There have been some issues lately at home with someone trespassing on my property. All is well, my neighbors are on it but.. While defending my physical boundaries I got to thinking about my journey with personal boundaries. When it comes to creating and maintaining healthy boundaries I was late to the game.. I didn’t even recognize them as something that needed my attention until my mid thirties. Better late than never, right? Therapy is where I learned that my lack of boundaries was the source for let’s say, 90% of my problems. Drinking helped me live in this land without borders. After I sobered up, drawing a line in the sand with alcohol, I started to see how boundaries were not at all what I originally thought them to be. Hearing the word “boundaries” had made me think guarded, shut off, mean, selfish, not fun, complicated and ultimately… unloveable. Crushing, right? It is unreal all the ways I have believed myself to be unloveable in this life! In sobriety I could finally see that my boundaries had always been set too far out, allowing all kinds of bullshit to wander in or they were set too close. Meaning that the instant someone crossed that boundary they were walking all over me. There was no time to fire off a warning. I needed to go all Goldilocks on my boundaries and find out what was just right. This perspective shift came from an unlikely source, Richard Brautigan. One of my favorite poets and well, alcoholics. This poem titled after the first line, brought me to tears by how succinctly it summed up my boundary issues and failing relationship with myself:
For fear you will be alone
you do so many things
that aren't you at all.
So many things.. I wrote it on my bathroom mirror and it stayed there for a year. The phrase “Boundaries are…” started popping up in my mind with vulnerable little illustrations and comforting captions like the old “Love is…” comic from the back pages of the Sunday paper. Ironic that I would connect these two things seeing as I had grown up believing that love has no boundaries. But “boundaries are..“ where it begins. Boundaries are where we meet each other. Boundaries are where we teach people how to treat us. If you are still with me let’s look at 10 signs that you need to set better boundaries for yourself.
Your relationships are a mess. We are starting with relationships because they mirror our issues back to us. So.. things may go hot and cold. Your partners (or you) are controlling and secretive. There is an overall lack of reciprocity in your connections.
You are forever worried that you are (or will be) letting other people down. You say yes when you mean no. This is people pleasing and it is the gd worst for everyone involved but, mostly for the people pleasers themselves.
You are made of anxiety.
You are indecisive. All that saying yes when you mean no and going along with what other people want disconnects us from ourselves. We go blank or end up weighing the options forever when faced with a decision because we are lost when it comes to what we do or do not want.
You are annoyed easily and often. Going against your own values and not getting your needs met will have that effect.
You aren’t saying it but you feel that no one truly respects you. Without boundaries no one knows how to treat you. You are in the land of “anything goes” which is all fun and games until someone gets hurt.
You feel like the victim. Without boundaries you will often feel taken advantage of. In your relationships, at work and with your family.
You are passive aggressive. I know this one well. People pleasing is disempowering. We will indirectly express our anger by becoming naggy and manipulative as we try to regain the power we basically gave away.
You are afraid you will be abandoned. (see Brautigan poem above..)
You are always exhausted.. and that’s fair. Looking at the list above, how could you not be?
Long story short.. ha! Boundaries are awesome. If you don’t have any, get some. They are so in. I kid. Honestly though, exploring them has been a real challenge for me but exercising them is so very gratifying.
Day 219: Greek yogurt, cantaloupe, bloobs, kiwi, almonds, sunflower, pumpkin and chia seeds hemp hearts, mint, basil + honey and Udo’s 3*6*9 oil