#WCW

Music has forever played a big part in my life. Growing up my father worked for MCA, his whole world was music and he impressed upon me the importance of creating a soundtrack for your life. The music that has spun on repeat during my transformative moments were nearly an apothecary but definitely a companion. One that could dance or cry or sit comfortably with me as I stared and contemplated loss, metamorphosis and.. life. Thao and The Get Down Stay Down provided so much of the soundtrack to sobriety for me, in moments of up and all the way down. Her music is emotional, vulnerable, vital, wise, intelligent, driven, empowering, playful and adheres to no particular genre. All things I really wanted to see in myself. Some of her lyrics helped me get up, keep going and shift my perspective when I couldn’t see past my nose. Listening to millionaire one morning, feeling particularly damaged, the opening lyrics offered a new perspective “ I broke in a million pieces.. That makes you a millionaire.” A little dark but it felt specifically for me in that moment. I felt broken open rather than broken apart. Sending Thao a little love and all the gratitude this morning. Dance with me?

* Bonus awesome points to Thao for offering a rice and adzuki bean pudding as band merch. Temple Food, y’all. I’m going to have to order some and give it a go.

Day 240: Roasted sweet potato, quinoa, kimchi, avocado, spinach, fried egg, Braggs amino acids and sesame oil.

Is it fall yet?

It is! Happy Equinox! Fall, the very best time of year is now here!

Day 239: Peanut butter blueberry pancakes. I made these with coconut flour and they were not very pretty but they were very good.

• 1/4 cup coconut flour (use a level measurement)

• 3 large eggs

• 2 Tbsp coconut oil

• I Tbsp honey

• 1 tsp baking powder 

• 1 tsp vanilla extract

• 1 Tbsp pre-biotic peanut butter powder

• 1/2 a banana sliced (you can just snack on the other half while you cook)

Mix all the dry ingredients first, then add all the wet ingredients and voila. The peanut butter will make it thicker and a little dryer than normal pancake mix. No worries, just measure out the batter in a 1/4 and into a hot pan with a little butter or olive oil they go. Place banana slices on top before you flip them. The banana gets nice and caramelized.

These pancakes are a good source of potassium. This is your bodies most abundant mineral. It acts as an electrolyte. Helping the muscles contract, keeps the nerves sending their signals and regulates fluid and heart rate. 98% of Americans Are not getting enough potassium.. if your bananas are withering away, untouched on top of your fridge you could be you! Drinking alcohol can also effect your potassium levels. Vomiting, dehydration... yeah that can cause a potassium deficiency. Signs of a deficiency include muscle cramps and stiffness, heart palpitations, digestive issues, fatigue. Not fun. Luckily peanut butter and bananas and delicious and a good remedy. If that’s not your bag though you have options.. cantaloupe, dates, broccoli, spinach, sweet potatoes, cucumbers… you get the picture. Since it is so vital to our health it is found in a lot of plant food.

What is new and good?

Day 238: Happy Monday! Let’s jump in!

First on the list of what is new and good.. looks like our friends in the Pacific Northwest will finally get some much needed rain this week. Long over due but better late than never… I feel like I have been saying that a lot lately.

Duex, It is Bill Murray’s birthday! He is not new but the fact that he is 70 years old is. He is wonderfully mischievous, perfectly unpredictable and I fully intend to be that much fun when I am his age. In fact can we a,l make a pact to insert ourselves into peoples lives the way he does when we get older? Just for a moment here and there, via a kickball games, photo bombing engagement photos or up in some strangers kitchen doing dishes in Saint mode while the house party rages on. Let me know if you are in. Anyway, Huzzah Bill and Happy Birthday!

Last but not least… These spaghetti squash fritters are what is new and good around here. I’m sort of having Sunday for Monday with new work schedule and I had extra time to treat myself this morning and be a little brunchy about it. So I poured myself a glass of sparkling kefir put on a little something to dance to and dragged all my leftovers out of the fridge to see what I could come up with. Fritters FTW! Anything can be um, fritted. You just have to believe.

This recipe made 6 fritters. You could double it easily for a bigger crowd. Being single and living alone I try not to make a large portion of anything because I will get sick of it and that bums me out.

