates your immune system and we all need a little bit of that right now. That immune boost also improves your complexion and your oral hygiene (so long as your chocolate isn’t paired with a truck load of sugar). Chocolate is also a fantastic source of polyphenols - an antioxidant packed macronutrient found in plants that has been shown to help treat neurodegenerative diseases, diabetes, cardiovascular disease and even weight issues. If polyphenols sound familiar to you it’s probably because someone was trying to make a case for wine by saying something like ‘red wine is good for your heart. It’s got poly-blah-blah-nols’…. And that’s true. Wine does have a lot of polyphenols but it is also flammable, inflammatory and can cause you to forget words such as polyphenols. So, I’d say it cancels itself out. Do you want a cup of cocoa yet? Make extra for the fam if there around. It lowers your risk of stroke and can decrease your risk of cancer. It will have your chaotic family feeling calm and content plus everyone will think you’re a gem for bringing them a cup.

Here’s how I take mine.. I call it a Reality Check because the flavor profile is pure and direct since it is not railroaded by a bunch of processed sugar. The mint makes me feel clear, fresh and focused. And the chocolate.. it helps me feel calm and aware of how good life honestly is.

Reality Check Hot Cocoa
this recipe is for one since I am spending the holiday alone. Adjust as needed.

2 cups milk (sippers choice)
2 Sprigs of mint - pull the leaves off the stems
2 pitted medjool dates
1 1/2 Tbl of high quality cocoa powder
2 tsp maple syrup
1 Tbl coconut cream

Heat your milk on the stove (watch it so it doesn’t boil over) let the mint and dates steep in the milk for 5 minutes. Add the cocoa powder and maple syrup then blend all of it - dates and mint leaves too - with an immersion blender (or whatever gadget you use to blend things). Top it off with a dollop of coconut cream. Huzzah!

Christmas Eve

One more day at the shop until I get a little winter break. From solstice to solitude with a work rush in between. I have never worked retail during the holidays. Catering, yes. Restaurants and film sets - sure, but retail - not once. This year I told the folks at the herb bar that I would help on the floor when things got hairy and it was both a joy and at times a challenge. Because that’s how humans are. We are both things. Something about the holidays intensifies that contrast though. Over the last few days I’ve felt utter love from total strangers and I have been chewed out in record time by some people I would be fine with never seeing again. It was nice to be in a place with life to not take it personally. To know that that’s their shit. What a gift it is to be able to shrug off other peoples shit. In the past I would have let those people ruin my day and then drank a lot about how “people are the worst” when I got off of work. Making me no better than them. there is always going to be a Scrooge. No matter the season. Holiday or not. Our job is to make sure that we aren’t playing that role. While I was gathering some last minute orders I was listening to a podcast of some analysts looking at Dicken’s Christmas Carol through a Jungian lens. It was interesting and I learned a few things. First of all I think I might like to befriend some analysts. Secondly I learned that the definition of Humbug is lies. I was surprised I didn’t already know this but what an apt year to learn it’s meaning. It’s basically the Not So Happy Holidays way of saying Fake News. Anyway, I hope you are all feeling cozy and grateful wherever find yourself in this moment.

Day 349: Freezer waffle Sandwich with peanut butter, bananas, pecans, pumpkin seeds, crunchy quinoa, a drizzle of coconut cream and a dash of spirulina. Bloobs on the side. Spirulina is incredibly good for you. This isn’t a full serving by any means but tiny doses add up throughout the week. I use a lot of powdered supplements as garnishes on my food. In the winter especially because I am less like to make myself a smoothie which is how I would normally ingest these things. Try it. However I do not suggest spirulina on popcorn.. I tried it and was not thrilled. I’ll be sticking with my nutritional yeast.

Spirulina aka Blue-green algae has protein, B vitamins, Copper, Iron, Potassium, Manganese, Magnesium.. it’s an MVP in the land of nutrition. It has well earned the title of superfood and you can find it in nearly every grocery store.

The stars align..

