Fin.

And here it is.. Breakfast 365. A year ago today I was nearly 6 months sober. I was also ultra depressed, a little lost (but totally determined), very malnourished and I needed something to hold me accountable in showing up for myself. Breakfast may not seem like a wild revelation but it is if you are having a hard time just functioning in life. Getting out of bed, feeding yourself, doing the dishes… these simple things can be nearly heroic when you are in the thick of a depression. Being as vitamin and nutrient deficient as I was (from years of drinking and taking minimal care of myself) I had zero energy. These are the reasons I chose to make myself breakfast and document it every day for a full year. I have also always wanted to be a writer.. but I wasn’t writing. I wanted to have a consistent creative outlet but I wasn’t sticking to that either. This was a strange and challenging year for sticking to anything but I did it. Huzzah! While I didn’t post every single day - I did eat. I made myself something beautiful and nourishing every single GD day. To regain my health, my self trust, my self worth and I’m here to say it worked. I put on some weight, began to balanced out my hormones, balanced out my mind. My relationship with myself. It changed the choices I make around food. It changed how and why I indulge myself. It helped with my anxiety more than words could say. I am crazy grateful for all of that but the biggest thing this year gave me is the strength to be vulnerable. I didn’t really set out to talk about my sobriety. A year ago today - being sober was still really just for me. Something I only really talked about with close friends. It didn’t feel too much like anyone else’s business. At some point though I realized it was inauthentic to leave it out of the conversation. I was not ashamed but I was afraid of becoming defined by something I do not do. Afraid of being judged if I fell back into drinking. If I failed - again. Of course one of the gifts of getting sober and having a clear mind is fully knowing that the only person who can judge or define you is yourself. Logically of course I knew that all along but it took some time to really feel that truth in my guts and my bones.. and my heart. I want to thank everyone for reading and subscribing. For all the emails and messages. For being vulnerable with me. That was something I could not have imagined when I started this and if ever there was a year I needed that it was this one. I am going to continue to post here. To keep talking about food and philosophy, pop music, sobriety and recipes for things to help others on their healing journey. I have some new things in the works that I will be able to share soon too.

Day 365: Quinoa and kimchi cakes with sautéed kale and a poached egg. I made 3 cakes but dropped one. Gravity, man.. a gift, a curse and often the source of a good laugh.

Do you hate it?

Day 315: Sautéed sweet potatoes, kale, purple cabbage, scallions & apples with a little Parmesan + a soft boiled egg.

I have a friend who was asking me how I could stand to cook every single day. She said that she just hates cooking - can not get into it. It is meditative for me. A science experiment at times but always grounding. I feel her though. I have not always loved being in the kitchen and even now - sometimes it’s the last place I want to be. When cooking was new to me it stressed me out. When I was depressed making a meal for myself felt like a waste of time. Then to make matters worse it resulted in dishes that needed to be done.. and I really dislike doing dishes. Life is funny though. When we do the thing we don’t want to / like to do and experience the benefits of doing it.. the original issue often fades away. Cooking more often makes you a better cook so you become less stressed about doing it. Feeding yourself a healthy meal (and getting off the floor to do so) helps relieve your depression - through action AND nourishment. Doing the dishes afterward, as mundane as that might seem, can make you feel like bad ass. Unless.. you are thinking “I hate this” through out the entire endeavor. If you find yourself hating things - that’s an opportunity to get to get curious. Maybe you don’t hate doing dishes.. maybe your back just hurts because you stood all day in the wrong shoes. Maybe you don’t hate working out.. maybe it’s just uncomfortable or someone told you that you aren’t athletic.. anybody else’s shamed by a gym teacher in grade school? Maybe you aren’t bad at math, maybe someone just never explained it to you in a way that you could connect with. And yeah, maybe you don’t hate cooking - maybe you’ve tried complicated recipes and failed or perhaps you have a shitty knife (that’ll do it) or you don’t ask for help. Clearly I would be endlessly stoked for more people to find the value and joy that can come from cooking but mostly I just want us all to remain open and curious about the things we tell ourselves,

What was the last thing you said you hated? Tell me in the comments below and then get curious about it.

I want you to meet someone..

