Inauguration Day

The first words I read this morning were “Trump has left the White House” and I felt my jaw and my butthole relax to a degree that they have not been able of for the past 4+ years. I feel obligated now to ask that the next time you find yourself clenching your jaw to check and see if you are clenching anywhere else.. lower.. darker. Because I’d bet money that you are. We do this subconsciously when we are feeling a need to gain control. Anyhow.. feeling blissed out and relieved today but fully aware that there is still much work to be done. A while back one of my clients set a goal in regards to his health and as we were talking about what it would look like to accomplish this I asked him why it was important that he reach this goal and he said “I am an engaged person. I want to stay engaged and I want to feel good while I do it.” From his lips to the goddesses ears! Y’all please. Take care of yourselves. Stay the course. Eat well Stay engaged! The world needs you feeling good, capable and present.

Breakfast today.. yogurt, bananas, kumquats, blueberries, almonds, pumpkin seeds, hemp hearts and pecans - I’m glad I picked so many. Protein, fats, fiber, omegas, vitamin c, antioxidants, potassium & magnesium.

Cross my heart & hope to.. Thrive.

I am not the most disciplined person.. never have been but it’s a goal of mine. I wanted to talk about the importance of routine today and of course last night something came along to challenge mine. Rudely awakened around midnight by my neighbor, some base heavy house music, what I can only imagine was the sound of ice clambering around in a cocktail shaker and a lot of people yelling over each other. Good fuhking morning. Maybe this is the physics of a good time? Someone else has to get up so you can get down? I lost more than an hour of sleep due to it. Fuming, tossing and turning, plotting revenge... but I still got up early and followed through with my routine. The water and my yoga clothes were already sitting out, waiting for me and  is important. Not for today so much but for the big picture. When I break promises to ourselves it damages my self esteem. When I allow other people’s actions to effect mine negatively it breeds resentment. So for the sake of my relationship with myself and my neighbor I dragged my ass out of bed and got to it. I am giving myself bonus points for finding the ability to smile through some of it and not return the favor by passive aggressively cranking the stereo as I got moving.. but I really wanted to. I wanted to put on something obnoxious like Guns & Roses. More than that I really just wanted to stay in bed. What promises are you making and keeping these days? Where have you not come through and can you feel the effects? No pressure to share it here of course - but sometimes making things public can help hold you accountable, if you need that right now. Just something to think about as we kick off a new day, a new week of opportunities. 

Breakfast today was.. Sweet Potato, funky kimchi, sautéed kale and mushrooms with cilantro to garnish and a soft boiled egg. I snacked on blueberries as I cooked. Probiotics, fiber, protein.. b vitamins, c vitamins, antioxidants.. salty, sweet.. it’s all there. 

Nothing like some flavonoids, endorphins and serotonin in the morning! I made myself a little cocoa-meal for breakfast. Oat groats cooked in almond milk with two teaspoons of dark Valrhona cocoa powder and a teaspoon of maple syrup. Topped with a tablespoon of coconut cream, bananas, nuts and seeds. I wanted it to mimic Love Crunch (a dessert cereal that I used to go nuts on). Sometimes I really miss it but the sugar content is just too high and I had to give it up. Adding maple syrup here gives me some extra zinc, manganese, iron and potassium while sweetening the deal. The cocoa energizes me, keeps my brain sharp and my mood lifted. A pretty decent concession, I must say. It has become easier and easier to say no to the things that bring me instant gratification. I have started to find more joy in playing the long game. How’s about you? What concessions or substitutions have you been making to be happier and healthier in the long run? 

Waking Up

“Your own
Self-Realization is the greatest service you can render the world.”