As Jupiter and Saturn were going conjunct in the sky I made some new friends. All my socializing has pretty much been one on one this year, I had nearly forgotten what it feels like to gather - and with people who aren’t my coworkers or neighbors no less. I quite liked it. My friend Jen created a gorgeous makeshift living room in her front yard. Complete with ample distanced seating, fire pit, an alcohol free bar and a record player. It was such a treat. I got to build a fire and that was so very satisfying. Everyone brought something to burn. A few people had written things down on scraps of paper that they wanted to let go of while others brought belongings that had negative memories attached to them and we threw them in to banish them forever and keep the fire going through out the evening. We drank tea, shared some Seedlip and had a few laughs too. It was so good to see everyone - even though I had never seen most of them before. When I started this 365 days of breakfast project I had no idea what was coming or that I would become as isolated as I have. I saw myself inviting large groups of friends over for brunch on the weekends or trying out every Eggs Benedict in Austin. Not in the cards. However, due to these options being off the table the way I eat has changed for the better. I can’t wait to see the depths of how it has changed the way I want to connect with others.

Day 328: a Solstice Sautee - sweet potato, celeriac, garlic, red cabbage, kale and mushrooms with a perfectly fried egg and some pumpkin seeds.

Our Body & Our Consciousness

“What we eat is very important. Tell me what you eat and I will tell you who you are. Tell me where you eat, and I will tell you who you are.
We are what we consume. If we look deeply into what and how much we consume every day, we’ll come to know our own nature very well. We have to eat, drink, and consume, but if we do it unmindfully, we may destroy our body and our consciousness.”
― Thich Nhat Hanh, How to Eat

Today it looks like I am eating Mr. Bill… “Oh no!”
I wonder what Thich Nhat Hanh would have to say about that. He is right though. We are what we consume. It goes beyond our food choices too. The music we listen to, the company we keep, the air we breathe, the books we read, the things we buy, the podcasts we listen to… you catch my drift. It all effects us. Physically, emotionally and energetically. Keep that in mind today and see what you notice.

Day 326: Ginger coconut rice with kimchi, sunflower sprouts, bloobs, braggs amino acids, Udo’s 3*6*9 oil and a soft boiled egg. I cooked the rice in coconut milk, a few slices of ginger and a little pink salt for flavor but also for comfort and extra nutrition. Ginger has such a unique flavor and it is great for soothing the gut, lowering inflammation, cutting cholesterol, fighting infections, boosting your brain function, making you feel warm from the inside out and maybe preventing cancer. Coconut milk adds some extra fat to the dish which we need for hormone production and brain proper function.

Another trip around the sun.

Yesterday was my 39th birthday and I got everything I wanted! I turned off my phone, took the day off from work, it rained, I felt loved and I got to spend the majority of the day wandering around the Blanton Art Museum. No party. No people. No party people. It was all very 2020. The show I saw was Expanding Abstraction - an exploration of how painting has evolved over time. The only way I could have enjoyed it more is if they had allowed me to bring my tea inside. A lot of really large wonderful pieces were in the show but the one I enjoyed the most really surprised me. I circled back around to it 3 or 4 times. I want to say it was nothing special but the scale and motion of it evoked this sense of surrender in me that I really enjoyed. I visited it a few times before I read the placard and found some synchronicity there. The title alone made me laugh, Tempesta. It is the Italian word for storm. I stood there thinking how in my life I have always seem to be drawn to the storm - being able to surrender to it is a new feeling. It also made me think of Temperance the movement, the definition of the word itself (to abstain from alcohol) and the tarot card. Which Temperance is the card that represents Sagittarius, my zodiac sign. All these little synchronicities made me feel like I was right where I was supposed to be. Funny enough the artist, Beverly Pepper, got disenchanted with this painting and took a few years to finish it. Apparently after a trip to Ankor Wat in Cambodia she felt that “it is utterly ridiculous to try to make waves with painting.” that it reaches too small an audience and may only wake a small group of people… and so she moved on to sculpture instead. I have done this. I have known that feeling before with the things I have put my energy into. Maybe not getting the response or finding the reach I had hoped for. The numbers may not matter though. It could be more about the the depth in which you effect even one person. It could change them, make them feel seen or beautifully insignificant. Or perhaps it could set them on a different course, solidify the one they are on or maybe just be the highlight of someone’s birthday. Either way, I’m glad she chose to finish Tempesta and I got to cross paths with it.