It froze recently and all my plants had to come in. Including this pathos that has been climbing the wall outside my front door for years now. This is Ridel, my early sobriety buddy. When I first quit drinking I took the path of isolation. It is not for everybody but I needed the hush of solitude to recover and redirect. I took the cue from our modern world. When something is not working for you, what do you do? You unplug it, wait and restart. I cooked for myself, watched movies, mastered the art of napping and read a lot. From self help to comic books, autobiographies and even the liner notes of my LP’s. Taking in other people’s words feeling as if they were all written just for me. Around this time I found myself talking (and occasionally reading out loud) to Ridel a lot. He was the only other living thing around and he was struggling too. Turning yellow and dropping leaves as quickly as I was going grey. My mother gifted me this plant years ago. It was one of many that I received from her - with it a ton of anxiety. Saying “oh you shouldn’t have..” and fully meaning it. I may have gotten her cheek bones but I did not believe myself to be blessed with her green thumbs. It is honestly a miracle that Ridel survived my early 30’s. A time I spent truly heart broken, dragging myself from bed to work, from work to the bar and back to bed again. I blacked out a lot, falling asleep often fully dress, shoes and makeup on to complete the look. I routinely skipped breakfast, unless coffee and ibuprofen count. I certainly was not remembering to water my singular house plant with any regularity. I myself spent the days behind moody UV resistant sunglasses. Hungover and hissing at the sun, surviving on caffeine, wondering when my life was going to turn the fuck around. By the time I hit 35 Ridel and I were both chronically dehydrated and vitamin D deficient. 

After I quit drinking and began spending more time at home talking to my potted companion, the more I noticed that honestly, he was looking pretty shitty. Yes, Ridel had managed to survive under my mediocre and utterly superficial care, but had failed to thrive. A common theme in my life at the time. Out of guilt I picked up some plant food and found it a better spot for him by the window, remembering to open the blinds each day when I got out of bed. I started sitting by the window with Ridel in the morning. I would sip my coffee and together we gazed out the across the yard, giggling as we spied on the neighbors across the way who were very committed to their Nintendo Wii workout.* After a week or so of direct sunshine and regular H2O Ridel’s leaves started looking glossy like the pages of National Geographic. After a month it had grown so much that I needed to repot it. I flattered myself thinking that my company had something to do with it too. Because Ridel was doing something for me. Watching his progress was restoring my confidence in being able to take care of something. It was showing me that you can turn things around. Transform, even. He gave me hope.

Ridel has kept me aware of how far I have come in when I lose perspective or start shit talking myself. We have grown so much together over the years. I have not gotten any taller (which would have been cool) but he has grown into a total beast (at roughly 17 feet long) and I truly love the person looking back at me in the mirror.

*I want it to be known that I no longer spy on the neighbors. Turns out watching others exercise will provide you with exactly zero of the benefits one gets from doing actual exercise, unfortunately. In the end they inspired me to get into a routine of my own.

Day 313: Almond buckwheat muffin with yogurt, pomegranate and bloobs.

Zinc

Day 312: Waffles.. made with yogurt, chunks of bananas and a fair shake of cinnamon. Warm and crispy, ooey gooey but not exactly where I want them to be just yet. I’ll make them again soon and post a recipe. Topped with maple syrup, pecans, pumpkin seeds and bloobs. But you could put anything on them. I have been eating a lot of pumpkin seeds because well, they fit the season AND they are an inexpensive source of zinc, magnesium, fiber and protein. You have no doubt been hearing about the benefits of zinc in the news. Keep some around and put them on your salads, garnish your soup, waffles, oatmeal.. put them in your PB & J sandwiches, make pumpkin seed brittle, or use them to make a nut cheese… which has a regrettable name but is delicious none the less.

Whoosh!

The days are passing quicker than the leaves fell. The sun ducks out earlier and earlier it seems.
Fine by me. I excel at the art of cozy. My robe collection is finally getting to stretch it’s legs. My ever growing tea collection has become more soothing than wine ever was. That was my drink of choice in the winter. All the wine. I think back to when I believed the myth that drinking warms you up and using it as an excuse to have an extra glass or to finish off the bottle. Those nights usually ended in fuzzy disjointed pieces. Me talking too much, not eating nearly enough.. only ever putting my foot in my mouth. Truth is, alcohol actually drops your body temp. The liver gives off heat while it is processing all those rounds - fooling us into thinking we are nice and toasty but nah, we just just get toasted. Pretty happy to be sticking with the tea. It honestly does turn up the heat. Today I am drinking a tea I picked up at the apothecary up the street from my house. It was designed for Sagittarius season, my season. It’s delicious. Dandelion root, Star anise, Cinnamon, Ginger, Clove, Ashwagandha & Kava kava.

Day 311: Quinoa, buckwheat, chard kimchi from F-stop farm + a 6 minute egg.

