Christmas Eve

One more day at the shop until I get a little winter break. From solstice to solitude with a work rush in between. I have never worked retail during the holidays. Catering, yes. Restaurants and film sets - sure, but retail - not once. This year I told the folks at the herb bar that I would help on the floor when things got hairy and it was both a joy and at times a challenge. Because that’s how humans are. We are both things. Something about the holidays intensifies that contrast though. Over the last few days I’ve felt utter love from total strangers and I have been chewed out in record time by some people I would be fine with never seeing again. It was nice to be in a place with life to not take it personally. To know that that’s their shit. What a gift it is to be able to shrug off other peoples shit. In the past I would have let those people ruin my day and then drank a lot about how “people are the worst” when I got off of work. Making me no better than them. there is always going to be a Scrooge. No matter the season. Holiday or not. Our job is to make sure that we aren’t playing that role. While I was gathering some last minute orders I was listening to a podcast of some analysts looking at Dicken’s Christmas Carol through a Jungian lens. It was interesting and I learned a few things. First of all I think I might like to befriend some analysts. Secondly I learned that the definition of Humbug is lies. I was surprised I didn’t already know this but what an apt year to learn it’s meaning. It’s basically the Not So Happy Holidays way of saying Fake News. Anyway, I hope you are all feeling cozy and grateful wherever find yourself in this moment.

Day 349: Freezer waffle Sandwich with peanut butter, bananas, pecans, pumpkin seeds, crunchy quinoa, a drizzle of coconut cream and a dash of spirulina. Bloobs on the side. Spirulina is incredibly good for you. This isn’t a full serving by any means but tiny doses add up throughout the week. I use a lot of powdered supplements as garnishes on my food. In the winter especially because I am less like to make myself a smoothie which is how I would normally ingest these things. Try it. However I do not suggest spirulina on popcorn.. I tried it and was not thrilled. I’ll be sticking with my nutritional yeast.

Spirulina aka Blue-green algae has protein, B vitamins, Copper, Iron, Potassium, Manganese, Magnesium.. it’s an MVP in the land of nutrition. It has well earned the title of superfood and you can find it in nearly every grocery store.

Recalculated

Day 348: Oatmeal cooked in cinnamon & coconut milk with grapefruit, Greek yogurt, pumpkin seeds & crunchy quinoa.

What day is it?

Well.. in true 2020 fashion I lost track of what day it is. More than once. I thought I had about 40 more days to go of this year long parade of breakfast but that is incorrect. I took a little scroll down memory lane today and saw that I posted the first breakfast on January 9th - meaning I am 17 days out from wrapping this up. I will still be posting but I will no longer be logging my breakfast every day. Look forward to dinners, lunches, snacks and whatever the hell else I feel like.

Day 347: Roasted sweet potato, sautéed spinach, purple cabbage and mushrooms with a gently scrambled egg.

The stars align..

As Jupiter and Saturn were going conjunct in the sky I made some new friends. All my socializing has pretty much been one on one this year, I had nearly forgotten what it feels like to gather - and with people who aren’t my coworkers or neighbors no less. I quite liked it. My friend Jen created a gorgeous makeshift living room in her front yard. Complete with ample distanced seating, fire pit, an alcohol free bar and a record player. It was such a treat. I got to build a fire and that was so very satisfying. Everyone brought something to burn. A few people had written things down on scraps of paper that they wanted to let go of while others brought belongings that had negative memories attached to them and we threw them in to banish them forever and keep the fire going through out the evening. We drank tea, shared some Seedlip and had a few laughs too. It was so good to see everyone - even though I had never seen most of them before. When I started this 365 days of breakfast project I had no idea what was coming or that I would become as isolated as I have. I saw myself inviting large groups of friends over for brunch on the weekends or trying out every Eggs Benedict in Austin. Not in the cards. However, due to these options being off the table the way I eat has changed for the better. I can’t wait to see the depths of how it has changed the way I want to connect with others.

Day 328: a Solstice Sautee - sweet potato, celeriac, garlic, red cabbage, kale and mushrooms with a perfectly fried egg and some pumpkin seeds.

