I got up early and rode my bike down to the farm. I walked the grounds and watched the chickens and the bees do their thing as I let the past week settle down in my mind. I needed to be outside. To see things growing, thriving.. It was a hectic week and starting it off at the rehab kicked up a bunch of old stuff for me. Ancient stuff. I walked in pretty stoked to be back in the saddle and feeling on point. Ready to cook and connect. Many of the people I had worked with in the past were still there and were a little of blown away to see me in the kitchen again. I got a really warm welcome but there was a somber mood in the house. I mean, right, it’s rehab not Disneyland but the vibe was heavier than normal. Then someone informed me that an old coworker of ours had relapsed and overdosed the night before and she died. My heart sank into my guts. I hate that this feeling is familiar. I hate that this kind of news doesn’t surprise me anymore. It just hurts and hurts. There’s a warm little shrine in my mind for all the amazing people that I have known who have died this way. It’s heartbreaking. She was only 28, her daughter is 9 years old. I wasn’t close with her and did not know her well but it was easy to see the loving effect she had on the clients and staff at the rehab. I have no clue what was happening in her personal life but I do know that with the stress of things happening at large in our world right now relapse is on the rise. I talked with the rehab director about how things have been since the pandemic hit and he brought up the closing of the borders. Once that happened less drugs were coming in which sounds like good news but actually means more things being cut with fentanyl and benzos. A combo that will literally take your breath away. More dangerous street drugs means more overdoses. It is an utter tragedy. One that has replayed throughout my life. This is a loss that keeps coming. It is also what inspires me to keep doing what I am doing. Staying sober and attempting to be an example for those who want to be. If you know someone who is struggling (and you most like do) reach out to them. If you are struggling let someone know. No shame. Like we always say “Addiction is the opposite of Connection.” It is a phrase posted on nearly every sobriety social media feed because it is true. Sometimes I feel like sobriety culture can appear to be all about the “glow up” but for a lot of people it is a life and death situation. This week was a painful reminder.
It took me a while to post anything about the past week. It brought up a lot of old grief for me. Some that I never really sat with. It all started to work it’s way out when I sat down to write this weekend… and that is why there were no posts. Im not sure what all that writing will turn into.. maybe a book. Once I get a little further with it I will post excerpts in Rants as I want to focus more on nutrition here. For now, I am just glad to be here and I am grateful that you are too.
Day 230: Farm fresh arugula and watermelon salad with store bought bloobs, hemp hearts, sunflower and pumpkin seeds + Texas french bread croissant with kale pesto.