Today my energy is all over the place. I feel off, ungrounded, distracted and frustrated. Plus there is this shitty voice in the back of my head telling me that whatever I do end up pulling off today will not be enough. Leaving me to wonder “who let that bitch in here?” When I woke up my mind was just instantly going... so I am having to slow things down and breathe. See, the thing is that there is a part of me that wants so badly to show up every day, everywhere as this all knowing, fully chill, enlightened being .. but that is not what I have going on all the time. I am not a monk zenning out on a mountain top or Gwyneth Paltrow’s herbally steamed vagina… sometimes I am Kathy from the funny pages and Gary Busey’s bad hair day. Which is ok. These are things I have learned to accept.
Although some days I simply do not want to..
Once upon a time, in a conversation long ago… A friend was coming out of her immaculately organized closet as a perfectionist. I listened as she told me all the ways she struggled with this and the ways she tried to see it (and sell it) as a strength. Everything she said sounded perfectly exhausting. As I did my best to provide an ear and offer my support I realized that I too was exhausted from the same kind of thoughts and behaviors. Shocking. I had never seen myself as a perfectionist before that moment and it was completely disorienting. Since this realization I have done my best to keep an eye on it but sometimes it creeps up on me. Knowing that perfectionism is a trauma response helps me handle its arrival with care. So here I sit with my oatmeal.. getting grounded, challenging my inner critic, comforting my inner child and reminding myself that no matter what I am, it is enough.
Day 221: Golden mylk oatmeal with coconut cream, bloobs, strawberries, walnuts, peanuts, cacao nibs, Udo’s 3*6*9 oil and a little honey.