Nourishment

It comes in many forms (although rarely out of a box). I spent the morning in the sun catching up with a friend I made in early sobriety. We met at an AA meeting that never happened. The two of us were the only people who showed up so we left and got coffee. The rest is history. I didn’t really want to attend an AA meeting but I did want to make some new friends who didn’t drink and I got that. We both love Thai food, going to the pool and the PNW. She has shown up for my art shows, applauded me while I parallel parked, inspired me to become more physically fit over the years and today… instead of making myself a baller breakfast I needed to sit in the sun and have a laugh with her. It made me feel like $100. We all know that eating well is my message but that isn’t the end all be all of health. It looks like many things. Joy, a laugh, a safe place to land, emotional and financial stability, spiritual practice.. so many things. So I wanted to throw out some non-food related ways to nourish yourself.

• Connect - spend time with people who meet you in the middle and accept you for who you are. If they can make you laugh too that’s even better.

• Disconnect - pull away from relationships that wear you down or make you feel taxed, confused, tired, stuck or like you aren’t good enough. This may sound like a given but sometimes people (by people I am including myself) need a nudge or even permission to just let a relationship go. If you need it - you’ve got it. Delete, exit, walk away. Make room for the good stuff.

• Get Physical - exercise or play a game that gets your endorphins going. Fly a kite, have sex, ride your bike, dance until you are a little stinky. It’ll pump fresh oxygen through your whole system and make you feel alive.

• Sleep - shut down or break down as I like to say.

• Clean - regularly make your space feel amazazing. Clean it up, put everything where it is supposed to go and keep the things that make you happiest in view. Making your personal space beautiful and easy to navigate will do wonders for your mental state. It will save you time and keep you from experiencing the frustration of not being able to find what you need. That is not a feeling you want to have in your home. Take a second and I magine the subconscious implications of that.

Day 327: A decaf latte and a buckwheat almond financier out of a paper bag in the sun.

Our Body & Our Consciousness

“What we eat is very important. Tell me what you eat and I will tell you who you are. Tell me where you eat, and I will tell you who you are.
We are what we consume. If we look deeply into what and how much we consume every day, we’ll come to know our own nature very well. We have to eat, drink, and consume, but if we do it unmindfully, we may destroy our body and our consciousness.”
― Thich Nhat Hanh, How to Eat

Today it looks like I am eating Mr. Bill… “Oh no!”
I wonder what Thich Nhat Hanh would have to say about that. He is right though. We are what we consume. It goes beyond our food choices too. The music we listen to, the company we keep, the air we breathe, the books we read, the things we buy, the podcasts we listen to… you catch my drift. It all effects us. Physically, emotionally and energetically. Keep that in mind today and see what you notice.

Day 326: Ginger coconut rice with kimchi, sunflower sprouts, bloobs, braggs amino acids, Udo’s 3*6*9 oil and a soft boiled egg. I cooked the rice in coconut milk, a few slices of ginger and a little pink salt for flavor but also for comfort and extra nutrition. Ginger has such a unique flavor and it is great for soothing the gut, lowering inflammation, cutting cholesterol, fighting infections, boosting your brain function, making you feel warm from the inside out and maybe preventing cancer. Coconut milk adds some extra fat to the dish which we need for hormone production and brain proper function.

Another trip around the sun.

Yesterday was my 39th birthday and I got everything I wanted! I turned off my phone, took the day off from work, it rained, I felt loved and I got to spend the majority of the day wandering around the Blanton Art Museum. No party. No people. No party people. It was all very 2020. The show I saw was Expanding Abstraction - an exploration of how painting has evolved over time. The only way I could have enjoyed it more is if they had allowed me to bring my tea inside. A lot of really large wonderful pieces were in the show but the one I enjoyed the most really surprised me. I circled back around to it 3 or 4 times. I want to say it was nothing special but the scale and motion of it evoked this sense of surrender in me that I really enjoyed. I visited it a few times before I read the placard and found some synchronicity there. The title alone made me laugh, Tempesta. It is the Italian word for storm. I stood there thinking how in my life I have always seem to be drawn to the storm - being able to surrender to it is a new feeling. It also made me think of Temperance the movement, the definition of the word itself (to abstain from alcohol) and the tarot card. Which Temperance is the card that represents Sagittarius, my zodiac sign. All these little synchronicities made me feel like I was right where I was supposed to be. Funny enough the artist, Beverly Pepper, got disenchanted with this painting and took a few years to finish it. Apparently after a trip to Ankor Wat in Cambodia she felt that “it is utterly ridiculous to try to make waves with painting.” that it reaches too small an audience and may only wake a small group of people… and so she moved on to sculpture instead. I have done this. I have known that feeling before with the things I have put my energy into. Maybe not getting the response or finding the reach I had hoped for. The numbers may not matter though. It could be more about the the depth in which you effect even one person. It could change them, make them feel seen or beautifully insignificant. Or perhaps it could set them on a different course, solidify the one they are on or maybe just be the highlight of someone’s birthday. Either way, I’m glad she chose to finish Tempesta and I got to cross paths with it.