— Ramana Maharshi

Back when I was a chef at a rehab I loved making breakfast for everyone. Helping everyone start the day off on a nutritious note felt good but I really enjoyed watching the house wake up. People would gather in the kitchen and hang out with their coffee while I chopped fruit and scrambled eggs. They would visit, talkin about how they slept and any weird dreams they had, who and what they missed at home, what they had scheduled for the day - therapy, group, gym and what not. The newcomers were generally pretty quiet though. Still out of sorts, finding their footing and feeling the place out. People usually arrived at the house with a dubious look on their face and a washed up vibe. There would be that day though, sometimes it took a week or two but they would walk into the kitchen all bed headed with their PJ’s on and their eyes would be bright and clear. It was like meeting them for the first time. They’d be standing up a little straighter, they’d get a cup of coffee and join in on the conversation. That was the real gift of that job. Being there for that moment. Seeing someone wake up in themselves. We are two weeks into #dryjanuary and I can’t help but wonder who out there is having that moment today. 

Brûlée’d grapefruit & yogurt parfaits with a grab bag of cereal, berries and seeds on top. A breakfast offering from those days.

Fin.

And here it is.. Breakfast 365. A year ago today I was nearly 6 months sober. I was also ultra depressed, a little lost (but totally determined), very malnourished and I needed something to hold me accountable in showing up for myself. Breakfast may not seem like a wild revelation but it is if you are having a hard time just functioning in life. Getting out of bed, feeding yourself, doing the dishes… these simple things can be nearly heroic when you are in the thick of a depression. Being as vitamin and nutrient deficient as I was (from years of drinking and taking minimal care of myself) I had zero energy. These are the reasons I chose to make myself breakfast and document it every day for a full year. I have also always wanted to be a writer.. but I wasn’t writing. I wanted to have a consistent creative outlet but I wasn’t sticking to that either. This was a strange and challenging year for sticking to anything but I did it. Huzzah! While I didn’t post every single day - I did eat. I made myself something beautiful and nourishing every single GD day. To regain my health, my self trust, my self worth and I’m here to say it worked. I put on some weight, began to balanced out my hormones, balanced out my mind. My relationship with myself. It changed the choices I make around food. It changed how and why I indulge myself. It helped with my anxiety more than words could say. I am crazy grateful for all of that but the biggest thing this year gave me is the strength to be vulnerable. I didn’t really set out to talk about my sobriety. A year ago today - being sober was still really just for me. Something I only really talked about with close friends. It didn’t feel too much like anyone else’s business. At some point though I realized it was inauthentic to leave it out of the conversation. I was not ashamed but I was afraid of becoming defined by something I do not do. Afraid of being judged if I fell back into drinking. If I failed - again. Of course one of the gifts of getting sober and having a clear mind is fully knowing that the only person who can judge or define you is yourself. Logically of course I knew that all along but it took some time to really feel that truth in my guts and my bones.. and my heart. I want to thank everyone for reading and subscribing. For all the emails and messages. For being vulnerable with me. That was something I could not have imagined when I started this and if ever there was a year I needed that it was this one. I am going to continue to post here. To keep talking about food and philosophy, pop music, sobriety and recipes for things to help others on their healing journey. I have some new things in the works that I will be able to share soon too.

Day 365: Quinoa and kimchi cakes with sautéed kale and a poached egg. I made 3 cakes but dropped one. Gravity, man.. a gift, a curse and often the source of a good laugh.

Hurricane Bonnie

“You are the sky. Everything else - it’s just the weather. ”

— Pema Chodron

This was my mantra today. I sorta played around with it by humming weather themed songs as my day went nothing like I had hoped it would. At some point in the afternoon Only Happy When It Rains popped into my head and.. I just had to laugh at myself. This is who I have always been. Someone who loves the storm. I have been rain dancing past caution signs and red flags as sport for a long time. This is something I have denied in the past but it has always been true. When life is messy I have something to clean up. Something to fix. Something I can blame or get preoccupied with when I get freaked out about what it would be to fully show up.. and potentially fail. Maybe you can relate? Seeing this and owning it right now feels… kind of powerful. My life had a real Hurricane Bonnie vibe a few years back and now, after fighting my way out of a self imposed deluge I can say (with a lot of empathy and forgiveness towards myself) that I chose that. Consciously.. subconsciously. Now I am feeling pretty confident that no matter what I choose next - it will come in spades.

