Transformation Tuesday

Sometimes the beginning of a transformation gets us transfixed on what is behind us. It’s a contradictory move as it is real damn hard to move forward when you are looking back but I think it’s a pretty natural thing to do. There’s a lot of grief in walking away from what we’ve known. Even if what we have known hurt like hell or no longer works. I was craning my neck in early sobriety & it really slowed me down.. er.. brought me down. Today though, I wanted to share something simple I did the first week of my sobriety that had everything to do with looking back but was monumental in helping me move forward into my transformation.

I had been rummaging through a box of pen pal letters trying to find a friends address when I came across a picture of myself as a kid. Happy, in a tree, wearing rad AF high tops, genuinely smiling. I had the thought that if I could go back to that moment and start all over again, I would. It made me cry. Which was VERY uncomfortable for me at the time (Feelings? Yuck). Looking at her I felt what that little girl had wanted her life to be like & how I had epically failed to make it all come together. So I sat there & wallowed in the deep, dark, shitty feeling that is being your own disappointment & then… I remembered that time had not stopped. The fat lady was not singing. The bell had not rung.

I got up & put that picture on my fridge. I wanted to see that face every day. To be reminded of the dreams, energy, imagination & optimism she had. To remind me to do better for her. Because in reality so much of me is & will forever be her. Happy, in a tree, wearing rad AF high tops, genuinely smiling with her whole life in front of her. 

Years later, still sober & she is still there on the fridge. I see her first thing every morning when I make breakfast & sometimes I give her a high five. I mean how could I not? She’s awesome. 

10.5.2021 Leftover banana waffles with peanut butter, zodiac pear, strawberries & cocao nibs - for my inner child. 

The stars align..

As Jupiter and Saturn were going conjunct in the sky I made some new friends. All my socializing has pretty much been one on one this year, I had nearly forgotten what it feels like to gather - and with people who aren’t my coworkers or neighbors no less. I quite liked it. My friend Jen created a gorgeous makeshift living room in her front yard. Complete with ample distanced seating, fire pit, an alcohol free bar and a record player. It was such a treat. I got to build a fire and that was so very satisfying. Everyone brought something to burn. A few people had written things down on scraps of paper that they wanted to let go of while others brought belongings that had negative memories attached to them and we threw them in to banish them forever and keep the fire going through out the evening. We drank tea, shared some Seedlip and had a few laughs too. It was so good to see everyone - even though I had never seen most of them before. When I started this 365 days of breakfast project I had no idea what was coming or that I would become as isolated as I have. I saw myself inviting large groups of friends over for brunch on the weekends or trying out every Eggs Benedict in Austin. Not in the cards. However, due to these options being off the table the way I eat has changed for the better. I can’t wait to see the depths of how it has changed the way I want to connect with others.

Day 328: a Solstice Sautee - sweet potato, celeriac, garlic, red cabbage, kale and mushrooms with a perfectly fried egg and some pumpkin seeds.

Another trip around the sun.

Yesterday was my 39th birthday and I got everything I wanted! I turned off my phone, took the day off from work, it rained, I felt loved and I got to spend the majority of the day wandering around the Blanton Art Museum. No party. No people. No party people. It was all very 2020. The show I saw was Expanding Abstraction - an exploration of how painting has evolved over time. The only way I could have enjoyed it more is if they had allowed me to bring my tea inside. A lot of really large wonderful pieces were in the show but the one I enjoyed the most really surprised me. I circled back around to it 3 or 4 times. I want to say it was nothing special but the scale and motion of it evoked this sense of surrender in me that I really enjoyed. I visited it a few times before I read the placard and found some synchronicity there. The title alone made me laugh, Tempesta. It is the Italian word for storm. I stood there thinking how in my life I have always seem to be drawn to the storm - being able to surrender to it is a new feeling. It also made me think of Temperance the movement, the definition of the word itself (to abstain from alcohol) and the tarot card. Which Temperance is the card that represents Sagittarius, my zodiac sign. All these little synchronicities made me feel like I was right where I was supposed to be. Funny enough the artist, Beverly Pepper, got disenchanted with this painting and took a few years to finish it. Apparently after a trip to Ankor Wat in Cambodia she felt that “it is utterly ridiculous to try to make waves with painting.” that it reaches too small an audience and may only wake a small group of people… and so she moved on to sculpture instead. I have done this. I have known that feeling before with the things I have put my energy into. Maybe not getting the response or finding the reach I had hoped for. The numbers may not matter though. It could be more about the the depth in which you effect even one person. It could change them, make them feel seen or beautifully insignificant. Or perhaps it could set them on a different course, solidify the one they are on or maybe just be the highlight of someone’s birthday. Either way, I’m glad she chose to finish Tempesta and I got to cross paths with it.

