I have been depressed lately. I get quiet when I am blue. I don’t like posting when I am processing my my less awesome feelings. It feels like I’m trying to distract myself or get some kind of instant gratification to ease what is ailing me.. and a big part of sobriety for me is sitting with anything I do not want to feel and learning (again and again) that I will survive it. Here’s what I’ve been sitting with..
In sobriety (or in any great effort to heal and improve) your community is likely to change. You are going to lose people. Friends, significant others, family members - who might not understand how to relate to you anymore.. or who will feel triggered by your sobriety or your growth. Your circle will change and you will learn to connect and relate in new ways. You will become more aware and discerning about who and what you share your time and energy with. It is equal parts “hell yes” and “no thank you.” I broke my sobriety quite a few times over the past 4 years trying to reach back into the past and connect with old friends. I missed them. Part of me knew that if they were meant to be with me during this new chapter of my life that they would be. No reaching back or falling into old habits necessary.. but so many times another part of me just did not want that to be the truth so, I would have to go check. These days between sobriety and Covid I do not have as many friends as I once did. I still miss some people more than I could say and - real talk - I have been grieving the loss of one of them especially hard lately. That’s why I’ve been a little quiet. Just taking the time to feel my feels. I have to say that it totally sucks but sometimes that’s just what it is to feel. And I am grateful to be available to my own pain. I am also truly grateful for the friends that are still here and the new friends I have made since I quit drinking. These relationships are made of different shit and there’s more room to grow within them. If you are experiencing some major shifts in your relationships right now, beyond wanting to give you a hug - there’s a few things I want to say to you (and me too)..
Peoples actions (or inactions) are about them - not you. *If you are anything like me you may need to repeat this to yourself a few hundred times..
It’s ok to grieve the loss of these relationships. Don’t rush the process. Don’t let pride keep you from feeling and expressing it. Anger, depression, disbelief.. all of it. If you do not feel through it you will have to drag it around with you - this is exhausting and it breeds resentment. Take it from one who knows.
Maybe some relationships are not over forever but they are not in your highest good for right now. Do not look back. If these relationships are meant to be a part of your life they will appear again - down the road.
Trust that sometimes the universe is just clearing some space for you to grow. Trust that you are not alone.
Today I ate a banana by the river before I met some ladies to pick up trash that washed up on the shore. Depression looks like a lot of things.. and sometimes there’s no energy left for photo documentation.