Breakfast didn’t happen yesterday. I received a call the night before and learned that a friend I have been worried about had passed. There are no details yet. Just that they were found in their apartment. I had gone by their place a few weeks before after some dark days of no communication. No one was there.They had recently relapsed after 8 years of sobriety and I knew it was bad. The relapse came with an abusive relationship and of course, quarantine. A new level of isolation. No school. No work. It has been a tough time to stay sober for many of us. Connection is the opposite of addiction.. these words have been on repeat in my mind. Not knowing what happened is hard. Wondering if there is more I could have done is harder. They had wanted to meet up. There were invitations to bars and coffee shops but I felt unsafe and was worried that they had not been taking the same precautions I do. Worried about their health and my own. I tried to be there how I could. I listened. We talked about how they could get out of their relationship and begin to heal. I sent contact information for counselors and hotlines. I offered to help them get into the recovery center I used to cook for. I just keep replaying all these ways I tried to help shift the situation around that didn’t help at all… it’s crushing. At moments it just seems unreal. I keep thinking about how yeah, they were going through a shit time but that they were going THROUGH it. Not that they were approaching the end. The cliches of looking back over the last few text messages and replaying the last time you spoke to them. Looking at how we all exist in these very powerful yet fragile ways and trying to reconcile that contrast. If not for Covid I would have said, “come for dinner. let’s take walk..” but that’s not how it went down. So here I am. Wanting to take my heart out of my head so it’s less painful to accept that they are not here anymore.. and despite my efforts I could not truly reach them when they were.
If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction, isolation or an abusive relationship reach out. Connect. Have hope.
Substance Abuse & Mental Health Services Administration Virtual Recovery Resources
Better Help - affordable online counseling
National Domestic Violence Hotline