Groundhog Day

Ya know, it’s a lucky thing that Bill Murray was staying in a hotel during his endless Groundhog Day.. turn down service, someone’s making coffee downstairs every morning and no gawd damn dishes to do. A sink full of dishes is a total energetic drain for me. If I leave them too long it’s as if I can hear them gossiping away about how lazy I am. “I’m not lazy! I’m disinterested!” I yell out.. to no one. I don’t feel like doing dishes today. I don’t feel like putting clothes on today. I don’t see the point.. today. So I’m going to honor my fifis (that’s code for feelings) and not do those things, just for today.

Day 89: Apple, peanut butter, seeds and bloobs.

Casa de Luz

““... the way we eat represents our most profound engagement with the natural world. Daily, our eating turns nature into culture, transforming the body of the world into our bodies and minds.”
”

— Michael Pollan, The Omnivore's Dilemma: A Natural History of Four Meals

Breakfast today is inspired by one of my favorite restaurants of all time, Casa de Luz. I have been eating there for 20 years and it has never let me down. It’s got this peaceful urban jungle vibe with hammocks hanging in the canopy and condos looking down from above. Every meal is fully macrobiotic, organic and vegan. It is impossible to make any poor eating decisions there. Actually, you don’t make any decisions there. Whatever they are making that day is what you are eating. Take it or leave it. I fucking love that. There are no waiters who come by and ask you how your meal is or try to upsell you a dessert. There is no booze. No TV’s. No struggling to hear what your dinner companion is saying. It’s just peaceful. Everything about it feels nourishing. Over the years it helped shift the way I think about food. The way I feel about going out for a meal. It is where I bought my first copy of Michael Pollan’s Omnivor’s Delimma. I am forever grateful. In the past year Casa became the home of Austin’s’ Bridge Club chapter, a monthly women’s sobriety group I am honored to be a member of. It was started by the same women who created The Temper and meetings happen all over the country (they are currently meeting virtually). So if you are sober or sober curious and looking for new friends I can’t recommend Bridge Club enough. When this is all behind us and we are able to move about freely, Casa will most likely be my first meal away from home. Fingers crossed that day isn’t too far away.

Day 88: Forbidden rice, kale & bok choy tops with carrots, beets, lentils, broccoli and tahini. And would you look at that?! Grapefruit! I haven’t been able to grab them out of my neighbors trees because everyone is home!

Wearing: What do you call this? It feels so unlike me.. I can’t imagine what kind of mood I was in when I bought it but.. it’s not terrible. Maybe I should throw it in the mix.. it makes me feel like the Chiquita banana lady… I can’t tell if that feels good or not.

Gravity.

Last night I was simmering some soup and listening to a lecture for school about orthorexia, anxiety and the co-occurrence of anorexia nervosa. All these disorders sound like a hex. Perhaps they are?… Anyhow, as I was stirring and chopping my phone was buzzing away with text messages and news updates. I guess it was all too overwhelming because my phone made its way to the edge of the counter and jumped. It landed flat on its face and died on the spot. That’s right, I didn’t even have to touch it to break it. Once upon a time these things happened because, well, tequila. Now it’s just a simple matter of gravity… that tricky bitch. I could take my phone somewhere and see if there is any hope of resurrection. However, the timing is not great for braving a social space where people bring lots of devices that they can’t stop touching or holding up to their face. I can live without it for now. I can’t really call anyone but what would I even say?
“Hey, did you put on pants today or did you just Donald Duck it around the house?”
It’s none of my business anyhow. So, please join me in a moment of silence for my phone and all the calls it never got to make.

Day 87: Last nights Scrap Soup. Orca beans, garlic, carrots, leeks, kale, chard, veg stock, seeds and a splash of ume vinegar.

Wearing: a shirt that (I feel) only looks good when you put it on backwards. It’s cheap and oddly designed. I got it from thrift and thought it was a decent attempt at adding some color to my wardrobe. See, it has yellow. Bold move! But… it has never made it out of the house.

