I have been in my head a lot lately. More so than normal. Tomorrow I am attending a memorial service for a friend who passed back in June. There was no public service at the time due to the pandemic. While I have never thought of myself as particularly traditional, I am ritualistic and paying my respects with others who knew him feels particularly important right now. It wasn’t Covid. I am actually still uncertain of how he died. I believe it was overdose or suicide. He went back out after 8 years of sobriety and it just took him. Quick too. Maybe 6 months. I think back over our conversations during quarantine and I knew he was having a rough go of it. His voice often scared me but I truly believed he would find his way out. I had offered to get him into rehab or to help find him a therapist but it never came to be. I say all of this in hopes that anyone who hears this knows that there is someone out there who is rooting for you. Someone that wants to help. You are never really alone and things honestly can get better. You can get sober. You can get out of the toxic relationship or the debt or your head or that job, whatever feels overwhelming can change. Reach out. Hell, hit me up. I may not have all the answers but I have ears and I care.
I took a walk this morning to soak up some sunlight and feel my feels. Watching the leaves fall and walking into the wind made me grateful to be here, to be anywhere. Grateful to have the ability to sit (or walk) with my feelings rather than abandon them like I have in the past. On the way back to the house I saw so many pecans. They were all over the ground. I gathered up what I could carry. They reminded me that each season comes with its own gift. That the world really is abundant. It’s just a matter of what you are available to see.
Day 262: Oatmeal with loads of cinnamon, topped off with yogurt, blueberry & pomegranate compote, cacao nibs and pecans. So grounding. I didn’t want a ton of sugar in the compote so I sweetened it with a tablespoon of coconut sugar and a table spoon of maple syrup. It worked out well. Although I am going to make another batch and tweak it a bit.