1 year - No Coffee

A year ago today I gave up coffee! Gasp! It was the corner stone of my morning but one cup would turn me into a jumpy, blathery, mildly aggressive space case. Only later to feel exhausted. There were other signs that it was hurting more than it was helping. I had adrenal fatigue - which made me feel totally reliant on coffee to get me moving but I was just digging a hole. Wonder what adrenal fatigue looks like? Well, fatigue (duh), body aches, unexplained weight loss, wonky hormone levels, low blood pressure, lightheadedness and hair loss.. Yes, my hair was falling out. My eyebrows were disappearing too. Not great. On top of that I could not focus but I felt so much urgency to do so. Coffee is delicious but ultimately unsettling - for me. It is a drug and my nervous system does not dig it. C’est la vie. I’m not shit talking coffee here but I do have to say that I feel so much better without it and look! I have eyebrows! If any of these things sound familiar to you I want you to know that - just like booze - there is life after coffee and it’s pretty damn good. I realized that what I enjoyed mostly was the ritual, the warmth and the occasionally communal aspect of it. Very similar to the things I enjoyed about booze… The ritual was easy enough to replace. To get my energy up I just started exercising in the mornings. To meet the desire for a warm cup of something - I played around with a lot of different coffee substitutes. Rasa and Choffee are my favorites but right now I am really enjoying hot cocoa. I feel very engaged after I drink it and without any sense of tension or urgency plus it’s delicious. The cocoa powder itself is ultra dark and very grounding. Lately I have been adding a little Turkey Tail mushroom powder to it for bonus points. This one in particular has a lot of benefits - namely it’s immune boosting abilities and gut healing properties. In recovery our guts need some extra love. Our digestive tracts get drowned out with booze and this is where we become deficient and imbalanced. I recommend Turkey Tail to nearly all of my clients as a prebiotic to help wake things up and balance them out.

For those of you that are no fan of the mushroom I want to say that as a powder or tincture they can be added to your meals or beverages and go generally undetected. I promise that in this form they have a very subtle presence that is easily masked. So no need to be yucked out by the fungus amongst us. The benefits can still be yours! I add a teaspoon of Turkey Tail powder to my cocoa and it has a slight bitterness that I would say is comparable to coffee. I balance it out with a little sweetness.

Of course the way we choose to sweeten things can have an unsettling effect as well.. sugar also stresses the adrenal glands. Meaning more trouble for your hormones. Try maple syrup or dates for more rad earthy groundedness along with extra vitamins and minerals like potassium, calcium, b vitamins and magnesium (also found in cocoa) - remember, we talked about the importance and power of magnesium.

The simple act of giving something up that I loved has had some other positive effects. First off, saying no to things is often more fun and empowering than you think it will be. Secondly, not being reliant on an outside energy source is freeing AF. Thirdly (ugh what a strange word, right?), I get to try more things! Experience stuff I would not have otherwise. That is almost always a win.

So I’m curious - what is your relationship with coffee? Have you ever considered giving it up?

Fin.

And here it is.. Breakfast 365. A year ago today I was nearly 6 months sober. I was also ultra depressed, a little lost (but totally determined), very malnourished and I needed something to hold me accountable in showing up for myself. Breakfast may not seem like a wild revelation but it is if you are having a hard time just functioning in life. Getting out of bed, feeding yourself, doing the dishes… these simple things can be nearly heroic when you are in the thick of a depression. Being as vitamin and nutrient deficient as I was (from years of drinking and taking minimal care of myself) I had zero energy. These are the reasons I chose to make myself breakfast and document it every day for a full year. I have also always wanted to be a writer.. but I wasn’t writing. I wanted to have a consistent creative outlet but I wasn’t sticking to that either. This was a strange and challenging year for sticking to anything but I did it. Huzzah! While I didn’t post every single day - I did eat. I made myself something beautiful and nourishing every single GD day. To regain my health, my self trust, my self worth and I’m here to say it worked. I put on some weight, began to balanced out my hormones, balanced out my mind. My relationship with myself. It changed the choices I make around food. It changed how and why I indulge myself. It helped with my anxiety more than words could say. I am crazy grateful for all of that but the biggest thing this year gave me is the strength to be vulnerable. I didn’t really set out to talk about my sobriety. A year ago today - being sober was still really just for me. Something I only really talked about with close friends. It didn’t feel too much like anyone else’s business. At some point though I realized it was inauthentic to leave it out of the conversation. I was not ashamed but I was afraid of becoming defined by something I do not do. Afraid of being judged if I fell back into drinking. If I failed - again. Of course one of the gifts of getting sober and having a clear mind is fully knowing that the only person who can judge or define you is yourself. Logically of course I knew that all along but it took some time to really feel that truth in my guts and my bones.. and my heart. I want to thank everyone for reading and subscribing. For all the emails and messages. For being vulnerable with me. That was something I could not have imagined when I started this and if ever there was a year I needed that it was this one. I am going to continue to post here. To keep talking about food and philosophy, pop music, sobriety and recipes for things to help others on their healing journey. I have some new things in the works that I will be able to share soon too.

Day 365: Quinoa and kimchi cakes with sautéed kale and a poached egg. I made 3 cakes but dropped one. Gravity, man.. a gift, a curse and often the source of a good laugh.

Everything I love is bad for me.

I am being a little dramatic but I gave up coffee today. So I’m going to use what little energy I have to throw a minor fit (or two). I already quit smoking. Tequila is out. Now coffee. It’s not fair! I love coffee. It’s part of my daily ritual. It’s who I wanted to wake up with forever! But.. I need to give my adrenals a break. Seems that I am suffering from adrenal fatigue. This makes me feel old. In all the icky ways and none of the wise and wonderful ways. Fingers crossed that giving up coffee will help my adrenals spring back to life and I can fall in love with something else. Maybe this tea I picked up from work…

Day 34: Quinoa with kimchi, fried egg, avocado, cilantro and seeds. Side of fruit.

*The radicchio and cabbage were chilling on the table dying to have their picture taken too. So pretty. Fresh from the farm.