Pour some sugar on me…

My stock of sweets is dwindling. First went the fruit. Then the chocolate. At some point I pulled together the ingredients for a chocolate cake and left slices for my neighbors on their doorsteps. Kym (my best friend of 24 years and downstairs neighbor) called it Disco Cake. I thought she was referring to the fact that many items in my pantry had been 86’d or disco-ntinued but no. She was just being fun and awesome like she does. That cake is now history too. Que the lonely violin… I haven’t craved sugar like this since I first got sober. My purse was stuffed with a wide selection of gummies, licorice and dried fruit. I went through a bag of oranges the way Zsa Zsa Gabor went through husbands. Instead of drinks I would get dressed up and go out for dessert. Ice cream at Sweet Ritual. Creme brûlée’s at Justine’s or Enoteca’s affogato. I had no idea what a luxury those things were. To manage, I am drinking more water and treating myself to a cup of peppermint licorice tea after dinner. The spoiled parts of me feel it is a poor substitute but in reality it is pretty satisfying. What are you craving these days?

Day 86: PB&J oatmeal with seeds and the last of the bloobs… scraping the bottom of the jelly jar here.

No dress up today. It’s Monday and there is work to be done.

Covid & Coitus

Spring is in the air and while the birds and bees are totally doing it in the yard, many of us humans are quarantined away inside our homes with no one to bone. Recently I saw a poll asking single folks how they are feeling these days in regard to their sex drive. The results were a 50/50 split between those who were distracted by everything else going on and those who are finding it hard to think about much more than sex. I get both sides. Everything is in bloom. We all want to pretend we are bunny rabbits but right now hooking up could quite literally take your breath away. A lot of people are bemoaning this “hands to yourself” situation we are in. To them I say (with love), take one for the team and go f*ck yourself.  Experience your own sexual energy in a new way with no distractions. Break your routine and try out some new techniques. Treat yourself with a new toy from Babeland. Build up some anticipation and mark it’s arrival on your calendar. For the good of your community get out of your sweat pants, put something on that makes you feel like the word desire was created just for you and get weird. Orgasms boost your mood, improve your concentration and help you sleep. They even help us manage our stress hormones. Providing yourself with killer orgasms, keeps everyone safe for now and will make you a better partner in the future when we all get to be all up in each others business again. So, once again for the cheap seats, with a lot of love.. Go f*ck yourself.

Day 85: Forbidden rice (how fitting), chard, kimchi, fried egg scallions.

Wearing: This is an All Saints dress I got in London for my 30th birthday. It has a curry stain on the front of it from some little place on brick lane that plied us with a lot of free wine. I never wear it.. where do you wear something like this? I feel like it wants to be covered in grass stains or to take off for burning man without leaving a note.. despite that last bit, I really love it. Invite me to something I could wear this to?

Paralysis by Analysis

I am from a long line of over-thinkers. My mind is like a rock tumbler, round and round wearing down the rough bits until something smooth and manageable emerges. I would say that overthinking has it’s benefits but for all the thinking I’ve done I couldn’t tell you what any of them are.. The draw backs however are many and forever apparent. Missing the moment, trouble sleeping, indecisiveness, failing to follow your gut, ruminating, anxiety, suspicion and the list goes on. Being home alone with my thoughts and the news cycle, my mind has been tugging on its leash. This experience has forced me to dig deeper into my meditation practice. I was introduced to transcendental meditation when I was ten or so by my father. He was turned on to it by someone at work and wanted the family to follow him on the path to enlightenment. He sent me to the shambala center for classes and weekend work shops. It was lost on me at the time. Rebellious and disinterested, I rolled my eyes through a lot of it. In my adult life however, it has been one of the greatest gifts imaginable. I think I would be worrying myself to pieces right now without it. When we meditate we create space and become more adaptable. The things that are most stressful to us are the things that constantly demand that we readjust. We only have so much bandwidth for that. Eventually we snap, throw our hands up and everything feels unmanageable. If you would like to give the old rock tumbler a break, there is a pretty straight forward guide in the New York Times. There are loads of guided meditations on Spotify and YouTube plus a world of apps too. Join me?

Day 84: Baked sweet potato with yogurt, granola and bloobs.

Wearing: Romper purchased nearly a decade ago. Unworn for several years. I’m 50% into this. That 50% is the top half. I think I’ll grab the scissors and refashion this into a tank.

