Fin.

And here it is.. Breakfast 365. A year ago today I was nearly 6 months sober. I was also ultra depressed, a little lost (but totally determined), very malnourished and I needed something to hold me accountable in showing up for myself. Breakfast may not seem like a wild revelation but it is if you are having a hard time just functioning in life. Getting out of bed, feeding yourself, doing the dishes… these simple things can be nearly heroic when you are in the thick of a depression. Being as vitamin and nutrient deficient as I was (from years of drinking and taking minimal care of myself) I had zero energy. These are the reasons I chose to make myself breakfast and document it every day for a full year. I have also always wanted to be a writer.. but I wasn’t writing. I wanted to have a consistent creative outlet but I wasn’t sticking to that either. This was a strange and challenging year for sticking to anything but I did it. Huzzah! While I didn’t post every single day - I did eat. I made myself something beautiful and nourishing every single GD day. To regain my health, my self trust, my self worth and I’m here to say it worked. I put on some weight, began to balanced out my hormones, balanced out my mind. My relationship with myself. It changed the choices I make around food. It changed how and why I indulge myself. It helped with my anxiety more than words could say. I am crazy grateful for all of that but the biggest thing this year gave me is the strength to be vulnerable. I didn’t really set out to talk about my sobriety. A year ago today - being sober was still really just for me. Something I only really talked about with close friends. It didn’t feel too much like anyone else’s business. At some point though I realized it was inauthentic to leave it out of the conversation. I was not ashamed but I was afraid of becoming defined by something I do not do. Afraid of being judged if I fell back into drinking. If I failed - again. Of course one of the gifts of getting sober and having a clear mind is fully knowing that the only person who can judge or define you is yourself. Logically of course I knew that all along but it took some time to really feel that truth in my guts and my bones.. and my heart. I want to thank everyone for reading and subscribing. For all the emails and messages. For being vulnerable with me. That was something I could not have imagined when I started this and if ever there was a year I needed that it was this one. I am going to continue to post here. To keep talking about food and philosophy, pop music, sobriety and recipes for things to help others on their healing journey. I have some new things in the works that I will be able to share soon too.

Day 365: Quinoa and kimchi cakes with sautéed kale and a poached egg. I made 3 cakes but dropped one. Gravity, man.. a gift, a curse and often the source of a good laugh.

Ritual

A big part of addiction is ritual. The happy hour and the nightcap. The uncorking of a wine bottle. The salt, tequila, lime. Crushing an empty beer can. Flipping a cigarette in a new box of smokes because it’s “lucky”.. These little acts serve to reassure us and create stability. To bridge the past and the present. To give us sacred moments in the mundanity of our day to day. Applied to the wrong stuff and these sacred moments can hurt us. Over time we unconsciously glorify hurting ourselves and then I t becomes part of who we are. These rituals can be so hard to let go of as there is a romance to them. The memories of them play out in our mind like a soft porn, rosy, dream sequence with perfect lighting - without the reality of consequence. In recovery it can haunt us though. Especially if we do not take the time to craft new rituals. For me personally, when it gets cold I get nostalgic about an evening cigarette outside, with a book and a glass of red wine in the dark brisk air. When I got curious about the desire I found I liked the coziness between the contrast of warm and cool sensations. Because I am forever a person who wants it both ways, apparently. So I started drawing nightly baths with a dose of magnesium. I read in the tub and then finish with a cool shower - for contrast, to have it both ways. The magnesium is not only great for my skin but it makes my muscles feel amazazing and soothes my nervous system, bringing the day to a close… it gets bonus points for creating zero headaches and not making me smell like an ashtray.

I mentions magnesium quite a bit because it is imperative to a healthy functioning body. Most of it lives in our bones but it is found in every cel of our being and having a magnesium deficiency (which 50% of Americans are believed to be lacking) can really leave our bodies and minds limping.
Over imbibing on the reg and the poor diet that comes with it often leads to magnesium deficiency. This is why chronic alcoholics often end up with osteoporosis. It also causes high blood pressure, arrhythmia, anxiety, apathy, depression, muscle twitches, cramps and over all fatigue. So.. bathe in it and get it on to your plate. Some of my favorite sources include:

• Dark chocolate

• Pumpkin seeds

• Quinoa

• Avocado

• Spinach

• Cashews

• Almonds

• BATHS - Magnesium bath flakes are made from magnesium chloride which is different than Epsom salts. They contain magnesium sulfate. Although both are a form of magnesium, magnesium chloride is much better suited for topical application. Magnesium chloride is the best choice because of its clinical and pharmacological effects, and its lower tissue toxicity as compared to magnesium sulfate. Magnesium chloride is more easily assimilated, and therefore more bioavailable or absorbed and utilized by the body.

Day 318: baked sweet potato with kimchi, avocado, sunflower sprouts, a soft boiled egg and some bloobs.