Tomorrow is my 365th breakfast. I should probably knock off so I can wake up early, hangover free, and grab some eggs from the farm.. gotta wrap up this project with an egg on top.

Day 364: Hot Salad.. it kinda looks like confetti. Party. Sautéed broccoli, carrot, purple cabbage, red bell pepper, loads of garlic, lemon, crushed red pepper, a 6 minute egg and some hemp hearts.

If you are feeling down..

Here we are - a week into Dry January! I hope you’re all hanging in and feeling ok. I know the news has a lot of people feeling stressed and depressed. Looks like America couldn’t even make it a full week into the new year without another fit of divisive disintegration. We have so much healing that needs to be done. It starts with ourselves. Always. On that note, If you find yourself lacking energy, feeling weak, anxious, depressed, unable to focus or at the mercy of one chaotic mood swing after another - you might have a B vitamin deficiency. Which would make sense if your are newly in recovery. B vitamins are water soluble so, drinking means that once we “break the seal” they all quite literally go down the toilet. Not ideal. Our body does not produce B vitamins so we have to get it from the food we eat or supplements. These MVP’s keep the body energized by converting our food into energy and creating red blood cells which are responsible for carrying oxygen to your muscles. They also ensure that your immune and nervous system are working properly. In fact it is vital in the production of neurotransmitters, especially dopamine, serotonin and GABA. All essential for feeling calm, sleeping well, experiencing pleasure, being happy, ya know - our general well-being.

There are plenty of delicious things you can eat to get all your necessary B vitamins. Leafy greens, eggs, yogurt, salmon, avocado, legumes, bananas, plantains, tofu, pork and chicken breast.. to name a few.

Day 363: Last night I did not sleep so well. My dreams were less than great and I blame it on consuming too much news. I woke up this morning and I just wanted something beautiful. I wasn’t very hungry but if I have learned anything over the past year it is that skipping breakfast means things will get a little dark and bitchy by 2pm. So.. something simple, nourishing and beautiful to balance out all the chaos and negativity from yesterday. Bavarian yogurt, pumpkin seeds, a few raisins, almonds, some toasted pine nuts leftover from last nights dinner, half an apple and a turmeric, honey syrup I whipped up with a little fermented pineapple shrub that I made a while back. So damn good. I could have used a splash of any kombucha but that’s not what was around. Point is - work with what you got. Get creative.

Starving

Day 362: 18 oz of Brian Eno.. my favorite smoothie from the Soup Peddler - up the block from work. Açaí, banana, raw cacao, walnuts, ginkgo biloba, cinnamon, coconut oil, Himalayan salt, hemp milk.

It’s funny how it’s customary in our culture to raise a glass to celebrate and connect with others when what is in the glass is likely to make the memory of that moment fuzzy the next day or gone all together. Drinking gets us to the gathering but can rob us from the emotional nourishment that comes from connecting with each other. It creates that same reality inside of your body. Emotionally and physically. Did you know that doctors view an alcoholic mind as starved? It is because the body loses its ability to absorb the nutrients that are vital to your mental and physical well-being. Alcohol wreaks havoc on your guts. The stomach and intestinal lining becomes damaged and no longer capable of metabolizing or utilizing the vitamins and minerals in the food you eat. What’s worse is when we are drinking we do not generally choose the most nutrient rich foods to begin with. I know a lot of people in recovery could say the same about their social lives before they gave up booze. Overtime our bodies are running on fumes - literally.. The stress from the “hot mess” we become depletes our bodies further. Our nervous system gets taxed by the chaos, the clean up, the unhealthy diet, the unhealthy relationships with others and ourselves. Plus we aren’t getting proper deep sleep. We become depleted on every front and it makes us want to drink more. This breeds anxiety and we fall into debt with ourselves. Always a behind and nothing in the bank. I really want to seriously and clearly express how our inner and outer worlds mirror each other. There’s a lot of focus in recovery on making amends and repairing relationships - which is truly important - but that honestly begins with you and your body. This work starts on a biological level. When your body doesn’t trust you - who can? They call it substance abuse but really we are abusing ourselves. The substance isn’t the one who gets hurt. There’s not a bottle of wine out there crying to friend about how unreciprocated your relationship is. Your body and the every-fucking-bit of you that it is a home for.. has taken a beating. It’s been neglected and often abandoned. Eating well is not a trend or a chore. It is a way to regain your own trust. To balance, honor and respect yourself. It is vital. Tomorrow I’m going to start talking about the vitamins alcohol makes us most deficient in. Stay tuned.