1 1/2 cups leftover roasted spaghetti squash
1/2 cup chopped kale
1 scallion - rough chop
1/2 cup quinoa (white, black, red, a combo - dealers choice)
1/4 cup garbonzo bean flour (any flour would do - although almond flour may not hold things together as well)
1/3 cup shredded Parmesan
2 Tbsp seeded mustard
1 egg
+
I added a few spoonfuls of tomato confit because I have a lot of it and I am mildly addicted to it right now. Not necessary for the recipe but - fun if you have some.

I measured the fritters out with a 1/4 cup, dropped them in a really hot pan with olive oil and then flattened them out with the bottom of the cup. Flip them. Serve them with creme fraiche or a dab of yogurt, maybe some pesto but, definitely with an egg on top.

Making Room

When I feel a change coming on I like to shake up my space. Birds molt, snakes shed. Me? I move my bed. I get rid of stuff. Get more useful stuff. Play with the layout. It gets the energy moving and creates space to grow. That’s what I am doing today. Making room. I ordered some cool camera equipment too. I want to start making videos and expand what I am doing with food here at the house. I want to share more. Maybe have some people over to cook with. I’m brainstorming. If y’all have any ideas leave a comment. I’m all ears.. er.. eyes!

Day 238: Yogurt, bananas, bloobs, cacao nibs and a little Purely Elizabeth grain free cinnamon and peanut butter granola. Yeah, I can make my own granola but this week my energy is needed elsewhere and Elizabeth is good at what she does.

Confession

Since quarantine it has been hard for me to actually get up, go to work and stay there. The whole thing, clothes, traffic, showing up at a certain time, being in a space that is open to the public.. Tell me I am not alone in this. After about 4 hours I am zapped. My eyes are tired. My brain tells me to “go outside. Look at the sky.” Which I do and it helps but sometimes once I get outside the next thought is “look, your car is right there... you could just go home.” It isn’t that I don’t enjoy the work or the people I work with. I do. I even find it meaningful. I think I am just still adjusting. Sometimes though.. it makes me crave junk food. Like all of it. Mixed together.. I’ll be driving home day dreaming about pizza burgers.. fried chicken lo mein.. potato chip ice cream.. In a pile. It is as though my brain has been hijacked. Does this happen to you? Do you give in? I ask myself questions to name what it is that has me reaching for things that will ultimately make me feel worse. Nine times out of ten I am simply stressed and tired and do not want to cook anything (or have to do the dishes after). I just want comfort. Treats. I have to be my own mom and say it out loud “we have food at home.” It works. Thanks Mom. Knowing some healthy alternatives that scratch the same itch helps a lot too. Maybe I will start occasionally posting some dinners here.. would y’all like that? Is anyone sick of breakfast yet?

Day 237: Rice cake, probiotic cream cheese, smoked salmon, spinach, arugula and everything bagel seasoning + bloobs.

Please Vote

I wanted to finish the week on a strong note. I worked out, had a great breakfast. I was set up for success but after a day at the office where I felt like recreating the printer smashing scene from Office Space and the news of Ruth Badger Ginsburg’s passing.. I am beat. I feel the collective sadness, worry and anxiety her death brings. All I have to say is please vote. Make sure you are registered. Talk to people around and you and ask if they are registered. Encourage them to vote as well. It is beyond important.

Day 236: quinoa, kimchi, giant bloobs, sprouts and seeds.
I was smiling in the AM and crying in the PM.. We lost one of our greatest protectors today. Let’s do her memory justice and walk her path in her absence.

Throwback

I got to digging through some old photos recently and I was startled by the fact that I am drunk or hungover in nearly all of them from 2017 and back. Yikes. I honestly believed I lived a fairly healthy lifestyle back then.. I did bikram yoga and ate lots of salads. I took vitamins and put avocado on everything. I also regularly closed down the bar, smoked cigarettes, ate plenty of junk food in the middle of the night and skipped a lot of meals. I was trying like hell to have it both ways. I slept terribly back in those days. I also had IBS, heartburn, terrible periods, crippling anxiety and zero chill. I was clueless as to what could be causing these afflictions. This photo though of me and that colossal sugar bomb.. dear goddess! If you had told this girl that one day she would be standing in a rehab kitchen trying to passionately convince a newly sober community to have some fruit instead of eating anymore donuts.. well, she would have laughed at you, maybe smashed that donut into your face and asked if there were any tiny bottles of booze left in the mini bar. Point is, we really can change. We can go from donuts at 3 in the morning to smoothies 8 and from being hammered to being helpful.

