I was thinking today, as I flipped and fried several dozen eggs, about happiness. Defined as a state of happy, feeling or showing pleasure or contentment. Simple enough at times, not so much at others. Right? But it’s like this thing. Gotta be happy. Me and happy have had a strange relationship over the years. From official to superficial and everything in between. Sometimes I believe I think too much to ever be fully happy.. but then I can’t help but see a thought like that as some form of self sabotage. I mean, hell, I am happy that I can think! That I have things to think about! I have though, in the past, gone the distance to sabotage my own happiness. Leaning in to my excuses instead of affirmations.. suddenly skipping my work out routine just as I start seeing results.. dating clearly unavailable people.. that time I got hammered the night before a job interview.. getting hammered at any point.. buying stuff I don’t need rather than putting money in my savings account.. classic sabotage moves. I am getting better at getting out of my own way though. I recognize these behaviors for what they are and I don’t beat myself up for thinking about going there. Instead I reflect and think it through. Just like in early sobriety. If I wanted to go hang out at the bar and drink my face off I would play it out.. once I got to the hangover and empty wallet part of the story I was no longer interested. Now I set goals and tell myself that I can do it. That I can do anything as long as I do not try to do everything. My therapist told me that we self sabotage because on some level we believe we do not deserve to be happy. That it is an issue of self worth. I used to get so pissed off any time he would bring up self worth. I was offended at the insinuation. He was right though. At that point I didn’t feel worthy of much. Not even “feeling or showing pleasure or contentment”. But today I thought what if it is also a matter of mortality? We know we are going to die and to be fully happy would make it that much more heart breaking when it was time to leave. It’s kind of sweet to think about. It made me realize that I have always viewed death as “The Big Relief”. Maybe that is because of the people I have known who have died and the suffering that led up to it. Or maybe dragging mortality into it is just a sneaky way to continue on with my self sabotage. I can just hear my teenage self, “What does it matter? We’re all gonna die anyway.” I was such a ray of sunshine. I don’t really know where I am going with this.. it has been a long day and I am just sort of wandering around in old beliefs I am excited to rewrite. Thoughts? Are you happy? Or are you a fellow saboteur?

Day 198: Rice cake with almond butter, coconut cream, peaches, cherries and pumpkin seeds. It made me pretty flipping happy. I didn’t want an egg after cooking so many. Go figure.