Fin.

And here it is.. Breakfast 365. A year ago today I was nearly 6 months sober. I was also ultra depressed, a little lost (but totally determined), very malnourished and I needed something to hold me accountable in showing up for myself. Breakfast may not seem like a wild revelation but it is if you are having a hard time just functioning in life. Getting out of bed, feeding yourself, doing the dishes… these simple things can be nearly heroic when you are in the thick of a depression. Being as vitamin and nutrient deficient as I was (from years of drinking and taking minimal care of myself) I had zero energy. These are the reasons I chose to make myself breakfast and document it every day for a full year. I have also always wanted to be a writer.. but I wasn’t writing. I wanted to have a consistent creative outlet but I wasn’t sticking to that either. This was a strange and challenging year for sticking to anything but I did it. Huzzah! While I didn’t post every single day - I did eat. I made myself something beautiful and nourishing every single GD day. To regain my health, my self trust, my self worth and I’m here to say it worked. I put on some weight, began to balanced out my hormones, balanced out my mind. My relationship with myself. It changed the choices I make around food. It changed how and why I indulge myself. It helped with my anxiety more than words could say. I am crazy grateful for all of that but the biggest thing this year gave me is the strength to be vulnerable. I didn’t really set out to talk about my sobriety. A year ago today - being sober was still really just for me. Something I only really talked about with close friends. It didn’t feel too much like anyone else’s business. At some point though I realized it was inauthentic to leave it out of the conversation. I was not ashamed but I was afraid of becoming defined by something I do not do. Afraid of being judged if I fell back into drinking. If I failed - again. Of course one of the gifts of getting sober and having a clear mind is fully knowing that the only person who can judge or define you is yourself. Logically of course I knew that all along but it took some time to really feel that truth in my guts and my bones.. and my heart. I want to thank everyone for reading and subscribing. For all the emails and messages. For being vulnerable with me. That was something I could not have imagined when I started this and if ever there was a year I needed that it was this one. I am going to continue to post here. To keep talking about food and philosophy, pop music, sobriety and recipes for things to help others on their healing journey. I have some new things in the works that I will be able to share soon too.

Day 365: Quinoa and kimchi cakes with sautéed kale and a poached egg. I made 3 cakes but dropped one. Gravity, man.. a gift, a curse and often the source of a good laugh.

Eccentricities

I feel that in sobriety everyone comes to the fun realization that they are a bit eccentric. That’s probably one of my favorite things about the sober community. We are a surprising bunch. You never know what we will get into. As we regain our energy and find that we have more time on our hands we start to spend it in new surprising ways. I have friends who took up mambo lessons, opened a bike shop, or started making their own fireworks, guitars, guns, bread, caftans… Others who learned to speak mandarin, train dogs for a living, remodel homes, become MMA fighters, counselors and well, the list is just endless. I too have done a lot of things with all my new energy and time that surprised me. Things I maybe talked about but never followed through on. Some things that had never dawned on me before. I went back to school, I taught myself how to animate and then even took some classes on that front. I finished a series of paintings (depressive, still-life, shy nudes - I like to call them). I picked up my camera again and got to know my neighborhood really well and then… I started foraging. Weekly. Sometimes daily. If you would have told me I’d be nearly forty and roaming around my neighborhood with a big fat grin on my face shaking down and climbing up all my neighbors trees on the reg I would have felt very misunderstood but, you would have been right. This year I have come home with peaches, dandelion greens, blackberries, loquats, onions, pecans, grapefruits, limes, chives, mustang grapes and herbs that helped me survive the heat and any anxiety that was creeping around. Right now citrus is in season. These little satsuma oranges are sweet, easy to peel and to pilfer as it turns out. Before you wag your finger at me for thieving - I only forage things I see going to waste. A lot of people around here ignore their fruit trees. I’m simply filling the void and showing my gratitude for the abundance I live in. What grows in your neighborhood? What seemingly weird hobby have you picked up in sobriety?

Day 310: Sautéed kale, scallions, red potatoes, leftover steak, loads of garlic and serranos with pumpkin seeds, pecans and bloobs. I cooked it all with a little ghee and added some lemon at the end. The citrus helps you absorb all the iron in the greens and having been anemic back in my drinking days I do what I can to keep anemia at bay.

What is new & good?

In the past few weeks I have had quite a few friends reach out to me about wanting to change their relationship with alcohol or quit all together. I feel honored that they felt comfortable talking with me about it and pretty excited that so many are looking to make a change. That’s what is feeling new and good around here today. So I thought I would share a little piece of advice for anyone who has recently started down the path of sobriety. Take it slow. When we are newly sober life can feel even more overwhelming. We are a bit raw. Things feel uncertain and our confidence comes and goes. It makes sense that it would. I know that when I was drinking I mostly learned that I could not trust myself on so many levels. I was truly unreliable. I called it spontaneity but that was just a fun way to describe what was ultimately my epic self abandonment. Each time I called it quits I did not fully believe I would/could stick to it and actually get sober. I had betrayed myself too many times before. I talked a good game while waiting for myself to fall back. In an effort to combat this self doubt I would pick up loads of new healthy habits. Looking back I realize it was partly to keep me busy but a big part of me was thinking that this fierce influx of new shiny behaviors would make the transformation happen faster and maybe even absolve me from my past. I went from drinking away to literally running from my problems. Of course it was too much too fast every time and when I fell off my exercise routine or ate like crap or skipped my meditation practice I would deflate. With my confidence on the floor I would find myself at the bar again. I had not yet embraced “progress not perfection”. I was still in ALL or NONE territory. I did not realize that I didn’t need to be absolved. I needed patience. I needed to rebuild trust in myself and let new habits settle in. That takes time and luckily sobriety affords us a lot more of that. So if you are newly sober (or hey, maybe you just need a reminder) take it slow. Pick up those new healthy habits but don’t overwhelm yourself. Focus on one thing at a time, one day at a time and as life becomes more comfortable, build on it. Lasting change does not happen over night. I mean, imagine if you broke up with someone on Monday and they called you Friday telling you they changed and things would be different.. no one is buying that. Don’t be that ex for yourself. It’s not a race. You are on your own trip. Be patient. Try to enjoy the process (and the opportunity) of winning yourself - and your trust - back.

Day 294: Veggie Toast with Greek yogurt, avocado, smoked salon and everything bagel seasoning. Aces. Lots of Omega 3’s happening here. I do everything I can to get my omega 3’s in a wide variety and not rely on supplements. It’s pretty easy, totally delicious and come with so many benefits. They fight anxiety, depression and reduce mood swings. Omega 3’s also improve symptoms of ADHD, raise your good cholesterol (HDL), reduce inflammation (the root of all dis-ease and famous compadre of over imbibing). Not sold yet? Omega 3’s are great for your skin AND they can even alleviate menstrual pain. For real. In fact one study showed omega 3 supplements to be more effective than ibuprofen in treating severe cramps. I can personally say that since I started mindfully incorporating more of it into my diet my period pains have been much less lethal. Pretty thrilling stuff. Where to find it?

FISH - Salmon, Sardines, Mackerel, Sea bass, Oysters, Mussels, Anchovies (the bacon of the sea..).
SEA VEG - Nori, Chlorella, Spirulina
SEEDS - Pumpkin, Chai, Hemp, Flax
BEANS - Kidney beans, Navy beans, Northern beans
LEAFY GREENS & BRUSSELS SPROUTS
AVOCADO
EGGS
BLUEBERRIES