Day 235: A “Better than a Donut” smoothie.. Banana, bloobs, peanut butter, coconut water, coconut oil, brown rice protein, yellow pea protein, organic hemp protein, pomegranate, monk fruit, Spirulina, oat grass, barley grass, ashwagandha, reishi, lions mane and cocoa.

#WCW

It’s Wednesday and that means it is time to send out another love letter to a woman who inspired and supported me in early sobriety. Today I am blowing telepathic kisses at Liz Huston, a Los Angeles based artist who created my favorite tarot deck, The Dreamkeepers Tarot. Drinking had disconnected me from myself. I was emotionally and spiritually dulled, if not fully numbed. When I walked away from the bars I knew it was to find the way back to me but my anxiety and self doubt at the beginning of the journey were intense. I could not feel my inner compass or truly trust that little voice inside. Tarot helped me wake up my intuition, reconnect with myself and take a good look at my shadow.  While it is based on the Rider Waite deck her take on it is so unique. Very feminine. Equal parts dreamy, delicate and fierce. As if Joan of Arc woke up in Wonderland. In other words, her gorgeous and highly symbolic imagery turns the tarot into the Heroines Journey. The wisdom and creativity in Liz’s deck served not only as a guide but a clever companion as well. I received this deck as a gift from a friend who is ultra tuned in. Spot on as always, she gifted it to me when I needed it most. The images on the cards themselves speak volumes. Many of the characters have several faces. They are often bound, traveling and unraveling, evaporating or materializing.. depends on how you look at it. The book that came with the deck however.. It is a treasure all on its own. Full of rich and introspective messages I needed. It continues to be the deck I reach for the most. In fact I pulled a few cards this morning while my tea was steeping. I was focused on the path my sobriety has taken and the cards fully reflect it. The story they tell is one of manifestation, solitude, personal growth, walking away from drinking (and many people) to find greater meaning and ultimately harmony. I feel like most tarot decks have lead me to analyze who and what was going on around. The Dreamkeepers Tarot has proven to be a mirror and that was the intention behind it. It took Liz ten years to create this and put it out in the world. Messages within and her dedication to the project continues to inspire me. Thank you, Liz.

Day 234: Some “what’s in the fridge?” Hash. Sweet potato, scallion, green apple, zucchini, leftover steak, oregano & spinach from the garden. Topped off with a little golden yogurt and a fried egg. Funny story.. I texted my neighbor to see if he wanted some hash and just as I was texting to clarify that I meant breakfast hash he came running over wanting to know who, what, where, why and how I had hash. AS IF. HA! Stoners, man! I swear.. they have a one track mind. They sure are an industrious bunch though. Give them anything and they can turn it into a bong.

Tea Time

We had a brief cold snap and now all I can think about is fall. It is my favorite season. Not because pumpkin spice comes back on the scene but simply because it is cozy. It is a time to braise and laze and curl up with books and of course a warm cup of tea. One of my favorite things. It is ritualistic and luckily very good for you, unlike tequila shots.. The options are endless too. Green, black caffeinated, sedative, floral, herbal, bitter, spicy, soothing.. You can choose your own adventure in the land of tea. Whether you need to go to sleep, get energized, poop, clear up your skin, Balance your hormones, focus, get aroused, cure a sugar craving, you name it! Tea has all the moves and it is a MVP in my sobriety tool kit. So here are a few of my all time favorites.

Peppermint: Helps relieve an upset stomach, lowers stress, boosts your immune system, freshens your breath and it can help you lose weight. It also makes a pretty decent AF Mojito. Just make a simple syrup with loose leaf mint tea, strain, add lime, a little club soda and some fresh mint leaves (if you got ‘em) then pour over ice and.. huzzah! Fresh AF.