Laissez Faire

I’m trying to keep the energy moving around here. Keep things bright, eat colorful stuff, listen to danceable tunes. I’m still dabbing perfume behind my ears despite having no where to go. I personally believe I have a lot of control over how I feel. Through PMA, healthy eating habits, exercise, creative jags and decent sleep. I stay on the up and up. But today after I slipped on this dress (that I had completely forgotten about) and twirled around about 20 times .. the wind was out of my sails. I was down for the entire day and chose not to fight it. It rained and I washed my hair out of solidarity. Other than that I accomplished nothing. I don’t feel blue but I definitely feel blah and I am okay with that for now. Sometimes when I am overcome with a feeling or suddenly zapped I wonder if it is someone’s else’s energy that I’m picking up on. Then I gently try to send it back to its rightful owner. Today I just shrugged and curled up with it. It’s a strange time. So be it. How are y’all hanging in there? Anyone know what day it is?

Day 83 (I think): wild rice cake with avocado, yogurt, smoked trout, everything but the bagel + a cutie… so I don’t get scurvy.

Wearing: thrifted tropical maxi dress. Totally keeping this. As I’m going through my closet I’ve stopped asking “does this bring me joy?” And gotten strait to the point with “can I wear this without a bra?”… which is essentially the same question only easier to process.

Everything is falling apart..

Which might be okay… I’ve got a long list of things to do. Some enjoyable some not so much. I foresee spending an intolerable amount of time on hold with the bank.. resulting in a neck injury that forces me to live the rest of my life with my right ear permanently stuck to my shoulder. Amazing how we are all stuck at home and still waiting in line. But.. it must be done. It all must be done. However, all I am really want to do is lay around and watch Fight Club on repeat. Getting up when necessary for snacks and fits of shadow boxing. It feels like a good time for it.

“Only after disaster can we be resurrected. It’s only after you’ve lost everything that you’re free to do anything. Nothing is static, everything is evolving, everything is falling apart.” - Tyler Durden

Day 82: Fried rice, kimchi, scallions and everything but the bagel + rasa latte. The lack of coffee is totally helping my anxiety levels. I’m into it.

Wearing: A shirt I bought for a job I didn’t want. I quit that job a long time ago so I think this shirt can kick rocks too.

Saints

No closet digging today. I woke up late and needed to get over to the farm. So I reached for my adult blanket (aka my trusty keffiyeh) and hit the pavement. I got another great quarantine soundtrack from my buddy Charlie, so I jammed that on my way over. When I walked on to the farm and there was a big ole bag of beautiful green things with my name on it. No contact, just lovely veg. I gotta say. I love where I live. The people that run this farm are saints! I’d be grey and lifeless without them. The things that we can eat to keep our immune systems in A+ mode can not be hoarded so I am beyond grateful for them and all they are doing to keep this community nourished right now. There is school work, fruit foraging and cooking to do. Oh and I need to call my mom. She’s a saint too. So I’ll leave it there. Everyone, go call your parental units!

Day 81: Hot Salad //sautéed carrots, red potatoes, garlic, scallions and arugula + farm egg, hemp hearts & pepitas.

Perspective

I’ve been missing the wide range of fresh fruit and the vast possibilities that exist in the bulk section of the grocery store. The wall of mustards and chocolate from every corner of the world. As I dig in the pantry and play with what’s on hand I realize how truly privileged I have been and how I have abused that privilege and taken it for granted. I live in a bubble where I can say “no thanks, what else you got?” and the options are still endless. There’s so much food that I can boycott most of the food pyramid, Monsanto itself, mass produced /processed foods and things I find to be “yucky” while never missing a meal. It’s ridiculous. Especially when others have so much less. The way I consume is up for review. Across the board.

Day 80: Frankenstein Granola //… oats, chia, almonds, pistachio, coconut, sesame, pepitas, apricots, cherries, coconut oil, honey and gawd knows what else… over skyr with berries and blackberry jam.