When I got home it started to drizzle snd when I opened the door I found that my friend Larissa had stopped by and left some presents on my kitchen table. Homemade pickles, incense, a gorgeous feather, flowers and a tiny chantilly cake with a single yellow candle sunk into the center. She is wonderful. In the land of cakes - Chantilly is Queen. It is exactly what I would have picked for myself. Thinking it would be a cake-less birthday I had already made myself pancakes but there are no rules that say you can not begin and end your birthday with cake…

Day 325: Brown butter and banana pancakes with more bananas, blueberries, pecans and a little maple syrup.

You are enough.

There’s been a lot of talk about the influencer campaign that Tropicana put together featuring a bunch of moms hiding in their closets from their kids - drinking mimosas. This kind of marketing is mindless, dangerous and furthers a bunch of narratives that hurt women and their children. As I read through the comments there were so many women who were thrilled by it though. They thought it was hilarious and seemed to feel seen, understood and even validated by watching some very rich and privileged women secretly drinking to manage their stress levels. It made me sad. I am not a mom but I did nanny for a long time and.. I totally get it. I have hidden from children. Honestly I believe that is how the game hide and seek was created. Once upon a time someone just needed a minute and they didn’t want to scream “get the hell away from me!” at an innocent child and thus the counting down from 100 began. Reading these comments though.. I realized how many of us don’t honestly know what self care is and too many large corporations are right there to profit from that. Painting a pretty picture that looks like us all consuming a lot of things to feel better - suggesting we will never feel good enough without their products. Keeping us all reaching outside of ourselves for a solution. Keeping us all believing that it isn’t ok just to feel something. The companies themselves are victims of this too. Their profit margins must keep growing or they will disappoint their shareholders. It’s an unsustainable vicious cycle.. remind you of anything?

I’m ranting today but hear this - you are enough. You hold the solutions. You have what it takes to manage your mood, your mindset and your actions. If you are in a place right now where that feels untrue - I get that - but you can learn and grow into someone who knows that to be the truth. No one needs to be hiding away anymore. There is an ever growing community waiting for you.

Day 321: Hash with russets, kohlrabi, cabbage, purple carrots, scallions, oregano, parsley, a drizzle of yogurt, a squeeze of lemon, some pumpkin seeds and smoked salmon. This meal was grounding, nourishing and delicious. Lots of omega’s, iron, magnesium, protein, warmth and comfort. Plus it only dirtied one pan. This is self care. Anyone can do this.

Ritual

A big part of addiction is ritual. The happy hour and the nightcap. The uncorking of a wine bottle. The salt, tequila, lime. Crushing an empty beer can. Flipping a cigarette in a new box of smokes because it’s “lucky”.. These little acts serve to reassure us and create stability. To bridge the past and the present. To give us sacred moments in the mundanity of our day to day. Applied to the wrong stuff and these sacred moments can hurt us. Over time we unconsciously glorify hurting ourselves and then I t becomes part of who we are. These rituals can be so hard to let go of as there is a romance to them. The memories of them play out in our mind like a soft porn, rosy, dream sequence with perfect lighting - without the reality of consequence. In recovery it can haunt us though. Especially if we do not take the time to craft new rituals. For me personally, when it gets cold I get nostalgic about an evening cigarette outside, with a book and a glass of red wine in the dark brisk air. When I got curious about the desire I found I liked the coziness between the contrast of warm and cool sensations. Because I am forever a person who wants it both ways, apparently. So I started drawing nightly baths with a dose of magnesium. I read in the tub and then finish with a cool shower - for contrast, to have it both ways. The magnesium is not only great for my skin but it makes my muscles feel amazazing and soothes my nervous system, bringing the day to a close… it gets bonus points for creating zero headaches and not making me smell like an ashtray.