When I got home it started to drizzle snd when I opened the door I found that my friend Larissa had stopped by and left some presents on my kitchen table. Homemade pickles, incense, a gorgeous feather, flowers and a tiny chantilly cake with a single yellow candle sunk into the center. She is wonderful. In the land of cakes - Chantilly is Queen. It is exactly what I would have picked for myself. Thinking it would be a cake-less birthday I had already made myself pancakes but there are no rules that say you can not begin and end your birthday with cake…

Day 325: Brown butter and banana pancakes with more bananas, blueberries, pecans and a little maple syrup.

I want you to meet someone..

It froze recently and all my plants had to come in. Including this pathos that has been climbing the wall outside my front door for years now. This is Ridel, my early sobriety buddy. When I first quit drinking I took the path of isolation. It is not for everybody but I needed the hush of solitude to recover and redirect. I took the cue from our modern world. When something is not working for you, what do you do? You unplug it, wait and restart. I cooked for myself, watched movies, mastered the art of napping and read a lot. From self help to comic books, autobiographies and even the liner notes of my LP’s. Taking in other people’s words feeling as if they were all written just for me. Around this time I found myself talking (and occasionally reading out loud) to Ridel a lot. He was the only other living thing around and he was struggling too. Turning yellow and dropping leaves as quickly as I was going grey. My mother gifted me this plant years ago. It was one of many that I received from her - with it a ton of anxiety. Saying “oh you shouldn’t have..” and fully meaning it. I may have gotten her cheek bones but I did not believe myself to be blessed with her green thumbs. It is honestly a miracle that Ridel survived my early 30’s. A time I spent truly heart broken, dragging myself from bed to work, from work to the bar and back to bed again. I blacked out a lot, falling asleep often fully dress, shoes and makeup on to complete the look. I routinely skipped breakfast, unless coffee and ibuprofen count. I certainly was not remembering to water my singular house plant with any regularity. I myself spent the days behind moody UV resistant sunglasses. Hungover and hissing at the sun, surviving on caffeine, wondering when my life was going to turn the fuck around. By the time I hit 35 Ridel and I were both chronically dehydrated and vitamin D deficient. 

After I quit drinking and began spending more time at home talking to my potted companion, the more I noticed that honestly, he was looking pretty shitty. Yes, Ridel had managed to survive under my mediocre and utterly superficial care, but had failed to thrive. A common theme in my life at the time. Out of guilt I picked up some plant food and found it a better spot for him by the window, remembering to open the blinds each day when I got out of bed. I started sitting by the window with Ridel in the morning. I would sip my coffee and together we gazed out the across the yard, giggling as we spied on the neighbors across the way who were very committed to their Nintendo Wii workout.* After a week or so of direct sunshine and regular H2O Ridel’s leaves started looking glossy like the pages of National Geographic. After a month it had grown so much that I needed to repot it. I flattered myself thinking that my company had something to do with it too. Because Ridel was doing something for me. Watching his progress was restoring my confidence in being able to take care of something. It was showing me that you can turn things around. Transform, even. He gave me hope.

Ridel has kept me aware of how far I have come in when I lose perspective or start shit talking myself. We have grown so much together over the years. I have not gotten any taller (which would have been cool) but he has grown into a total beast (at roughly 17 feet long) and I truly love the person looking back at me in the mirror.

*I want it to be known that I no longer spy on the neighbors. Turns out watching others exercise will provide you with exactly zero of the benefits one gets from doing actual exercise, unfortunately. In the end they inspired me to get into a routine of my own.

Day 313: Almond buckwheat muffin with yogurt, pomegranate and bloobs.