Wearing: A $3 dress I got and treasure city. Every time I put it on I think “this is way too fucking short” and then it lives on my floor for a week. Raise your hand if you want it,

Inventory

I’ve never been one to keep a lot of things in the freezer or to load up on grocery store runs. It could be a manifestation of my commitment issues but I like to grab things as I want them. I can see the appeal in stocking up now.. Perhaps this experience will change me.. Dubious, but we shall see. I do have a pretty well rounded pantry and as I wait for my orders from Eden East & Central Market to come in I am going to rely on whatever I find in there to make breakfast happen. Simultaneously I will be taking stock of what is hiding in my closet as well. Each day I will be donning things that I’ve never worn or only worn once and you guys can help me decide if I should keep it or have my head examined for bringing it home in the first place. But be nice, ok? If you’ve got anything unpleasant to say, find a mirror. Ask yourself “Am I hungry?” “Do I need a hug?” … both are likely true.

Let the games begin!

Day 79: Scottish Oat cakes with yogurt, honey, chia and bloobs (I’m fresh out of butter and maple syrup). These were very filling. They taste like the food of a very hearty people.. which, I think means I did it right.

Wearing: a very spring-y, truly comfortable, silnky maxi dress. It is much more colorful than anything I usually make it out of the house in… Maybe colors are okay? Part of me feels like it draws more attention than I generally like out in the world. What do you think? Keep or banish?

Under the wire

It’s nearly midnight and I’m revisiting breakfast. My schedule is, well, currently non-existent. As I’m sure is true for so many of us right now. I am still gathering my thoughts on the current world situation, and feeling anxious AND acccepting of it…? I’m feeling all the things. Breakfast options are dwindling as grocery stores are more like a Walmart on Black Friday and I just can’t even with that. So, things are going to get creative in the coming days. Constraints make us more creative. That’s how it always goes. That’s actually a rule of thumb in naming memoirs. Summing up your life story in 6 words. What would you name your memoir?

Day 78: Rice, kimchi, avo and egg.. classic.

MIA

I sat down earlier and wrote out this big long thing about mental health and solitude and tips on finding a therapist you click with and well.. I guess I failed to save my work because it is gone. I looked under the bed and dumped out everything in my purse. Even went downstairs and looked in the car. Can’t find it anywhere. So, for my own sanity I’m going to drop it for today and give it another spin tomorrow. Until then, you can give this amazing quarantine playlist a spin. It will make you shimmy around your kitchen. What I’m saying is, you’re going to like it. My friend Nick put this together while holed up in LA. He tells me the skies are smog free and the roads are wide open. Proof that staying home creates miracles.

Day 77: TFB raisin toast with skyr, bananas, bloobs, cinnamon honey & chia. Rasa latte on the side. I can finally say that I don’t miss coffee anymore. Another miracle.

Forever

Spring clean accomplished. Now I can focus on bigger things..

Day 76: Hyper healthy smoothie: spinach, banana, bloobs, raspberry, the last of the almond butter, seeds, spirulina, chlorella, goji, ashwaganda, moringa, alfalfa & nettles + almond milk.

Filthy

Today is… day 9 at home. Might be Thursday.. might not matter. Yesterday we hit pause on operations at the herb shop I do marketing for. Hard to accept but a mild relief at the the same time. Yesterday was also the first day in over a week that I’ve had clean hair. Today I will do my best to fight the urge to cut it. I ingested an unhealthy amount of news this morning. I know better. It has a lot of negative side effects like, feeling utterly filthy… but on a positive note I now have an uncontrollable urge to deep clean my apartment. My neighbors might hate me for it but I think that means loudly revisiting Propagandhi’s how to clean everything.

Day 75: Over scrambled eggs, kale, spinach, avo & parm. Kiwi, bloobs and rasa.

Shelter-In-Place

Having people over for dinner or going out for a bite is by far, my favorite way to socialize. Honestly it’s one of the only things I made it out of the house for. I think back to all the times I said the words “we are just going to order a bunch of stuff to share” and rounds of beautiful, delicious and clever bites would crowd the table. Those words sound detrimental now… so here I sit at home. Eating alone. Which is pleasant, don’t get me wrong but all this eating alone is effecting how I eat. With a virus seemingly everywhere I am more conscious of my food choices. All the pre and pro-biopics. Lots of water. Every green thing. Mega doses of vitamin C. Eggs, beans and cheese for all those D vitamins but… I am also much more prone to snacking. Peanut butter on anything. Oranges and dark chocolate bits (until the chocolate ran out). Popcorn with heavy doses of nutritional yeast and pints of blueberries.. I would site boredom but I’ve actually been quite busy. Most likely it’s that I actually miss people. The lack of connection is making me snacky. Has this shelter-in-place changed the way you eat? Are you cooking more? Let me know in the comments.