Attention, Awareness, Discipline & Effort

Day 361: Roasted sweet potato, chopped hard boiled egg, kimchi, cilantro, pumpkin seeds & Braggs amino acids.

Starting off this week talking about the importance of water in recovery made me think of the speech “This is water” by David Foster Wallace. Maybe you have heard it or read the transcript before - if not... it was delivered at a college graduation ceremony but I feel like it has plenty of appropriate messages for anyone at any point in life. About the kind of awareness, choice and perspective that can help us from getting worn down and falling into harmful, isolating thought patterns and coping behaviors that become habits and can keep us from truly living this life.

But.. I don’t like it.

One night when I was prepping dinner at the rehab one of the clients came through the kitchen and scoffed at the broccoli on my cutting board. “Gross! Is that what’s for dinner?” A question followed by a rant about the many other vegetables that they really did not like. One of the technicians came through in time to hear this pretty powerful monologue and shut it down by saying “you used to shoot up with toilet water. I think you can handle some broccoli.” Then they both went off to group. I caught a lot of complaints and eye rolls about the healthy food I made there and I totally understood. They wanted their comfort food. French fries, cookie dough ice cream, gummy bears, meatball subs, sodas, Mac n cheese and endless bags of potato chips. However, I could not in good conscience feed them these things. They played into the same reward system in their brains that drugs and alcohol did. All that junky salty sweet stuff would only be standing in until they got back out into the world and could get their hands on what they were in there to recover from. I watched it happen. Many people who did not use the time in rehab to begin to change their diet - came back. It was always the ones who lived on coffee, cigarettes, pastries and juice. So I just started offering less of those things. I’ve never told anybody this but… I watered down the juice and started cutting the coffee with decaf.. I’d trick them and make chocolate cake for dessert… only later to reveal it was made with beets. I kept it up and dealt with the push back because eating was the only thing I could be sure our clients would continue to do outside of rehab. The exercising, meditating, journaling or going to meetings could easily get dropped but eating? That’s a necessity. If they could begin to change that one behavior they stood a better chance of recovering. As they say - how you do one thing is how you do anything. I also know what it is to not like things and to know that can change. Real talk - it would be challenging to describe how much I once detested oatmeal. Back in my 20’s I had a boyfriend that ate it all the time and it turned my stomach on the reg. I called it things like “sad” or “pasty” and offered to make him literally anything else but - he legit liked it. In my book it was warm, weak, old people food. Gruel.. Now? I love it. I love gruel! Who am I? I like her..

Day 360: Really good gruel. Oat groats, ghee, almond milk, cinnamon, bananas, bloobs, almonds, pumpkin seeds, cocoa nibs and coconut cream.

Ask for help.