When I got home it started to drizzle snd when I opened the door I found that my friend Larissa had stopped by and left some presents on my kitchen table. Homemade pickles, incense, a gorgeous feather, flowers and a tiny chantilly cake with a single yellow candle sunk into the center. She is wonderful. In the land of cakes - Chantilly is Queen. It is exactly what I would have picked for myself. Thinking it would be a cake-less birthday I had already made myself pancakes but there are no rules that say you can not begin and end your birthday with cake…

Day 325: Brown butter and banana pancakes with more bananas, blueberries, pecans and a little maple syrup.

Day 324: Roasted sweet potato with a little Greek yogurt, bacon, sautéed carrots, garlic and kale. Garnished with pumpkin seeds and blueberries.

IF I ever had a diner or a little breakfast spot - I would put this on the menu. I might veganize it and with some cashew yogurt and swap the bacon for some marinated mushrooms. Either way, it was just so good.

I don’t know who needs to hear this today but..

Long ago when I was first trying to get sober I made a playlist of poppy breakup songs for alcohol, bars and the lifestyle I had become stuck in. It’s a bit more top 40 than I generally lean but it was empowering, highly effective and fun to dance/work out to. Give it a spin and let me know if there is a track I should add.

Day 323: Savory oats with pan seared butternut squash, Bunapi mushrooms, garlic, scallions, kale and a soft boiled egg. I cooked the oats in my leftover turmeric broth and this is now my new favorite thing.

You are enough.

There’s been a lot of talk about the influencer campaign that Tropicana put together featuring a bunch of moms hiding in their closets from their kids - drinking mimosas. This kind of marketing is mindless, dangerous and furthers a bunch of narratives that hurt women and their children. As I read through the comments there were so many women who were thrilled by it though. They thought it was hilarious and seemed to feel seen, understood and even validated by watching some very rich and privileged women secretly drinking to manage their stress levels. It made me sad. I am not a mom but I did nanny for a long time and.. I totally get it. I have hidden from children. Honestly I believe that is how the game hide and seek was created. Once upon a time someone just needed a minute and they didn’t want to scream “get the hell away from me!” at an innocent child and thus the counting down from 100 began. Reading these comments though.. I realized how many of us don’t honestly know what self care is and too many large corporations are right there to profit from that. Painting a pretty picture that looks like us all consuming a lot of things to feel better - suggesting we will never feel good enough without their products. Keeping us all reaching outside of ourselves for a solution. Keeping us all believing that it isn’t ok just to feel something. The companies themselves are victims of this too. Their profit margins must keep growing or they will disappoint their shareholders. It’s an unsustainable vicious cycle.. remind you of anything?

I’m ranting today but hear this - you are enough. You hold the solutions. You have what it takes to manage your mood, your mindset and your actions. If you are in a place right now where that feels untrue - I get that - but you can learn and grow into someone who knows that to be the truth. No one needs to be hiding away anymore. There is an ever growing community waiting for you.

Day 321: Hash with russets, kohlrabi, cabbage, purple carrots, scallions, oregano, parsley, a drizzle of yogurt, a squeeze of lemon, some pumpkin seeds and smoked salmon. This meal was grounding, nourishing and delicious. Lots of omega’s, iron, magnesium, protein, warmth and comfort. Plus it only dirtied one pan. This is self care. Anyone can do this.

What is new and good?

