I ran into a neighbor this morning on my way out the door and in wrapping up our conversation so I could get to work I said “I gotta get to the bar.” Deja vu… The sentence felt odd coming out of my mouth. Simply because I rarely need to be anywhere other than home and the last place I would rush off to is the bar. It was true though. A few days a week I work at The Herb Bar, a medicinal herb shop in south Austin. We have over 100 herbs, all things metaphysical, house made synergies and tons of reference material. It’s a healing space and I am grateful to be a part of it. Once upon a time though I worked as a bartender in a little beer and shots dive that had a totally different vibe. A wall of tequilas, lots of local IPA’s on tap and a pretty rad jukebox box, though it mostly played sad songs. It was aptly named The Hard Luck. My memory from that time is blurry at best. I do recall being pretty jaded, very drunk, often mean and surely hangry. I drank my meals back then. Weirdly enough the meaner I was the more money I made. I did not need the encouragement. I became known for being sharp, cutting, dry, scathing even. My boss regularly joked that he was going to publish a coffee table book called “The shit that Bonnie says”.. I am happy to report that this never came to be. We can all take on a little bit of a persona at work. I mean, that’s what office casual is, right? An act? Unfortunately my work demeanor started to become less of an act and more my constant state of being. Notice I did not say well-being.. My drinking really ramped up while I was there. I found it nearly impossible to work my shifts without drinking. I could not small talk with customers when I wasn’t a bit tipsy and it was that kind of place. Cozy, lots of regulars. Lots of chit chat. I remember one night a customer was bending my ear and in realizing that he wasn’t leaving anytime soon I poured myself a drink. He commented on it, negatively and I said with a smile “why don’t you just pretend I am not here, that’s what I am doing.” Ouch. He laughed so hard and kept that barstool warm until last call. I also remember thinking that a lot of the people I served (and cut off) needed to lay off the sauce. Hilariously hypocritical of me in retrospect. Being as introverted as I am I would have to be drunk to think working in a bar would suit me. During the busier shifts I drank to manage my social anxiety. Although I was not self aware enough at the time to know that is what was happening. That perspective would come through later. I drank when I wasn’t working to manage the depression that came from working at night, being hungover during the day and never really seeing the sun. I drank to connect with people and to soothe a broken heart. The drinking only further ensured both. Turns out that you can meet an endless number of emotionally unavailable men at the bar. Stunning, I know.. However I learned through my time with them that I was also emotionally unavailable. I just wore it a little differently. Connecting is tricky when you need to be drunk to be vulnerable. Looking back the worst thing about this time is seeing how hurt I truly was and how I was attempting to play it off as though I just liked to party. Abandoning myself. Avoiding the work it takes to heal. None of that goes down at the Herb Bar. People come in looking to actively cure whatever ails them. Whether they are struggling physically, emotionally or spiritually. In the old bar I helped people avoid their healing journey. At the herb bar I get to be part of the support system that helps them find their way. It is a gift to be around such vulnerability and self awareness. Being there keeps me aware of the importance of my own path and reminds me that we truly are the company we keep.

Day 241: Sautéed red cabbage, spinach, kale, scallions, shiitakes and cherry tomatoes with a little lemon, sunflower and pumpkin seeds with an egg on top, quinoa and bloobs on the side. It’s nice to get your greens in first thing. I need the iron and there is a good amount of it on this plate between the greens, the seeds and the quinoa. Adding lemon helps your body absorb it. Iron helps in the process of carrying oxygen from the lungs to the rest of your body. It also has a hand in hormone production, which is often out of whack when we have been over imbibing and can take some time to regulate. A hormone imbalance can show up as weight gain, weight loss, fatigue, dry skin, puffy face, constipation or the opposite, thinning or fine brittle hair, low libido, sweating, blurred vision, irregular periods… basically hormones can throw off everything. Other awesome sources of iron include: chickpeas, dark chocolate, broccoli, cashews, shellfish and red meat.