Bitter Sweet

This morning I woke up at home for the first time in a few weeks. Through the window there were no twinkling constellations, rather the very blunt security light from the ass side of the taco shop. The winds howling over the plains replaced by the wailing horn of the early morning train. But damn, I had forgotten how much I love my bed. I did not want to get out of it. Hunger eventually became my motivation. The only thing at the house to eat was smoked licorice, pickled cauliflower, many mustards and some potatoes that sprouted while I was away. Luckily, Saturdays are farm days. Outside of Eden East I ran into Randall Holt (local cellist and chef) who had been up late prepping for Oyster Fest. We talked about breakfast and food processors, mercury retrograde and the Herb Bar. He also told me Boggy Creek had some killer red butter lettuce... As you can see below it really is a god damn stunner. Anyhow, I started missing the ranch before the gate closed behind me but.. running into talented / A+ humans like Randall and the ladies at the farm, grabbing coffee from Fleet and snagging some flowers out of the yard has me feeling pretty good about being home. I am so grateful for this little corner of the world, the rad people I get to share it with and this hand sized cookie that I will keep all to myself.

Day 50: One giant chocolate chip cookie (thank you Sour Duck) + oat milk latte.. This cookie was giving me puppy dog eyes and really wanted to come home with me. How could I say no? Healthy meals resume tomorrow.

What’s left of it..

I decided that I would rather spend my free time wandering around the mountain than making myself breakfast so I just picked at the leftovers of this fruit tray. Piorities. My time here is coming to a close. I want to hang on to what’s left of it. Soon this trip will only live on in undeveloped film, expired IG stories and my faulty memory. Fingers crossed I find my way back here again one day.

Day 49: Mostly pineapple and bloobs

Oh! I successfully juggled oranges in the kitchen this morning! Of course there were no witnesses. Which may be the secret to my success.

Stoked!

I am feeling exceptionally grateful today. No particular reason, really. I am just happy to be up in the mountains. Stunned by the amazing opportunities I’ve had in this life of mine. Grateful for everything I’ve seen. Everything I’ve learned. Everything I’ve felt. I don’t want to gush too much. It’s just a great day for no reason whatsoever. I hope you are feeling it too. I hope you are all kinds of over the moon and feeling yourselves and being extra and whistling while you work and winking at yourselves in the mirror.

Day 48: Bullseye egg with juice from the kimchi jar + fruit.

Fire, nice ghosts and pro wrestlers

We sat by the fire last night and talked about how haunted this place is. How everything in here whispers to you. We told stories about things we had heard. Times we’ve been woken up in the night certain of something on the other side of the door. The dudes sipped whiskey with Dr. Pepper and threw logs on the fire while I had some chamomile and saged the southern wing of the house. They think I’m silly. The feeling is often mutual. However after all that talk of many things going bump in the night around here, things got very quiet. Not a creek, pop, bang or squeak all night long. As if the energies that be decided to give us a break. When I woke up Ophiuchus was in the window again. I laid there, wondering what the people who named this constellation saw. I see him as Jake “The Snake” … it’s fun to imagine him wrestling Perseus, Orion or Hercules. Splashing around in the stars, taming Hydra. Who would you like to see go head to head with Jake “The Snake” Roberts?

The mountains were covered in ice when I rolled out of bed. I brewed extra coffee and threw another log on the fire.

Day 47: Asparagus and swiss frittata with green onions, another perfect pear and potatoes that got too cold to eat.

3AM

I woke up at three. The wind howling through the windows and knocking at the doors. A cold front making a very loud entrance. The sky was crystal clear and framed perfectly in the window was Ophiuchus. With Mars dead center. I couldn’t go back to sleep so I watched it drift through the frame until my alarm went off. I saw two shooting stars but only made one wish. Today the temp will drop to 17.. I might get that snow after all.

Day 46: Pain perdu biscuit, over scrambled eggs, hash & a really fantastic pear..

P.S. I discovered IG filters… huzzah!

Take care now..

My job is mostly seeing to other people’s needs. What do they want. What do they need. What would they like.. versus what is better for them. Then there’s cleaning up after them. The glamorous life of a cook. It’s hard sometimes to step out of this mindset/role when I’m off the clock. BUT I am getting better at it. Like Seinfeld said “take care now.. because I will not be taking care of you”. I am reminded that there is a difference between caregiving and caretaking. That empathy and sympathy are natural but putting others ahead of myself is not. That maybe, hiding underneath all the off the clock caretaking there are some control issues.. as a way to soothe my own anxiety. Maybe (totally) I think I know best. It’s an interesting thing to both doubt yourself and think you know better than anyone else. I’ve never really been one to pick sides.. anyhow, I digress. Take care now!

Day 46: Hash + fried egg & kimchi with bloobs.

People are (mostly) amazazing

I had so many people reach out to me about my post yesterday. It was incredible. Hearing how it resonated with others really made me feel.. warm and loved. In short, y’all are amazazing. The people in the hotel room next to me.. well, they kept me awake all night. Offering me the opportunity to exercise patience, empathy and forgiveness. I really tried. I want to be amazazing too! I am very tired and traveling back to work today. To keep me going I’ll find time for a nap and continue to thinking about all the beautifully vulnerable and authentic conversations I had yesterday.