Zinc

Day 312: Waffles.. made with yogurt, chunks of bananas and a fair shake of cinnamon. Warm and crispy, ooey gooey but not exactly where I want them to be just yet. I’ll make them again soon and post a recipe. Topped with maple syrup, pecans, pumpkin seeds and bloobs. But you could put anything on them. I have been eating a lot of pumpkin seeds because well, they fit the season AND they are an inexpensive source of zinc, magnesium, fiber and protein. You have no doubt been hearing about the benefits of zinc in the news. Keep some around and put them on your salads, garnish your soup, waffles, oatmeal.. put them in your PB & J sandwiches, make pumpkin seed brittle, or use them to make a nut cheese… which has a regrettable name but is delicious none the less.

Whoosh!

The days are passing quicker than the leaves fell. The sun ducks out earlier and earlier it seems.
Fine by me. I excel at the art of cozy. My robe collection is finally getting to stretch it’s legs. My ever growing tea collection has become more soothing than wine ever was. That was my drink of choice in the winter. All the wine. I think back to when I believed the myth that drinking warms you up and using it as an excuse to have an extra glass or to finish off the bottle. Those nights usually ended in fuzzy disjointed pieces. Me talking too much, not eating nearly enough.. only ever putting my foot in my mouth. Truth is, alcohol actually drops your body temp. The liver gives off heat while it is processing all those rounds - fooling us into thinking we are nice and toasty but nah, we just just get toasted. Pretty happy to be sticking with the tea. It honestly does turn up the heat. Today I am drinking a tea I picked up at the apothecary up the street from my house. It was designed for Sagittarius season, my season. It’s delicious. Dandelion root, Star anise, Cinnamon, Ginger, Clove, Ashwagandha & Kava kava.

Day 311: Quinoa, buckwheat, chard kimchi from F-stop farm + a 6 minute egg.

Patience

There’s an old saying - when the pear is ripe it falls on its own. I have it posted on my fridge to remind me to stay patient and to get busy doing something else in the mean time. This advice has served me well over the past few years. So I don’t know who needs to hear it today but there it is. Trust that the day will come.

Day 307: Steel cut oats cooked in almond milk and ghee with a perfectly ripe pear, pistachios and coconut cream. Pears are in season right now. If you pick them up in the store and they’re still a bit hard or don’t smell very sweet just yet - throw them in a paper bag for a day or so, tap into that patience I was just talking about a soon enough they’ll be juicy and perfect. Pears are a good source of fiber, they make your gut healthy, can quickly cure a sugar craving and have anti inflammatory antioxidants. Delicious.

Tap Tap..

The temp is dropping and it has been quite the adjustment for me since I don’t even really own socks. So, I have been working out a little harder in the mornings to warm my body up. Get those internal fires going. I stretch, shake it out, let my body pop where it needs to (hips I’m looking at you) and then I jump around until I literally can’t jump anymore. Apologies to my downstairs neighbor.. but my circulatory system is digging it right now. Before I yoga I like to do some full body tapping. It is like giving my entire being a round of applause and it is better than coffee ever was. It is awesome for your lymphatic system (the thing that manages all the toxins floating around in our bodies) but I have made it part of my daily routine because it is fun and wakes me the hell up! Give it a shot and let me know what you think?

Day 306: Kale, sweet potato, green onion, garlic, avocado, fried egg.

Grateful

Breakfast #304.. A smoothie before the feast. Banana, kale, blueberries, pecans from the yard, chia, tulsi, rhodiola, ashwagandha, wheatgrass and chaga.

This is the first time I have spent a holiday alone. The last few years I have driven out to see my family with a giant salad that my cousins can not help but raise an eyebrow at. We eat, play bingo, then there’s brownies my mom made and a wide variety of pie. After a lot of hugs I take the long way home. Pulling over here and there to take pictures of the country side. Somewhere between the CDC guidelines and having had a busy week I just decided to stay in this year. Cook for myself, do some writing, take a long bike ride, a long bath and just enjoy the day. To be as thankful for this day as I am for any other. I have hosted Thanksgiving dinner in the past and felt rushed, timers going off, things getting cold, stuff not turning out how I had hoped. Ya know, getting uptight about food, trying to accommodate and impress everyone with my ability to Martha Stewart the day - therefore totally missing the point of gathering in the first place. There was a lot of wine consumed in the making of those meals. Wine that would give me a headache, make me argumentative and render me resentful of all the dishes that piled up. If I could go back in time and tap myself on the shoulder here is what I would say…

Babe, (yes - in this scenario I call myself Babe) you don’t need to impress anybody. It’s just a turkey. It’s just a fucking pie. It’s just a day. Get together more often to celebrate how grateful you are for this life, the people in it with you and all you have been blessed with. You will feel less pressure to make it perfect. Knock it off with the wine and let people help you with the dishes. The world does not need a drunk martyr. Also, that butternut squash tart is dope. It deserves more than one appearance a year.