I mentions magnesium quite a bit because it is imperative to a healthy functioning body. Most of it lives in our bones but it is found in every cel of our being and having a magnesium deficiency (which 50% of Americans are believed to be lacking) can really leave our bodies and minds limping.
Over imbibing on the reg and the poor diet that comes with it often leads to magnesium deficiency. This is why chronic alcoholics often end up with osteoporosis. It also causes high blood pressure, arrhythmia, anxiety, apathy, depression, muscle twitches, cramps and over all fatigue. So.. bathe in it and get it on to your plate. Some of my favorite sources include:

• Dark chocolate

• Pumpkin seeds

• Quinoa

• Avocado

• Spinach

• Cashews

• Almonds

• BATHS - Magnesium bath flakes are made from magnesium chloride which is different than Epsom salts. They contain magnesium sulfate. Although both are a form of magnesium, magnesium chloride is much better suited for topical application. Magnesium chloride is the best choice because of its clinical and pharmacological effects, and its lower tissue toxicity as compared to magnesium sulfate. Magnesium chloride is more easily assimilated, and therefore more bioavailable or absorbed and utilized by the body.

Day 318: baked sweet potato with kimchi, avocado, sunflower sprouts, a soft boiled egg and some bloobs.

Eccentricities

I feel that in sobriety everyone comes to the fun realization that they are a bit eccentric. That’s probably one of my favorite things about the sober community. We are a surprising bunch. You never know what we will get into. As we regain our energy and find that we have more time on our hands we start to spend it in new surprising ways. I have friends who took up mambo lessons, opened a bike shop, or started making their own fireworks, guitars, guns, bread, caftans… Others who learned to speak mandarin, train dogs for a living, remodel homes, become MMA fighters, counselors and well, the list is just endless. I too have done a lot of things with all my new energy and time that surprised me. Things I maybe talked about but never followed through on. Some things that had never dawned on me before. I went back to school, I taught myself how to animate and then even took some classes on that front. I finished a series of paintings (depressive, still-life, shy nudes - I like to call them). I picked up my camera again and got to know my neighborhood really well and then… I started foraging. Weekly. Sometimes daily. If you would have told me I’d be nearly forty and roaming around my neighborhood with a big fat grin on my face shaking down and climbing up all my neighbors trees on the reg I would have felt very misunderstood but, you would have been right. This year I have come home with peaches, dandelion greens, blackberries, loquats, onions, pecans, grapefruits, limes, chives, mustang grapes and herbs that helped me survive the heat and any anxiety that was creeping around. Right now citrus is in season. These little satsuma oranges are sweet, easy to peel and to pilfer as it turns out. Before you wag your finger at me for thieving - I only forage things I see going to waste. A lot of people around here ignore their fruit trees. I’m simply filling the void and showing my gratitude for the abundance I live in. What grows in your neighborhood? What seemingly weird hobby have you picked up in sobriety?

Day 310: Sautéed kale, scallions, red potatoes, leftover steak, loads of garlic and serranos with pumpkin seeds, pecans and bloobs. I cooked it all with a little ghee and added some lemon at the end. The citrus helps you absorb all the iron in the greens and having been anemic back in my drinking days I do what I can to keep anemia at bay.

Patience

There’s an old saying - when the pear is ripe it falls on its own. I have it posted on my fridge to remind me to stay patient and to get busy doing something else in the mean time. This advice has served me well over the past few years. So I don’t know who needs to hear it today but there it is. Trust that the day will come.

Day 307: Steel cut oats cooked in almond milk and ghee with a perfectly ripe pear, pistachios and coconut cream. Pears are in season right now. If you pick them up in the store and they’re still a bit hard or don’t smell very sweet just yet - throw them in a paper bag for a day or so, tap into that patience I was just talking about a soon enough they’ll be juicy and perfect. Pears are a good source of fiber, they make your gut healthy, can quickly cure a sugar craving and have anti inflammatory antioxidants. Delicious.

Tap Tap..