Day 45: Rice cake with peanut butter, nuts, seeds and bloobs. Side of pineapple.

The Sun

Before bed last night I saw a friend had posted about celebrating 12 years of sobriety. I went to bed thinking about how I don’t really talk about my sobriety much in a public way. And that maybe I should. The sun stretched through my windows this morning for the first time in a week. I took that as a sign that today is a good day to speak up. We say the sunrises but it’s us, spinning forward into another day. Unstoppable. I think about all the mornings I woke up criminally hungover, pulling the sheets over my head. Hissing at the sun wishing it would drop out of the sky and leave me the fuck alone. I think about how I showed up in my life. Feeling obligated. Constantly pretending everything was ok. That I was ok. Excuses and hangover cures. Superficial relationships with others and myself. Dragging myself out of bed and counting down to the moment I could climb back in. So much stress and anxiety created by not taking care of myself. Stress and anxiety that I managed with happy hour and post shift shots. There was a lot of no food or bar food and chugging water before bed. The mornings were triage and tacos. Chaos and starting off a step behind. I always looked tired and my skin was dry. I remember actively not wanting to make eye contact or hold it for very long back then. Not in the mirror, not in the world. Not without a drink in hand, anyway. And I think, it wasn’t really the drinking. It was that I used it to avoid my feelings. The things that hurt. The disappointments I felt. I drank socially and I believed it was a way to connect with people. I look back and wonder how I thought it would be possible to avoid myself AND have real connections with others.. Often, the results were over connecting with people that only brought me more hurt and disappointment. On some level they avoided me, because I avoided me. Like a board game where every card you pull makes you go back to the starting point. Yourself.

These days I feel grateful for all of it and genuinely connected to myself and the people around me. Truth, there are far fewer people. Accepting that has been incredibly difficult at times but, I have more of myself. I have more sun.

Day 44: Kimchi and pineapple with seeds. Sweet, spicy, sunny, simple.

Descent

The wives were wrong. Sleeping with a spoon under your pillow will not make it snow. Not even a little bit.. Just fog and whatever hides in fog. Still, pretty magical and I can’t complain. The cold persists and there is a tea bag necropolis growing on the ledge of the sink. Ginger, rooibos, licorice peppermint. Like sunken little tombstones waiting for the great compost heap in the sky. The day started off late with too much to do. I am going to pack and make my way down the mountain for the weekend. Time to hang out in a tiny town, study and wander off with my camera until it’s time to get back to work. It’s so nice to be nowhere.

Day 43: Trashy Plate.. Not so great toaster waffle topped off with leftover hash.. a little kimchi, kale & blueberries for contrast.

Let it snow..

There is an old wives tale that states if you sleep with a spoon under your pillow… it will snow. Easy enough. I took my favorite wooden spoon to bed with me and tucked it away under my pillow before lights out. While it hasn’t snowed yet it the odds are looking good! I’m going to throw a little snow dance on top of it. Fingers crossed!

Day 42: Cinnamon pancakes with Greek yogurt, blueberries, bananas, maple & seeds.

Problematic Percolator

The percolator did not want to perk this morning and the wind was moaning it’s way through the door jambs. Everyone was cold and hovering. Missing their sheets. Wanting coffee. Wanting the ovens to start warming the place up already.. I blamed it on mercury retrograde. Gotta be, right? I know how to push an on button. How to turn a thing off and turn it on again. It was not a user error. It was the astral configuration. Right? Everyone brushed off the idea of mercury having any affects here on earth. No matter which way it’s spinning. Reminding them that the moon generates the tides had everyone side eyeing the sky, the silent percolator and me. Eventually it sputtered to life. The smell of coffee hit the air and the day was saved. Just a small delay. No big deal.

Day 41: Soup. It’s a cold day for doing anything. Soup helps.

Did you hear that?

I’m out on a job in the lovely middle of nowhere. Tucked away on the side of a mountain. Feeling spoiled and grateful. It’s incredibly quiet and endlessly beautiful up here. You can see the sunrise from the kitchen. Later it sets in my bedroom window. There’s a lot of room to breathe. My suite has a rad bathtub that’s actually long enough to lay down in. And I’m pretty sure this house is haunted. I never feel alone. Even when I’ve seen everyone get in their cars and drive away there’s still some one, some thing here. Bumping around in the distance. Making tiny noises.. They seem to have their own agenda. It’s never following me around or hanging out in a doorway. I think it’s just // they’re just loafing around the grounds. Staring out windows, reading in the library, watching the leaves fall into the fountain. Like an old cat.. that reads.

Day 40: Kimchi, scrambled eggs, kale. Yogurt with berries. In the library.

Mercury Retrograde

Day 39 was written. Pictures were taken. I posted it when I arrived at my home away from home and apparently it did not post. I guess it wasn’t meant to be. Thank you Mercury.. You tricky bitch.