Today I took a friend to urgent care. They had been moving furniture by themselves and things didn’t go so well. They ended up in a lot of pain and unable to drive to the doctor. I was of course grateful to have been around and able to help. As I waited in the car (they weren’t allowing anyone not being treated inside - good call) I got to thinking about how often I have stubbornly insisted that I could do something on my own. Many things really. I’m an only child, I’m stubborn, often prideful and it has hurt me before too. Recently, on a call with a client I used moving furniture alone as an analogy for self improvement… you have to push a little over here, pull a bit from this angle, slide it this way, walk it back, pace around wishing someone would show up miraculously and help.. or do it for you. Once you finally accept that no one is coming you have to rethink your approach, learn to be patient with the process and sometimes, in the end, discover that it doesn’t fit or look the way you thought it would.. but you’re proud and feel accomplished none the less. In my analogy though I hadn’t really taken into account how much you could honestly fuck yourself up by going it alone. All of this is to say.. ask for help -with whatever you are struggling with. That’s what we are all here for. To support each other.

Day 359: Sunday hash. Russet potatoes, celery, apples, purple cabbage, garlic, kale, a soft boiled egg and a little bit of bacon. I don’t eat a lot of meat but every once in a while…

Oh the irony..

This month I want to help anyone who is looking to make a change start on a biological level. So there is an awesome foundation to grow from. Once you’re body and your mind are feeling strong and healthy there’s no end to what you can do. So it may seem basic but, we’re starting with water. I know we’re calling it Dry January but not having any booze in your system for an entire month is going to make you more hydrated than ever! Yay for irony! Alcoholics or anyone who over imbibes runs the risk of becoming chronically dehydrated. I mean booze at night and then coffee in the morning to help you manage - that’s a recipe for dehydration. No judgment though - been there. I have personally suffered the side effects of dehydration. I may not have recognized it as such at the time but… Headaches, dry skin, crappy complexion, getting dizzy, having cramps, lack of energy, intestinal issues, craving sweets, rapid heart beat, irritability, sunken eyes.. that was me. If you’re here, maybe that’s you. We all know that our bodies can’t function without water and we are all familiar with the 8 glasses a day rule and I stand by that. 8 is great - do that! There are some other ways to stay hydrated though. Foods, duh! Soups and hot tea are choice and seasonally appropriate moves. Soup is a great hydrating meal so long as it isn’t cream or cheese based.. those kind of soups have their place but not here, not today. Tea, well tea is a lot of things. Hydration, ritual, comfort, peace, warmth, complexity, self care.. it gives you a moment when you need a moment. Clearly I love it. There are also foods that have a high water content that you can work into your diet for ultra good results. They change seasonally of course but right now cauliflower, apples, cabbage, citrus fruit and celery are all at their peak and full of water + they come with the added benefit of fiber. Later in the year it shifts to peaches, cucumbers, watermelon, zucchini, bell peppers, tomatoes and cantaloupe. My point is - there’s always something natural, delicious and hydrating around. Get creative and eat up!

Day 358: Beluga Lentil soup with celery, carrots, tiny red potatoes, many cloves of garlic, sun dried tomatoes, lemon, bay and kale, cooked in my turmeric broth and topped with chives. It’s leftovers. I made it for New Years Day instead of black eyed peas to buck tradition. I chose the beluga lentils because they resemble caviar and that’s a festive thing to eat this time of year that I have sorely missed.

Tradition & Intention

A year ago today I woke up on the first day of the year hangover free for the first time in my adult life. I got up at 5am and went to the pool for the polar bear swim.. a supposedly fun thing I will never do again. The idea is to wash away the that which no longer serves you and set you free from the past year. A worthwhile pursuit no doubt but a sweaty work out and a hot bath can offer the same results - without freezing your tits off. I picked up a bag of donuts on the drive home and promptly got back in bed upon arrival to regain my body heat and live again. The donuts were for superstition /tradition as well. They (not sure who they are) say that round foods symbolize coins and eating them on January 1st will bring you success in the financial realm over the coming year. This I like. I am superstitious. Mostly because it is more fun than the alternative. It can make any old thing ritualistic… like eating the tip of the pie last and making a wish before you do or eating your fortune cookie before you read the fortune it holds to ensure that it comes true. Looks like I am mostly into superstitions that involve food. Huh.. I did not realize that. Anyhow, back to donuts and prosperity! I am breaking tradition this year after having reevaluated this practice. Donuts are cheap and have little to no nutritional value. You often regret eating them because they make you feel like crap and who wants to kick things off like that? This year donuts are out and kimchi is in! It’s better for my gut, my mood and my skin. So more likely to make me feel like a millions bucks and it works better with the idea of having a financially successful year as well. There’s already a tradition of eating cabbage with your corn bread and black eyed peas to rake in the dough so it only makes sense that kimchi would be like… money AND earned interest. Mostly though it’s an investment in my well-being for the year ahead. On that note - Dry January kicks off today! For anyone who is taking this opportunity to take break from alcohol or quit all together, Huzzah! I am here for you! This month we will dig into how to curb cravings, manage anxiety, satisfy your sweet tooth in a healthy way and begin to heal some of the damage and nutritional deficiency that comes with over imbibing.