Day 74: Veggie miso soup // potatoes, peas, carrots, foraged onions, mushrooms, celery & spinach + Rasa almond milk latte. Rasa has chaga mycelium in it, which supports your natural defense system against colds and flus. It also has Ashwagandha, a calming adaptogen that soothes the nerves.

Tower Moment

We currently have no choice but to experience freedom from an imprisoned situation. It’s interesting to watch us fight this and see so many rebel against the idea of just simply going home. Clingling to what was and denying what is only delays what is to come. I know a lot of us are afraid. On top of that our plans are wrecked. Our efforts dismissed. It’s difficult to accept that we are not fully in control. To admit that some shit (a lot of it) is just bigger than we are. But there is relief in giving up the struggle to keep it all upright. Knowing when to fold ‘em. Learning to let things outside of ourselves fall apart without crumbling inside as well. Becoming open to seeing what we can live without. Accepting that things will never be the same. We still have each other though. We still have this big beautiful rock we live on. Spring is deaf to what we are experiencing. If you feel in need of some hope or fuck, a miracle.. head outside. Everything is in bloom.

Day 73: Yogurt, spinach, avocado & smoked trout on wheat + everything but the bagel. Fruit back up.

Machines of loving grace…

Stray bits of this poem have been hanging out in my mind lately. Figured I would let it hang out here for a while.

Day 72: Quinoa, kale, kimchi & farm egg. Cutie on the side.

Tell me everything..

Time either flies or drags.. what’s with that? I’ve managed to be pretty productive in the midst of all this. Avoiding the news for a solid 24 helped a lot. Today the fist steps were taken toward getting my vegetable garden going. A lot of work stuff got crossed off my to do list. I yoga’d, gathered my quarantine reading list and enjoyed a few dance party breaks. I talked myself out of cutting my hair, twice. Also, I came to the conclusion that every day I’ve spent wearing anything other than overalls was wasted. What are you guys doing? Who’s reading what? What are y’all listening too? Has anyone invented anything cool yet? Tell me everything.

Day 71: Skyr, berries and seeds, oh my! Side of perfect mango.

Chaos & Comfort

The world has gone cuckoo bananas. Luckily I have been slammed with work. At home. To treat myself in these wild times I indulged and got a loaf of raisin pecan bread from the farm. Bread and I have grown apart over the years. It was nothing personal. No gluten-free agenda. Just some time apart. I’m happy to report that our reunion is going very well. This particular loaf was made by Texas French Bread. I worked there once. For… a while? A minute? A season? It’s hard to say. I was in a chaotic place with myself while I was under their employ and my memory is fuzzy. I do know that I failed to see it for all the good things it was at the time. I was drinking a ton and thinking about how it probably was not great that I was drinking a ton. Looking back though I remember being comforted by the buzz of the bakery. Mixers going full steam with the smell of fresh croissants in the air. Gossiping with the bakers by the old coffee grinder, dunking the most stellar gingerbread cookies in my pre shift cortado. And the windows… church like, really. See, most professional kitchens fail in the window department. You’re just boxed in and there’s nothing to let you know that the world is still happening outside, accept for the ticket machine. Watching the sun set as dinner service kicked off was a treat. Even if it fucked with my circadian rhythm. At the time I didnt’t give a shit about those sorts of things anyway. I wasn’t looking for the rhythm. For better or worse, I was just happening. At the end of the day the leftover loaves were for the taking. We would sword fight with the baguettes and then I would lug them home and gift them to friends. I knew some bartenders back then that would trade a baby sized batard for free tequilas. Saints. I don’t miss the tequilas so much.. but I definitely missed this bread.

Day 70: Raisin pecan toast and the last of the bananas with almond butter and seeds.