I want you to meet someone..

It froze recently and all my plants had to come in. Including this pathos that has been climbing the wall outside my front door for years now. This is Ridel, my early sobriety buddy. When I first quit drinking I took the path of isolation. It is not for everybody but I needed the hush of solitude to recover and redirect. I took the cue from our modern world. When something is not working for you, what do you do? You unplug it, wait and restart. I cooked for myself, watched movies, mastered the art of napping and read a lot. From self help to comic books, autobiographies and even the liner notes of my LP’s. Taking in other people’s words feeling as if they were all written just for me. Around this time I found myself talking (and occasionally reading out loud) to Ridel a lot. He was the only other living thing around and he was struggling too. Turning yellow and dropping leaves as quickly as I was going grey. My mother gifted me this plant years ago. It was one of many that I received from her - with it a ton of anxiety. Saying “oh you shouldn’t have..” and fully meaning it. I may have gotten her cheek bones but I did not believe myself to be blessed with her green thumbs. It is honestly a miracle that Ridel survived my early 30’s. A time I spent truly heart broken, dragging myself from bed to work, from work to the bar and back to bed again. I blacked out a lot, falling asleep often fully dress, shoes and makeup on to complete the look. I routinely skipped breakfast, unless coffee and ibuprofen count. I certainly was not remembering to water my singular house plant with any regularity. I myself spent the days behind moody UV resistant sunglasses. Hungover and hissing at the sun, surviving on caffeine, wondering when my life was going to turn the fuck around. By the time I hit 35 Ridel and I were both chronically dehydrated and vitamin D deficient. 

After I quit drinking and began spending more time at home talking to my potted companion, the more I noticed that honestly, he was looking pretty shitty. Yes, Ridel had managed to survive under my mediocre and utterly superficial care, but had failed to thrive. A common theme in my life at the time. Out of guilt I picked up some plant food and found it a better spot for him by the window, remembering to open the blinds each day when I got out of bed. I started sitting by the window with Ridel in the morning. I would sip my coffee and together we gazed out the across the yard, giggling as we spied on the neighbors across the way who were very committed to their Nintendo Wii workout.* After a week or so of direct sunshine and regular H2O Ridel’s leaves started looking glossy like the pages of National Geographic. After a month it had grown so much that I needed to repot it. I flattered myself thinking that my company had something to do with it too. Because Ridel was doing something for me. Watching his progress was restoring my confidence in being able to take care of something. It was showing me that you can turn things around. Transform, even. He gave me hope.

Ridel has kept me aware of how far I have come in when I lose perspective or start shit talking myself. We have grown so much together over the years. I have not gotten any taller (which would have been cool) but he has grown into a total beast (at roughly 17 feet long) and I truly love the person looking back at me in the mirror.

*I want it to be known that I no longer spy on the neighbors. Turns out watching others exercise will provide you with exactly zero of the benefits one gets from doing actual exercise, unfortunately. In the end they inspired me to get into a routine of my own.

Day 313: Almond buckwheat muffin with yogurt, pomegranate and bloobs.

500 Days of Sobriety

Day 300: Simplest breakfast yet. Uno banana and a glass of kombucha. Didn’t want to be late to the farmers market.

My sobriety journey has been going on since long before I realized it and I was never one to really keep track of the days… but I think it kept me going this time. A number as arbitrary as it is important. Like most things, it is both things. Like when you realize that perceived weakness of yours is a strength. So, 500 days, 12,000 hours, 720,000 minutes.. what have I learned? A little bit of everything, luckily. I learned a lot about the passing of time, perfectionism, codependency, healthy relating, resistant starch, vitamin and nutrient deficiencies, the thing we call god, the stars, my body, inherited trauma, the many ways I manage to get in my own way.. just to name a few. Turns out each of them is an obstacle or an opportunity to be taken or traversed. To lean in to or overcome. The hardest thing I have had to overcome in my recovery though has been the belief that I could THINK my way out of my feelings. Once drinking my feelings away was no longer an option my brain set out to manage things. It was an act of dissociation. A habit that kept the raw parts of me at a seemingly safe distance. I have complained in the past about others not taking my feelings seriously. Once I recognized that I, myself wanted little to nothing to do with them.. well that explained everything. If I didn’t want to deal with how I felt why would anyone else? I had to find a way to own and legit FEEL the things that I had been pushing down my whole life. So I did. Which has often been super uncomfortable and fucking frightening - to be frank. I begin by acknowledging the feelings as they came up in my mind. Which my brain is down for. Then I try to place where I feel it most in my body. My gut? My shoulders? In my chest? My face? Wherever it feels heaviest is where I place my hands. I keep them there for a while and try to name the feeling. Like maybe my shoulders feel hot and tight so I’ll give them a little rub and name it - Anger. Then I get to explore the feeling more. How intense is it? What triggered it? When have I felt this in the past? Placing my hands on the area really helps me feel it - rather than just simply analyzing it. Seems rudimentary but it has helped me warm up to the fact that feeling is okay.. and often pretty good. Can you relate to thinking your feelings? If so, how do you go about bridging the gap?

To celebrate my 500 days I am having neighbors over for dinner. Cabbage rolls, big salad and sparkling kefir for all the b vitamins, probiotics and CBD a girl could want. I went to the farmers market to pick up the kefir from Mircalo and I got to see one of my favorite farmers who makes the best kimchi and say hi to the zen-ass dude that runs the mushroom stand. I also took some time today for a little light gardening and harvested all the berries off of my Malabar spinach plant. They don’t taste great but they make an awesome natural and edible dye for anything from pasta and pastries to clothes. Not sure what I’ll be dying just yet but.. stay tuned!

The obstacle is the path…

Last night I set out for a late night bike ride to burn off the energies and clear my mind before bed. My bike choked up and I ended up kicking rocks and walking home in the dark. Dragging my bike with me like a cat on a leash. Wanting someone to know where I was (and desiring to complain about the injustice of it all) I called my best friend. She was awesome as always. She just listened to me conjure up new curse words for the situation until I got it out of my system without interjecting or offering a sunny spin on things… like I probably would have done. *shame* Once my pouty party was over we started talking about the day ahead. The things we needed to do, the things we wanted to do and ultimately the many things we were dreading and ways we could potentially avoid them. After throwing out some playful ways we could skirt responsibility and turn procrastination into a pro sport she said “yeah but the obstacle is the path. We know this.” And we laughed until we sighed. She is right. What stands in the way becomes the way. It doesn’t feel great but it’s comical... That thing you want is on the other side of that thing you don’t want. Leaving us to wonder ‘who put that there?!’ and reminding us that to truly have it ALL means you are probably not going to like it all.. but as my mother would say “It’s good for you!” In conclusion.. Tuesday is the new Monday. I hope you are feeling well rested from all that celebratory social distancing you did yesterday. That you’re rah-rah-ready to examine, devillainize and tackle the obstacles that lead your way. Success lies on the other side. Be it sobriety, a baller career, an ass you can bounce quarters off of or that dreamy partner in crime your heart has been searching for.

Day 136: Last nights soup… Round 2. Bone broth, carrots, potatoes, cabbage, mushrooms, mung beans and kale. Seasoned with Turmeric, cinnamon, garlic, fenugreek, salt, brown mustard seeds, coriander, cumin, ginger, cayenne, cardamom, black pepper and cloves. It’s soupier than it looks. I shredded some fresh greens and ladled the soup over it. Then I put more greens on top. Because? As above, so below. Plus bonus greens are good and it adds texture.