Today I am grateful for the perspective. I am grateful to have a quiet day in my neighborhood. It’s not a new tradition but maybe something that happens today will inspire one I can share with people in the years to come. Wherever you are today and whoever you are spending it with - I hope you are feeling at home. I hope you are feeling all the love, all the gratitude and… I hope someone brought a salad. *wink*

Day 303: Miso & Turmeric broth with garlic, kale, lions mane and chestnut mushrooms from HiFi Mycology and a little kimchi floater from F-Stop Farm.

Day 302: Brown rice, wonky egg, avocado, kimchi from F-Stop Farm and a splash of Brags amino acids. I’ll be sad when this batch of kimchi is gone. It is ultra good,

Day 301: Apples stewed in turmeric, ginger, dates and golden raisins with coconut cream over steal cut oats. Topped off with sunflower and pumpkin seeds.

500 Days of Sobriety

Day 300: Simplest breakfast yet. Uno banana and a glass of kombucha. Didn’t want to be late to the farmers market.

My sobriety journey has been going on since long before I realized it and I was never one to really keep track of the days… but I think it kept me going this time. A number as arbitrary as it is important. Like most things, it is both things. Like when you realize that perceived weakness of yours is a strength. So, 500 days, 12,000 hours, 720,000 minutes.. what have I learned? A little bit of everything, luckily. I learned a lot about the passing of time, perfectionism, codependency, healthy relating, resistant starch, vitamin and nutrient deficiencies, the thing we call god, the stars, my body, inherited trauma, the many ways I manage to get in my own way.. just to name a few. Turns out each of them is an obstacle or an opportunity to be taken or traversed. To lean in to or overcome. The hardest thing I have had to overcome in my recovery though has been the belief that I could THINK my way out of my feelings. Once drinking my feelings away was no longer an option my brain set out to manage things. It was an act of dissociation. A habit that kept the raw parts of me at a seemingly safe distance. I have complained in the past about others not taking my feelings seriously. Once I recognized that I, myself wanted little to nothing to do with them.. well that explained everything. If I didn’t want to deal with how I felt why would anyone else? I had to find a way to own and legit FEEL the things that I had been pushing down my whole life. So I did. Which has often been super uncomfortable and fucking frightening - to be frank. I begin by acknowledging the feelings as they came up in my mind. Which my brain is down for. Then I try to place where I feel it most in my body. My gut? My shoulders? In my chest? My face? Wherever it feels heaviest is where I place my hands. I keep them there for a while and try to name the feeling. Like maybe my shoulders feel hot and tight so I’ll give them a little rub and name it - Anger. Then I get to explore the feeling more. How intense is it? What triggered it? When have I felt this in the past? Placing my hands on the area really helps me feel it - rather than just simply analyzing it. Seems rudimentary but it has helped me warm up to the fact that feeling is okay.. and often pretty good. Can you relate to thinking your feelings? If so, how do you go about bridging the gap?

To celebrate my 500 days I am having neighbors over for dinner. Cabbage rolls, big salad and sparkling kefir for all the b vitamins, probiotics and CBD a girl could want. I went to the farmers market to pick up the kefir from Mircalo and I got to see one of my favorite farmers who makes the best kimchi and say hi to the zen-ass dude that runs the mushroom stand. I also took some time today for a little light gardening and harvested all the berries off of my Malabar spinach plant. They don’t taste great but they make an awesome natural and edible dye for anything from pasta and pastries to clothes. Not sure what I’ll be dying just yet but.. stay tuned!