Day 357: Quinoa, kimchi, avocado, soft boiled egg and bloobs. There’s a lot of protein in this dish which our bodies need in recovery. Proteins are the bodies building blocks and if you’ve been drinking a lot there’s some restoration going on inside. Help your body out by making sure you’re getting enough healthy protein to do the job. Quinoa has more protein than any other grain and you’ll be seeing a lot of it here this month.

Auld lang syne..

It’s New Years Eve and I am at home as I am sure most people are. Tea and candles and cartoons. The neighbors are popping off fireworks. A bath later with a book or maybe just the new Nick Cave record. Ring in the 2021 with a different kind of bubbles. New Years always makes me think of Dallas. I grew up there and sometimes on New Years I threw up there. No regrets about it though. Not anymore. Those memories feel sweet tonight and play through my mind with a fantastic soundtrack. Cheap champagne and house parties. All ages clubs and getting kicked out for lighting black cats in the bathroom. Bands that were too loud and things just getting started at midnight. Still up when the sun crept over the horizon - we called it gods flashlight.. I’m am grateful to have had those years and lucky to have come out of them in one piece and no handcuffs, more or less. They made me who I am - a lady who is going to be asleep sooner than later tonight and will wake up feeling awesome and knowing where her clothes and car keys are. We say “no regrets” but I think it’s okay to have them for a little while. How else would you learn that like a lot of things - they fade. Perspective comes in like a stream and wears down all the sharp edges of the shoulda’s and woulda’s so one day you can “tak a cup o' kindness yet - For auld lang syne.”

Happy New Year Everyone. I hope you are feeling peaceful, sparkly and loved.

Day 356: Yogurt, prunes, goji berries, pecans, pumpkin seeds, hemp hearts, cacoa nibs, Udo’s 3*6*9 oil and some maple syrup.

Waste not want not.

Day 355: Savory Oatmeal with sautéed kale and a soft boiled egg. Nice and simple. The complexity comes from the broth I cooked the groats in. A vegetable stock with all the usual suspects, carrot, celery, onion, mushroom stalks, bay leaves and peppercorns.. then I throw in 2 prunes or sometimes some dried apple rings (depends on what I have in the pantry), a ton of garlic and 4 thumbs of fresh turmeric root. This has a wide varied of nutrients, it’s soothing for your system and has a well rounded flavor. A solid base for anything or can be sipped on its own when you need nutrients but just don’t really feel like doing a whole thing. I keep some frozen most of the time but I do make a batch every 2 weeks or so with the scraps from that weeks cooking - so it does differ a little here and there.. leek tops, skins from a butternut squash, herbs that are on their way out... If the idea of scraps gacks you out - know that all your favorite restaurants and creating gold with their scraps and you totally love it.