Raspberry Leaf: I always have one tea on hand that has Raspberry leaves in the mix because it is awesome for your lady parts. It eases cramps, regulates the hormones, balances out your mood and clears the complexion. I used to drink wine during my period, which exacerbated all of these issues. Raspberry tea is much more comforting/beneficial. It’s far cheaper too and I don’t have to take anything down to the recycle bin. Currently my favorite blend is the Flower Power tea we make at work. It has Red Raspberry Leaf, nettles, hibiscus, calendula, vitex berries, linden flowers and chamomile. A++

Tulsi: Ah Holy Basil.. A base for so many incredible teas. This adaptogen is revered as “The Queen of Herbs” in India and has been used for over 5,000 years. One thing it is great at is supporting your bodies natural detoxification process. Highly necessary in early recovery. It has many other super powers such as relieving stress, preventing respiratory disorders, regulating blood sugar and maintaining oral health but detoxification is what brought it into my life. My current tulsi tea obsession is Organic India’s Tulsi Cinnamon Rose. To die for.

Licorice: This stuff is pretty amazing. I know it is one of those things that people either love or loathe but if you fall into the latter category allow me to make a case for Licorice. It is well known for its anti-inflammatory, antibacterial, and antiviral properties. All good things. It is considered to be an aphrodisiac in Chinese medicine, turns out the aroma is particularly arousing to women, just saying. It also supports your adrenal glands which can get burnt out by chronic stress. Something my life was made of when I was drinking. Raise your hand if you drank to manage your stress and anxiety.. yeah, me too. I didn’t know any of this when I started drinking this tea. I came to love it simply because it is sweet and it helped satisfy my candy cravings in early sobriety. After studying up it made all the sense in the world that I would fall in love. Currently I am drinking a Peppermint and Licorice blend by Pukka and the Herb Bar’s Adrenal Support Tea that has Nettles, Oatstraw, Rosehips, Borage, Licorice, Wild yam, Schisandra, red clover and stevia.

Passion Flower: This total oddball beauty grows all over my neighborhood and it’s interesting to me that while the flower looks so vibrant and exciting it’s effects are calmative. It reduces the activity in our central nervous system. If you need to relax, get some sleep or need a little pain relief this is the stuff. When my mind is keeping me from a full nights sleep I drink this sedative tea from work. It knocks me out!

Heads up, this is no sales pitch. I did recommend some teas from the herb shop I work in but I don’t make any money from the sales of anything off the site. Cross my heart. I am just sharing things that bring me joy and help me stay grounded, happy and well rested. Because that is what I want for all of you! Do you have a favorite tea? Let me know in the comments. I am always looking to try something new!

Day 233: Kimchi fried quinoa with avocado and cilantro. I was going to make quinoa kimchi cakes but I was running out of time this morning. Another day!

What is new and good?

Now for a little levity for our brain chemistry. What is new and good this week?

1. A recent poll of 2,000 Americans over age 21 looked at the positives changes to come from this challenging time—and the ways in which respondents are re-prioritizing what they value. Two-thirds of Americans said quarantine has made them a better person. 55% reported that they were embarrassed about what they valued pre quarantine and the many months spent at home gave 70% a chance to learn more about themselves. Fantastic! Another study showed that 70% said being home more due to COVID-19 made them more aware of their eco-unfriendly behaviors. These eco wake-up calls included becoming more aware of wasting food (44%), using paper products more sparingly (43%) and being more careful about where they buy meat (38%). Huzzah!
   

2. This amazing Etsy shop wis now offering custom face masks with your pets snout on it. Goofy? Sure. Awesome? Absolutely.
   

3. This dude turned my favorite summer fruits into a synthesizer! In elementary school our science club turned a potato into a lamp and that blew my mind but this is next level. Imagine the possibilities…

Day 232: arugula, tomato and beet salad with avocado, quinoa, chimichurri and a side of watermelon.

Sunday is everything

Meeting with clients, dinner with friends, writing and kicking it off with this gorgeous toast. That is how I Sunday. Yes it is a verb and a noun. It is my favorite and maybe even my philosophy. Sunday is a good example of saving the best for last. Like when you eat your slice of pie - crust first or open all your bills before you dive into that letter from your pen pal. That is Sunday vibe. I hope you are all enjoying it.