A new week and time for another round of what is new and good! Well today is a new moon and we have a solar eclipse (although it isn’t visible in these parts). I personally enjoy a new moon more than a full moon. The night is extra dark, you can see more stars and I feel like I always sleep really well. New moons are a good time to set intentions, start new projects, pick up new habits. Every month on the new moon I spend some time cleaning the house and my car. Once everything just the way I like it I smudge the house with some Sage, verifier, sweet grass or Palo santo to clear the energy. Then I spend some time thinking about what is ahead. The ways I want to grow in the coming weeks, the things and opportunity I want to see show up in my life and I imagine what it will feel like when they do. I usually journal all of this and I leave my door open while I do - to symbolically invite them in. May seem superstitious or woo-y but I’m like that. I feel it makes life more fun. This new moon is in Sagittarius which is my sign. I am feeling pretty open to the possibilities right now. Do you pay attention to the cycles of the moon?

Day 321: Yogurt with a coconut cream, turmeric and date sauce (a recipe I am testing to share here) a bit-o-banana, pumpkin seeds, pecans and pomegranate.

Fine.

A major pet peeve of mine is when you ask someone how they are and they say “Fine.” It is dismissive - to you and themselves. In one syllable it shuts the door and takes connection off the table. There’s an acronym for it that I am sure you have heard before.

Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional.

As a person who spent a lot of their time on this planet being totally fine, I can tell you that acronym is dead on. Recently when I got this response from a friend who was clearly on the verge of tears - my heart just slumped down in my chest. For her and for all the times I have let this word leave my mouth as a full stop, bold-faced lie. Later that night I was thinking about the distance this word brings and how unfortunate that is because it is so easy to use it. I thought it would be cool if I could change the definition. It’s all in how you use it, right? In the 90’s the person you were crushing on was fine. If you dig out the Webster’s the first meaning is “of high quality.” This is not the most common use of course and inflection forever changes everything. Out of desire to quit using this word in a dismissive and dishonest manner I started futzing around with the acronym and put together some options to redefine it for yourself or create a more mindful place for it in the universal mind.

F - Free, Fortunate, Fabulous, Focused, Forgiving
I - Independent, Inspired, Invincible, Insightful, Influential
N- Nourished, Nurtured, Natural, Not allowing yourself to be effected by other people’s shit
E - Empowered, Engaged, Energetic, Effective, Empathetic, Entertained.

Today I am personally feeling Fortunate, Inspired, Nourished and Effective. How are you?

Day 320: Deep green detox broth on a cold grey day.. turmeric broth heated up with loads of garlic and kale. Blended, strained and brightened up with some lemon. Topped off with a little Udo’s 3*6*9 oil. Mega comforting. I could feel my body waking up as I drank it. Like one of those time lapse videos of forsaken house plants perking up after a good watering. Amazing.

Day 319: Leftover baked butternut squash with loads of garlic and Parmesan, some spinach from Eden East scrambled with an egg, a piece of porridge foccacia from Hello Bread, side of apples, garnished with pumpkin seeds.

Ritual

A big part of addiction is ritual. The happy hour and the nightcap. The uncorking of a wine bottle. The salt, tequila, lime. Crushing an empty beer can. Flipping a cigarette in a new box of smokes because it’s “lucky”.. These little acts serve to reassure us and create stability. To bridge the past and the present. To give us sacred moments in the mundanity of our day to day. Applied to the wrong stuff and these sacred moments can hurt us. Over time we unconsciously glorify hurting ourselves and then I t becomes part of who we are. These rituals can be so hard to let go of as there is a romance to them. The memories of them play out in our mind like a soft porn, rosy, dream sequence with perfect lighting - without the reality of consequence. In recovery it can haunt us though. Especially if we do not take the time to craft new rituals. For me personally, when it gets cold I get nostalgic about an evening cigarette outside, with a book and a glass of red wine in the dark brisk air. When I got curious about the desire I found I liked the coziness between the contrast of warm and cool sensations. Because I am forever a person who wants it both ways, apparently. So I started drawing nightly baths with a dose of magnesium. I read in the tub and then finish with a cool shower - for contrast, to have it both ways. The magnesium is not only great for my skin but it makes my muscles feel amazazing and soothes my nervous system, bringing the day to a close… it gets bonus points for creating zero headaches and not making me smell like an ashtray.