The temp is dropping and it has been quite the adjustment for me since I don’t even really own socks. So, I have been working out a little harder in the mornings to warm my body up. Get those internal fires going. I stretch, shake it out, let my body pop where it needs to (hips I’m looking at you) and then I jump around until I literally can’t jump anymore. Apologies to my downstairs neighbor.. but my circulatory system is digging it right now. Before I yoga I like to do some full body tapping. It is like giving my entire being a round of applause and it is better than coffee ever was. It is awesome for your lymphatic system (the thing that manages all the toxins floating around in our bodies) but I have made it part of my daily routine because it is fun and wakes me the hell up! Give it a shot and let me know what you think?

Day 306: Kale, sweet potato, green onion, garlic, avocado, fried egg.

500 Days of Sobriety

Day 300: Simplest breakfast yet. Uno banana and a glass of kombucha. Didn’t want to be late to the farmers market.

My sobriety journey has been going on since long before I realized it and I was never one to really keep track of the days… but I think it kept me going this time. A number as arbitrary as it is important. Like most things, it is both things. Like when you realize that perceived weakness of yours is a strength. So, 500 days, 12,000 hours, 720,000 minutes.. what have I learned? A little bit of everything, luckily. I learned a lot about the passing of time, perfectionism, codependency, healthy relating, resistant starch, vitamin and nutrient deficiencies, the thing we call god, the stars, my body, inherited trauma, the many ways I manage to get in my own way.. just to name a few. Turns out each of them is an obstacle or an opportunity to be taken or traversed. To lean in to or overcome. The hardest thing I have had to overcome in my recovery though has been the belief that I could THINK my way out of my feelings. Once drinking my feelings away was no longer an option my brain set out to manage things. It was an act of dissociation. A habit that kept the raw parts of me at a seemingly safe distance. I have complained in the past about others not taking my feelings seriously. Once I recognized that I, myself wanted little to nothing to do with them.. well that explained everything. If I didn’t want to deal with how I felt why would anyone else? I had to find a way to own and legit FEEL the things that I had been pushing down my whole life. So I did. Which has often been super uncomfortable and fucking frightening - to be frank. I begin by acknowledging the feelings as they came up in my mind. Which my brain is down for. Then I try to place where I feel it most in my body. My gut? My shoulders? In my chest? My face? Wherever it feels heaviest is where I place my hands. I keep them there for a while and try to name the feeling. Like maybe my shoulders feel hot and tight so I’ll give them a little rub and name it - Anger. Then I get to explore the feeling more. How intense is it? What triggered it? When have I felt this in the past? Placing my hands on the area really helps me feel it - rather than just simply analyzing it. Seems rudimentary but it has helped me warm up to the fact that feeling is okay.. and often pretty good. Can you relate to thinking your feelings? If so, how do you go about bridging the gap?

To celebrate my 500 days I am having neighbors over for dinner. Cabbage rolls, big salad and sparkling kefir for all the b vitamins, probiotics and CBD a girl could want. I went to the farmers market to pick up the kefir from Mircalo and I got to see one of my favorite farmers who makes the best kimchi and say hi to the zen-ass dude that runs the mushroom stand. I also took some time today for a little light gardening and harvested all the berries off of my Malabar spinach plant. They don’t taste great but they make an awesome natural and edible dye for anything from pasta and pastries to clothes. Not sure what I’ll be dying just yet but.. stay tuned!

Tea & Tarot

I was drawing some cards for a client this morning and thought I would pull a few as a message for today’s post. The four of cups and the seven of pentacles popped out. The imagery of the four of cups in nearly every deck has always hit me as an attempt to tempt. Although I haven’t heard other readers way read it that way. It is an offering followed by rejection. The person in the image never accepts the cup. This card comes with a message of boredom, dissatisfaction and at times an unwillingness to see the opportunity in a situation. The seven of pentacles on the other hand, speaks to investment, persistence, patience and sustainability. Here together my intuition tells me that the message is to hold out for what is yours. If you have planted the seeds They will eventually bloom. It also tells me that if you need help don’t fail to notice when it is offered or be too proud to take it. That is something I know I could improve on. I always want to do everything myself. Requiring help has been known to freak me out. If you can relate - this message is for you.