Moving on.

Highway haiku

Trail mix and asphalt

Hit the road a little late

Big sky, cruise control

Day 38: Trail mix & (sigh) coffee

A lotta moving parts.

I feel like a plate spinner. I’ve got so many things going on at the moment. My current mantra is

“Be cool, bitch! Be cool!”

Trying not to become anxious and overwhelmed. Such a strange thing, anxiety. This built in response meant to save us in sticky situations but fails to work correctly in our modern world. At work a lot of people come in looking for ways to manage their anxiety levels. There are meditation practices and herbs that are effective, for sure. Chamomile, Valerian, Kava, Lavender, Ashwaganda.. but I find that knowing when to tell people NO is an effective cure if not a preventative strategy. This is where I find myself right now. I’ve got enough going on and now it’s NO time.

Day 37: Quinoa, kimchi, avocado, tofu, coconut amino acids, seeds. AND I found a pretty great coffee alternative! RASA! It’s cocao based with just a little caffeine but tons of adrenal pleasing adaptogens. I’m thrilled! Now.. back to what I was doing..

The Gamble.

Recently I read this transcript of an Alan Watts lecture titled The Spectrum of Love. I was thinking about it while making breakfast this morning, with it being Valentines Day and all. So I thought I’d put one of my favorite parts of it here. For You.

“… it's crazy. Falling. You see? We don't say "rising into love." There is in it the idea of the fall. And it goes back, as a matter of fact, to extremely fundamental things. That there is always a curious tie at some point between the fall and the creation. Taking this ghastly risk is the condition of there being life. You see, for all life is an act of faith an act of gamble. The moment you take a step, you do so on an act of faith because you don't really know that the floor's not going to give under your feet. The moment you take a journey, what an act of faith. The moment that you enter into any kind of human undertaking in relationship, what an act of faith. See, you've given yourself up. But this is the most powerfull thing that can be done. Surrender.”

I hope your day is full of faith and ultimately, surrender.

Day 36: Avocado mousse, tofu, sweet potato. Not bad.

Wild at heart and weird on top.

In my dreams last night, David Lynch impatiently held a door for me. I was resistant. I have always had a thing about men holding doors for me. I know how to work a door, ya know? I woke up laughing about it. Remember when he used to do the daily weather report?

Day 35: Rice cake , banana, blueberries, honey, seeds cocao… tea.

Everything I love is bad for me.

I am being a little dramatic but I gave up coffee today. So I’m going to use what little energy I have to throw a minor fit (or two). I already quit smoking. Tequila is out. Now coffee. It’s not fair! I love coffee. It’s part of my daily ritual. It’s who I wanted to wake up with forever! But.. I need to give my adrenals a break. Seems that I am suffering from adrenal fatigue. This makes me feel old. In all the icky ways and none of the wise and wonderful ways. Fingers crossed that giving up coffee will help my adrenals spring back to life and I can fall in love with something else. Maybe this tea I picked up from work…

Day 34: Quinoa with kimchi, fried egg, avocado, cilantro and seeds. Side of fruit.

*The radicchio and cabbage were chilling on the table dying to have their picture taken too. So pretty. Fresh from the farm.

Cuckoo Bananas

I can’t tell if I am awake or not. The news is cuckoo bananas today. There’s a cruise ship floating around the ocean with no place to go full of people escaping a deadly virus caused by eating bats. In the Huffington Post someone suggested we impeach Trump again. Right, because he didn’t hear us the first time. THEN there’s something (someone?) 500 million light years away sending out radio bursts every 16 days. Alien beacon? Distant smoke alarm battery slowly dying? Maybe someone can’t remember where they parked their space shuttle. Who knows. These are exciting and troubling times. I can’t wait to see what happens next. 

Day 33: Baked sweet potato with peanut butter, blueberries, bananas, chia and peanut butter crunch cereal… the cereal totally made it.

Oh perfect.

It’s Monday, let’s talk about perfectionism. My best friend and I talk about this a lot. It’s an easy thing to fall into. Obsessively trying to make everything just so. When we’re talking about it though we always agree that perfect people, if we ever met any, would suck. Perfect is phony. We can all agree on that, right? We usually end up laughing it off and wondering why we ever spent any time at all striving to be, well, sucky. I recently learned that it’s often a response to trauma. So, if you yourself don’t battle with perfectionism, maybe try to give all those overachieving control freaks at work a break. They may just be coping with their shit the best way they know how.

I’m all yoga’d up and off to work. To do my best without stressing or pressing the details into some nonexistent state of flawlessness.

Day 32: Golden Mylk Oatmeal with pistachios, blueberries and golden raisins.
I have now cracked the code on oatmeal. No, it’s not pretty but this shit is delicious.

1 cup of Milk (players choice, I suggest coconut)
1 tsp turmeric
1 tsp cinnamon
pinch of black pepper
few slices of fresh ginger
splash of vanilla
1 date, chopped.

Steep, stir, drink… or cook your oatmeal in it. A+