Tea & Tarot

I was drawing some cards for a client this morning and thought I would pull a few as a message for today’s post. The four of cups and the seven of pentacles popped out. The imagery of the four of cups in nearly every deck has always hit me as an attempt to tempt. Although I haven’t heard other readers way read it that way. It is an offering followed by rejection. The person in the image never accepts the cup. This card comes with a message of boredom, dissatisfaction and at times an unwillingness to see the opportunity in a situation. The seven of pentacles on the other hand, speaks to investment, persistence, patience and sustainability. Here together my intuition tells me that the message is to hold out for what is yours. If you have planted the seeds They will eventually bloom. It also tells me that if you need help don’t fail to notice when it is offered or be too proud to take it. That is something I know I could improve on. I always want to do everything myself. Requiring help has been known to freak me out. If you can relate - this message is for you.

I love the tarot. I picked it back up in sobriety. It has been such a great tool for getting back in touch with my intuition. I have a cup of tea and pull cards at least once a week for myself or friends and clients who want a little guidance or just an energy read. Today I am having my daily cup of adrenal support tea. It has been such a big help in managing the stress of this year and remaining patient with everything that has happened. Huge fan. I mail it to friends, gift it to clients and recommend it to customers at the herb bar any chance I get.

Day 295: Kale, garlic, serrano and potato hash with left over strip steak and an egg fried in ghee with some rad herby green sauce on top. Sort of a remix from last nights dinner.. I had an ex-coworker over. I cooked us a steak with a bunch of sautéed veg and a mini cheese board with apples, seedy mustard, herbed chèvre and a sharp aged cheddar. She brought me some honey from her bees (so very cool) and a selection of coconut milk ice creams from Thai fresh. Huzzah! I tried the honey lavender and the Thai basil.. I can not tell you which I liked better. Both were perfectly sweet, bright and gentle. Such a treat.

Life is what happens away from the computer..

I think Sunday’s may become screen free. A weekly scheduled 24 hour fasting to cleanse my mind and my eyes balls. A ritualistic unplugging. No content. No emails. No likes. No feeds. Just hobbies, meal prepping, the farmers market, bike rides, badminton, soaking up some sun, talking to my plants, being present and on really good Sundays, puzzles. My neighbor Jeffrey and I just started this 1500 piece beast. I love working on a puzzle. While the anxious parts of me may be convinced that “we are missing a piece” the over all effect of putting it together reminds me that in my life I already have everything I need.. I just need the focus and perspective to get it all in place.. and to enjoy the process.

Day 190: Avocado, kimchi, pineapple, kale, cucumber, amaranth sprouts. Refreshing, spicy and great for the immune system.

One Year Soberversary

Around the sun and back again. Today makes 365 days without a hangover. No late nights with superficial friends. No 2 am whataburger. No hangxiety or wasted days recovering from round after round of tequila shots. No staggeringly high bar tabs or forgetting my debit card at the bar. No shame. For all of its beauty out weighed the bullshit this year and I really needed it. I have gotten to reconnect with myself and feel through things I never wanted to feel. I finally learned how to truly be alone with myself without checking the exits or relying on distractions. It is funny how the older I get it is not the things I do that benefit me the most. It is the things I quit doing. Having to do less// having less to do allows me more time to just be. Giving myself that time has me feeling so creative and in turn optimistic.. despite the current circumstances of the world. Sobriety and the pandemic has finally allowed me to get what they meant by..

“You are the sky. Everything else is the weather.”

nothing is happening to us.. it’s just happening around us. How we choose to respond or engage is is up to us. When drunk (or hungover) I was prone to taking things personally.. on a professional level. It is a gift to be clear enough and open to learning how to catch myself, quit that shit and spend that energy elsewhere. Like.. on the yoga mat or in the kitchen or going to school or making art or calling my state representatives or riding my bike or improving my relationships or talking to my plants or reading books or starting a breakfast blog or befriending all the neighborhood cats or foraging for food or playing badminton or writing run on sentences… Remove the hangover and the chip on your shoulder and man, you can really make some moves.. learn some new ones too. So here is to another year. To clarity, stability, gratitude and sanity. I think I’ll celebrate with some Sweet Ritual ice cream, a long bike ride and a longer bath. “Cheers!”

Day 178: A few of my favorite things… Kale, kimchi, mango and bloobs.