I love the tarot. I picked it back up in sobriety. It has been such a great tool for getting back in touch with my intuition. I have a cup of tea and pull cards at least once a week for myself or friends and clients who want a little guidance or just an energy read. Today I am having my daily cup of adrenal support tea. It has been such a big help in managing the stress of this year and remaining patient with everything that has happened. Huge fan. I mail it to friends, gift it to clients and recommend it to customers at the herb bar any chance I get.

Day 295: Kale, garlic, serrano and potato hash with left over strip steak and an egg fried in ghee with some rad herby green sauce on top. Sort of a remix from last nights dinner.. I had an ex-coworker over. I cooked us a steak with a bunch of sautéed veg and a mini cheese board with apples, seedy mustard, herbed chèvre and a sharp aged cheddar. She brought me some honey from her bees (so very cool) and a selection of coconut milk ice creams from Thai fresh. Huzzah! I tried the honey lavender and the Thai basil.. I can not tell you which I liked better. Both were perfectly sweet, bright and gentle. Such a treat.

What is new & good?

In the past few weeks I have had quite a few friends reach out to me about wanting to change their relationship with alcohol or quit all together. I feel honored that they felt comfortable talking with me about it and pretty excited that so many are looking to make a change. That’s what is feeling new and good around here today. So I thought I would share a little piece of advice for anyone who has recently started down the path of sobriety. Take it slow. When we are newly sober life can feel even more overwhelming. We are a bit raw. Things feel uncertain and our confidence comes and goes. It makes sense that it would. I know that when I was drinking I mostly learned that I could not trust myself on so many levels. I was truly unreliable. I called it spontaneity but that was just a fun way to describe what was ultimately my epic self abandonment. Each time I called it quits I did not fully believe I would/could stick to it and actually get sober. I had betrayed myself too many times before. I talked a good game while waiting for myself to fall back. In an effort to combat this self doubt I would pick up loads of new healthy habits. Looking back I realize it was partly to keep me busy but a big part of me was thinking that this fierce influx of new shiny behaviors would make the transformation happen faster and maybe even absolve me from my past. I went from drinking away to literally running from my problems. Of course it was too much too fast every time and when I fell off my exercise routine or ate like crap or skipped my meditation practice I would deflate. With my confidence on the floor I would find myself at the bar again. I had not yet embraced “progress not perfection”. I was still in ALL or NONE territory. I did not realize that I didn’t need to be absolved. I needed patience. I needed to rebuild trust in myself and let new habits settle in. That takes time and luckily sobriety affords us a lot more of that. So if you are newly sober (or hey, maybe you just need a reminder) take it slow. Pick up those new healthy habits but don’t overwhelm yourself. Focus on one thing at a time, one day at a time and as life becomes more comfortable, build on it. Lasting change does not happen over night. I mean, imagine if you broke up with someone on Monday and they called you Friday telling you they changed and things would be different.. no one is buying that. Don’t be that ex for yourself. It’s not a race. You are on your own trip. Be patient. Try to enjoy the process (and the opportunity) of winning yourself - and your trust - back.

Day 294: Veggie Toast with Greek yogurt, avocado, smoked salon and everything bagel seasoning. Aces. Lots of Omega 3’s happening here. I do everything I can to get my omega 3’s in a wide variety and not rely on supplements. It’s pretty easy, totally delicious and come with so many benefits. They fight anxiety, depression and reduce mood swings. Omega 3’s also improve symptoms of ADHD, raise your good cholesterol (HDL), reduce inflammation (the root of all dis-ease and famous compadre of over imbibing). Not sold yet? Omega 3’s are great for your skin AND they can even alleviate menstrual pain. For real. In fact one study showed omega 3 supplements to be more effective than ibuprofen in treating severe cramps. I can personally say that since I started mindfully incorporating more of it into my diet my period pains have been much less lethal. Pretty thrilling stuff. Where to find it?

FISH - Salmon, Sardines, Mackerel, Sea bass, Oysters, Mussels, Anchovies (the bacon of the sea..).
SEA VEG - Nori, Chlorella, Spirulina
SEEDS - Pumpkin, Chai, Hemp, Flax
BEANS - Kidney beans, Navy beans, Northern beans
LEAFY GREENS & BRUSSELS SPROUTS
AVOCADO
EGGS
BLUEBERRIES