Final Full Moon

Tonight is the final full moon the year. I’ll probably celebrate more tonight than I do I New Year’s Eve. Most full moons make people go a little feral. Ask any bartender, nurse, EMS or cop and they’ll agree - a full moons means that it will probably be a wild night. I know I have definitely leaned into that energy in the past. Full Moons meant extra shots, breaking into some place to swim at midnight, howling at the moon. For the record, I’m still pro-howling. Not tonight though. The moon is back at home in Cancer and things feel quiet. Things feel good. This creates a big emotional release for all of us. Even if you don’t believe in that sort of thing. I wrote a little bit about the energy for The Herb Bar if you’re curious. If you’re just here for the eggs…

Day 354: Sourdough toast with cilantro pesto, gently scrambled eggs, local grapefruit and as always - blueberries.

Letting go..

Day 353: Russet potato, purple cabbage, broccoli, carrots, oyster mushrooms sautéed in ghee with a soft boiled egg. A little too soft but thats what you get when you don’t set a timer. Always set a timer. Just like you should always write things down - you will not remember.

If there were ever a theme for a year… yeah letting go is a constant in life but this year came with a heavy dose of it. People we loved, jobs that provided and even the rhythm of life it’s self. Yesterday I lost something that helped get me through so many of those losses. Someone stole my bike from outside of my house. It was disappointing but as I started to think about how it was locked up and how it must have been the middle of the day and yadda yadda yadda - I just had to stop myself and laugh. Remind myself that I don’t control shit outside of myself and that I am wildly grateful that I the bike when I needed it most. It made me think of this quote by Jackson Kiddard - who is kind of a mystery - which I am into - but clearly he was very wise.

““Anything that annoys you is for teaching you patience.
Anyone who abandons you is for
teaching you how to stand up
on your own two feet.
Anything that angers you is for
teaching you forgiveness and compassion.
Anything that has power over you is for teaching you how to
take your power back.
Anything you hate is for
teaching you unconditional love.
Anything you fear is for
teaching you courage
to overcome your fear.
Anything you can’t control is for teaching you how to let go
and trust the Universe” ”

— Jackson Kiddard

Dancing with myself

Day 352: Post workout yogurt with bananas bloobs, pumpkin seeds and a peanut butter /cocoa probiotic granola.

Reflecting on this past year I started working on a little series that sort of celebrates all the time we have had alone with ourselves over the past 10 months.. for better or worse. The time somehow managed to fly and drag. This year has given me plenty to want to run and hide from but I managed to stay with myself and fully present for it. Drinking and going out, being at the bar, was always about Me avoiding Me. I didn’t want to face or even acknowledge the darker parts. I’m glad I started that work before this year hit and I have a thousand high fives for anyone who started facing all that stuff this year. That’s some beautifully challenging and brave shit to face - especially as the world has gone into a tail spin. Anyway - here’s what I’ve been working on. It’s been cathartic. The style and color choices kind of surprised me… but felt right. See, that’s what a ton of time alone gets you.. an opportunity to surprise yourself. Click/tap the image to move to the next..

New Year. New You?

This morning my inbox was full of marketing emails with loud headlines about how 2021 is here and the “new me” is just around the corner. What luck! Right? Because once the new year arrives my real life can begin. I won’t have to be this person anymore. Once some new product drops in 2021 the path will appear. Like that is when it will be possible to reach full potential. As though whatever the current moment offers and whoever I am in it is not enough - so let’s take a step out of this moment and focus on the future where I am whole. Which is the sole purpose of advertising - to let you know that you are lacking something. To make you feel bad about the current state of things/your life. It is equal parts pathetic and hilarious. There is just so much money to be made in making people feel like we are not enough. It attempts to keep us busy reaching outside of ourselves to find a sense of value and belonging and to keep us waiting for the right moment. If you have ever caught yourself thinking that you will do that thing you dream of doing once ____ happens or you are ____ or you have ____ … that is not an original thought. That is our culture. A lot of money has been spent over generations to teach people to think that way. Teams of people created that narrative and damaging thought pattern, not to help us get what we need but to keep us from ourselves. The advertising industry pulled in about 60 billion dollars this year alone - simply by finding creative and entertaining ways to tell us all that we do not have what we need. It’s yet another way people try to tell us who we are in this life. The recovery experience often involves a lot of personal analysis to uncover the root of our self limiting beliefs which are often found buried deep in the past but… these messages of “not enough” are still coming in! All to keep us from rewriting our own personal narrative. It is someone’s high paying job to make sure that you hear the message. On repeat. It is my hope that if we are looking for a shift we will see the opportunity in any old moment to take a step. That we will audit these relentless messages and hear them for the bs they are. That we will value growth and transformation over transaction and find at least one moment each day where we know and feel completely that we are enough. 