I mentions magnesium quite a bit because it is imperative to a healthy functioning body. Most of it lives in our bones but it is found in every cel of our being and having a magnesium deficiency (which 50% of Americans are believed to be lacking) can really leave our bodies and minds limping.
Over imbibing on the reg and the poor diet that comes with it often leads to magnesium deficiency. This is why chronic alcoholics often end up with osteoporosis. It also causes high blood pressure, arrhythmia, anxiety, apathy, depression, muscle twitches, cramps and over all fatigue. So.. bathe in it and get it on to your plate. Some of my favorite sources include:

• Dark chocolate

• Pumpkin seeds

• Quinoa

• Avocado

• Spinach

• Cashews

• Almonds

• BATHS - Magnesium bath flakes are made from magnesium chloride which is different than Epsom salts. They contain magnesium sulfate. Although both are a form of magnesium, magnesium chloride is much better suited for topical application. Magnesium chloride is the best choice because of its clinical and pharmacological effects, and its lower tissue toxicity as compared to magnesium sulfate. Magnesium chloride is more easily assimilated, and therefore more bioavailable or absorbed and utilized by the body.

Day 318: baked sweet potato with kimchi, avocado, sunflower sprouts, a soft boiled egg and some bloobs.

Day 317: Freezer banana waffles with yogurt, peanut butter, pumpkin seeds and pomegranate

Notes from the fridge

My fridge and I spend a lot of time together - as you may have gathered. I go to the fridge to get nourished. To feel full and abundant - so it’s a good place to leave myself little notes and bits of inspiration. Seeing them regularly helps them soak in and… it gives me an excuse to collect refrigerator magnets. So I am going to start posting them here as I switch them out.

Day 316: Brown rice steeped with ginger and garlic, broccoli, kimchi and a 6 minute egg with a dash of brags amino acids and a little Udo’s 3*6*9 omega oil.

Do you hate it?

Day 315: Sautéed sweet potatoes, kale, purple cabbage, scallions & apples with a little Parmesan + a soft boiled egg.

I have a friend who was asking me how I could stand to cook every single day. She said that she just hates cooking - can not get into it. It is meditative for me. A science experiment at times but always grounding. I feel her though. I have not always loved being in the kitchen and even now - sometimes it’s the last place I want to be. When cooking was new to me it stressed me out. When I was depressed making a meal for myself felt like a waste of time. Then to make matters worse it resulted in dishes that needed to be done.. and I really dislike doing dishes. Life is funny though. When we do the thing we don’t want to / like to do and experience the benefits of doing it.. the original issue often fades away. Cooking more often makes you a better cook so you become less stressed about doing it. Feeding yourself a healthy meal (and getting off the floor to do so) helps relieve your depression - through action AND nourishment. Doing the dishes afterward, as mundane as that might seem, can make you feel like bad ass. Unless.. you are thinking “I hate this” through out the entire endeavor. If you find yourself hating things - that’s an opportunity to get to get curious. Maybe you don’t hate doing dishes.. maybe your back just hurts because you stood all day in the wrong shoes. Maybe you don’t hate working out.. maybe it’s just uncomfortable or someone told you that you aren’t athletic.. anybody else’s shamed by a gym teacher in grade school? Maybe you aren’t bad at math, maybe someone just never explained it to you in a way that you could connect with. And yeah, maybe you don’t hate cooking - maybe you’ve tried complicated recipes and failed or perhaps you have a shitty knife (that’ll do it) or you don’t ask for help. Clearly I would be endlessly stoked for more people to find the value and joy that can come from cooking but mostly I just want us all to remain open and curious about the things we tell ourselves,

What was the last thing you said you hated? Tell me in the comments below and then get curious about it.

What is new and good?

Costes - a Michelin-starred Hungarian restaurant in Budapest - is now serving dinner on the city’s Ferris wheel to meet social distancing requirements and keep their restaurant alive. They aren’t alone. This is trending! Many cities are repurposing the wheel these days. From Singapore to Shanghai and I hear San Diego just okayed plans to build their own observation/dining wheel. In Hong Kong they are allowing remote workers to rent out spots on their ferris wheel so they can get out of the house and work with a view. I love this and I wanted to share it with all of you to remind us to be playful and creative when it comes to solving the problems we face. To remain open and look in unlikely places for solutions. It could have magical results.