Eccentricities

I feel that in sobriety everyone comes to the fun realization that they are a bit eccentric. That’s probably one of my favorite things about the sober community. We are a surprising bunch. You never know what we will get into. As we regain our energy and find that we have more time on our hands we start to spend it in new surprising ways. I have friends who took up mambo lessons, opened a bike shop, or started making their own fireworks, guitars, guns, bread, caftans… Others who learned to speak mandarin, train dogs for a living, remodel homes, become MMA fighters, counselors and well, the list is just endless. I too have done a lot of things with all my new energy and time that surprised me. Things I maybe talked about but never followed through on. Some things that had never dawned on me before. I went back to school, I taught myself how to animate and then even took some classes on that front. I finished a series of paintings (depressive, still-life, shy nudes - I like to call them). I picked up my camera again and got to know my neighborhood really well and then… I started foraging. Weekly. Sometimes daily. If you would have told me I’d be nearly forty and roaming around my neighborhood with a big fat grin on my face shaking down and climbing up all my neighbors trees on the reg I would have felt very misunderstood but, you would have been right. This year I have come home with peaches, dandelion greens, blackberries, loquats, onions, pecans, grapefruits, limes, chives, mustang grapes and herbs that helped me survive the heat and any anxiety that was creeping around. Right now citrus is in season. These little satsuma oranges are sweet, easy to peel and to pilfer as it turns out. Before you wag your finger at me for thieving - I only forage things I see going to waste. A lot of people around here ignore their fruit trees. I’m simply filling the void and showing my gratitude for the abundance I live in. What grows in your neighborhood? What seemingly weird hobby have you picked up in sobriety?

Day 310: Sautéed kale, scallions, red potatoes, leftover steak, loads of garlic and serranos with pumpkin seeds, pecans and bloobs. I cooked it all with a little ghee and added some lemon at the end. The citrus helps you absorb all the iron in the greens and having been anemic back in my drinking days I do what I can to keep anemia at bay.

Tap Tap..

The temp is dropping and it has been quite the adjustment for me since I don’t even really own socks. So, I have been working out a little harder in the mornings to warm my body up. Get those internal fires going. I stretch, shake it out, let my body pop where it needs to (hips I’m looking at you) and then I jump around until I literally can’t jump anymore. Apologies to my downstairs neighbor.. but my circulatory system is digging it right now. Before I yoga I like to do some full body tapping. It is like giving my entire being a round of applause and it is better than coffee ever was. It is awesome for your lymphatic system (the thing that manages all the toxins floating around in our bodies) but I have made it part of my daily routine because it is fun and wakes me the hell up! Give it a shot and let me know what you think?

Day 306: Kale, sweet potato, green onion, garlic, avocado, fried egg.

Tea & Tarot

I was drawing some cards for a client this morning and thought I would pull a few as a message for today’s post. The four of cups and the seven of pentacles popped out. The imagery of the four of cups in nearly every deck has always hit me as an attempt to tempt. Although I haven’t heard other readers way read it that way. It is an offering followed by rejection. The person in the image never accepts the cup. This card comes with a message of boredom, dissatisfaction and at times an unwillingness to see the opportunity in a situation. The seven of pentacles on the other hand, speaks to investment, persistence, patience and sustainability. Here together my intuition tells me that the message is to hold out for what is yours. If you have planted the seeds They will eventually bloom. It also tells me that if you need help don’t fail to notice when it is offered or be too proud to take it. That is something I know I could improve on. I always want to do everything myself. Requiring help has been known to freak me out. If you can relate - this message is for you.

I love the tarot. I picked it back up in sobriety. It has been such a great tool for getting back in touch with my intuition. I have a cup of tea and pull cards at least once a week for myself or friends and clients who want a little guidance or just an energy read. Today I am having my daily cup of adrenal support tea. It has been such a big help in managing the stress of this year and remaining patient with everything that has happened. Huge fan. I mail it to friends, gift it to clients and recommend it to customers at the herb bar any chance I get.

Day 295: Kale, garlic, serrano and potato hash with left over strip steak and an egg fried in ghee with some rad herby green sauce on top. Sort of a remix from last nights dinner.. I had an ex-coworker over. I cooked us a steak with a bunch of sautéed veg and a mini cheese board with apples, seedy mustard, herbed chèvre and a sharp aged cheddar. She brought me some honey from her bees (so very cool) and a selection of coconut milk ice creams from Thai fresh. Huzzah! I tried the honey lavender and the Thai basil.. I can not tell you which I liked better. Both were perfectly sweet, bright and gentle. Such a treat.