Day 351: Toasted sourdough with fancy French cheese, smoked salmon, seedy mustard, kale, blueberries and hemp hearts. Delicious. Say what you will but clearly I am on a mission to prove that blueberries go on everything.

Deck the halls…

Day 350: Reality Check Hot Cocoa

With Poly-phe-nols! Fa-la-la-la-la la la la la.

Merry Christmas y’all! I woke up this morning after some lovely sleeping in and decided that it felt like a brunch kind of day. Instead of breakfast I made myself a hot cocoa. It’s something festive that I love but you can’t find it in the wild without a lifetime of added sugar. That is a bummer for me, my nervous system, my skin and anyone who might have to suffer my sugar high. I make a pretty stellar cup of cocoa so I thought I’d share the recipe and give you some reasons to up your cocoa intake this holiday season. Whether you are spending the day without family and feeling a touch disconnected or you are with them right now and they are making you cuckoo f*cking bananas - I want you to know a couple of things.. 1. I totally feel you and I think you’re doing a good job. 2. Chocolate helps. Before you feel tempted to reach for some egg nog or mulled wine - I’d like to remind you that alcohol is a known depressant and will likely cause you to say something shitty at dinner. Chocolate on the other hand has been found to boost serotonin levels due to its tryptophan content. Serotonin is the happiness hormone. It enables your brain and nervous system to communicate with each other. It also helps with sleeping, eating, and digestion - which comes in handy when there is gravy and toasted marshmallows on damn near everything. While we are talking about boosting things.. chocolate stimulates your immune system and we all need a little bit of that right now. That immune boost also improves your complexion and your oral hygiene (so long as your chocolate isn’t paired with a truck load of sugar). Chocolate is also a fantastic source of polyphenols - an antioxidant packed macronutrient found in plants that has been shown to help treat neurodegenerative diseases, diabetes, cardiovascular disease and even weight issues. If polyphenols sound familiar to you it’s probably because someone was trying to make a case for wine by saying something like ‘red wine is good for your heart. It’s got poly-blah-blah-nols’…. And that’s true. Wine does have a lot of polyphenols but it is also flammable, inflammatory and can cause you to forget words such as polyphenols. So, I’d say it cancels itself out. Do you want a cup of cocoa yet? Make extra for the fam if there around. It lowers your risk of stroke and can decrease your risk of cancer. It will have your chaotic family feeling calm and content plus everyone will think you’re a gem for bringing them a cup.

Here’s how I take mine.. I call it a Reality Check because the flavor profile is pure and direct since it is not railroaded by a bunch of processed sugar. The mint makes me feel clear, fresh and focused. And the chocolate.. it helps me feel calm and aware of how good life honestly is.

Reality Check Hot Cocoa
this recipe is for one since I am spending the holiday alone. Adjust as needed.

2 cups milk (sippers choice)
2 Sprigs of mint - pull the leaves off the stems
2 pitted medjool dates
1 1/2 Tbl of high quality cocoa powder
2 tsp maple syrup
1 Tbl coconut cream

Heat your milk on the stove (watch it so it doesn’t boil over) let the mint and dates steep in the milk for 5 minutes. Add the cocoa powder and maple syrup then blend all of it - dates and mint leaves too - with an immersion blender (or whatever gadget you use to blend things). Top it off with a dollop of coconut cream. Huzzah!