Happy Monday Everybody!

Day 314: Steel cut oats, grapefruit, bloobs, pomegranate, pecans, pumpkin seeds, pistachios and yogurt.

I want you to meet someone..

It froze recently and all my plants had to come in. Including this pathos that has been climbing the wall outside my front door for years now. This is Ridel, my early sobriety buddy. When I first quit drinking I took the path of isolation. It is not for everybody but I needed the hush of solitude to recover and redirect. I took the cue from our modern world. When something is not working for you, what do you do? You unplug it, wait and restart. I cooked for myself, watched movies, mastered the art of napping and read a lot. From self help to comic books, autobiographies and even the liner notes of my LP’s. Taking in other people’s words feeling as if they were all written just for me. Around this time I found myself talking (and occasionally reading out loud) to Ridel a lot. He was the only other living thing around and he was struggling too. Turning yellow and dropping leaves as quickly as I was going grey. My mother gifted me this plant years ago. It was one of many that I received from her - with it a ton of anxiety. Saying “oh you shouldn’t have..” and fully meaning it. I may have gotten her cheek bones but I did not believe myself to be blessed with her green thumbs. It is honestly a miracle that Ridel survived my early 30’s. A time I spent truly heart broken, dragging myself from bed to work, from work to the bar and back to bed again. I blacked out a lot, falling asleep often fully dress, shoes and makeup on to complete the look. I routinely skipped breakfast, unless coffee and ibuprofen count. I certainly was not remembering to water my singular house plant with any regularity. I myself spent the days behind moody UV resistant sunglasses. Hungover and hissing at the sun, surviving on caffeine, wondering when my life was going to turn the fuck around. By the time I hit 35 Ridel and I were both chronically dehydrated and vitamin D deficient. 

After I quit drinking and began spending more time at home talking to my potted companion, the more I noticed that honestly, he was looking pretty shitty. Yes, Ridel had managed to survive under my mediocre and utterly superficial care, but had failed to thrive. A common theme in my life at the time. Out of guilt I picked up some plant food and found it a better spot for him by the window, remembering to open the blinds each day when I got out of bed. I started sitting by the window with Ridel in the morning. I would sip my coffee and together we gazed out the across the yard, giggling as we spied on the neighbors across the way who were very committed to their Nintendo Wii workout.* After a week or so of direct sunshine and regular H2O Ridel’s leaves started looking glossy like the pages of National Geographic. After a month it had grown so much that I needed to repot it. I flattered myself thinking that my company had something to do with it too. Because Ridel was doing something for me. Watching his progress was restoring my confidence in being able to take care of something. It was showing me that you can turn things around. Transform, even. He gave me hope.

Ridel has kept me aware of how far I have come in when I lose perspective or start shit talking myself. We have grown so much together over the years. I have not gotten any taller (which would have been cool) but he has grown into a total beast (at roughly 17 feet long) and I truly love the person looking back at me in the mirror.

*I want it to be known that I no longer spy on the neighbors. Turns out watching others exercise will provide you with exactly zero of the benefits one gets from doing actual exercise, unfortunately. In the end they inspired me to get into a routine of my own.

Day 313: Almond buckwheat muffin with yogurt, pomegranate and bloobs.

Zinc

Day 312: Waffles.. made with yogurt, chunks of bananas and a fair shake of cinnamon. Warm and crispy, ooey gooey but not exactly where I want them to be just yet. I’ll make them again soon and post a recipe. Topped with maple syrup, pecans, pumpkin seeds and bloobs. But you could put anything on them. I have been eating a lot of pumpkin seeds because well, they fit the season AND they are an inexpensive source of zinc, magnesium, fiber and protein. You have no doubt been hearing about the benefits of zinc in the news. Keep some around and put them on your salads, garnish your soup, waffles, oatmeal.. put them in your PB & J sandwiches, make pumpkin seed brittle, or use them to make a nut cheese… which has a regrettable name but is delicious none the less.