Yesterday was heavy. When we walked into the church his mother immediately approached us to ask if we were her sons friends. She had his eyes and it broke my heart. The service was a traditional catholic mass, the first I have ever attended. It wasn’t reflective of my friend at all but it did appear to comfort his family. Funerals are for the living, right? That’s what I kept telling myself anyway.. hymn after hymn. Much of what the priest had to say didn’t land with me but towards the end he was talking about the after life and what one takes with them as they go into it. That moving on you no longer need have a need for faith or hope but the love you shared stays with you. That felt like a message I could walk out of there with and feel good about. I was grateful to be there with some of his friends and to meet a few more. We stood in the parking lot afterward and shared some stories. I saw that he was less alone than I previously believed and I got a chance to further accept that there wasn’t much more that I could have done while he was still here. I have been struggling with that. Replaying things in my mind, moving the pieces around to see if there could have been a different outcome. Just to torture myself. As we climbed in the car I was grateful. Grateful to connect with more of his friends. Grateful for the stories and to hear I wasn’t alone in my feelings about the service. Over dinner we discussed reincarnation a little bit. Whether it is a reality or not may never be consciously known but it is comforting and fun to think about. I like the idea that we will all know each other again just as we have before. That there is another opportunity to learn, connect and live a life you love. The loss of Patrick is hard to accept but it has made me feel more called to do the work I have set out to do. To help people recover and come back to themselves. And well, we are all recovering from something.

Day 264: Hot Salad (yams, bell peppers, broccoli rabe, carrots, squash and garlic) with poached eggs and fancy, bubbly blueberry shrubs. I got to wake up and make breakfast with friends for the first time in ages. I have missed this. I taught them how to poach eggs, we listened to Billy Holiday and it was just really good for my heart. Feeling truly grateful to be in such good company. AND it’s really great to be around their pets.. note to self: get a damn pet already.