Day 231: Toasted Amber Rye Sourdough, probiotic cream cheese, the last of the kale pesto, arugula, 6 minute egg and dukkah. If you are unfamiliar with dukkah, know that it is delightful and easily added to anything. Personally I love it with a jammy egg. Sunflower seeds, hazel nuts, almonds, fennel, coriander, sesame, cumin, pepper, paprika and salt.

I am just glad to be here

I got up early and rode my bike down to the farm. I walked the grounds and watched the chickens and the bees do their thing as I let the past week settle down in my mind. I needed to be outside. To see things growing, thriving.. It was a hectic week and starting it off at the rehab kicked up a bunch of old stuff for me. Ancient stuff. I walked in pretty stoked to be back in the saddle and feeling on point. Ready to cook and connect. Many of the people I had worked with in the past were still there and were a little of blown away to see me in the kitchen again. I got a really warm welcome but there was a somber mood in the house. I mean, right, it’s rehab not Disneyland but the vibe was heavier than normal. Then someone informed me that an old coworker of ours had relapsed and overdosed the night before and she died. My heart sank into my guts. I hate that this feeling is familiar. I hate that this kind of news doesn’t surprise me anymore. It just hurts and hurts. There’s a warm little shrine in my mind for all the amazing people that I have known who have died this way. It’s heartbreaking. She was only 28, her daughter is 9 years old. I wasn’t close with her and did not know her well but it was easy to see the loving effect she had on the clients and staff at the rehab. I have no clue what was happening in her personal life but I do know that with the stress of things happening at large in our world right now relapse is on the rise. I talked with the rehab director about how things have been since the pandemic hit and he brought up the closing of the borders. Once that happened less drugs were coming in which sounds like good news but actually means more things being cut with fentanyl and benzos. A combo that will literally take your breath away. More dangerous street drugs means more overdoses. It is an utter tragedy. One that has replayed throughout my life. This is a loss that keeps coming. It is also what inspires me to keep doing what I am doing. Staying sober and attempting to be an example for those who want to be. If you know someone who is struggling (and you most like do) reach out to them. If you are struggling let someone know. No shame. Like we always say “Addiction is the opposite of Connection.” It is a phrase posted on nearly every sobriety social media feed because it is true. Sometimes I feel like sobriety culture can appear to be all about the “glow up” but for a lot of people it is a life and death situation. This week was a painful reminder.

It took me a while to post anything about the past week. It brought up a lot of old grief for me. Some that I never really sat with. It all started to work it’s way out when I sat down to write this weekend… and that is why there were no posts. Im not sure what all that writing will turn into.. maybe a book. Once I get a little further with it I will post excerpts in Rants as I want to focus more on nutrition here. For now, I am just glad to be here and I am grateful that you are too.

Day 230: Farm fresh arugula and watermelon salad with store bought bloobs, hemp hearts, sunflower and pumpkin seeds + Texas french bread croissant with kale pesto.

Recap

I honestly can’t believe I have not sat down to write anything more than a to-do list or a work email in the past week. Things were mega hectic and well, my brain power was elsewhere. So here’s a little recap of the past week. A breakfast parade if you will. Which one looks most appetizing to you?

Day 225: Full Fat yogurt, kiwi, strawberry, bloobs, almonds, cashews, sunflower, pumpkin and chia seeds + a little honey and Udo’s 3*6*9 oil for those omegas.

Day 226: heavy on the magnesium! Brown rice cake, peanut butter, banana, bloobs, cacao nibs, hemp hearts and coconut butter.

Day 227: Comforting bone broth with fresh ginger, turmeric, mushrooms and cilantro.

Day 228: Pure decadence. Roasted sweet potato with spinach from the garden, bloobs, kale pesto and a slice of my favorite cheese.. Délice de bourgogne. Soft ripened, triple cream, heaven. This is what happens when I run out of eggs. Cheese for breakfast.

Day 229: Juiceland to the rescue! Bananas, almond milk, peanut butter, spinach and hemp protein.

Meal Prep

This coming week has a lot of moving parts. To make things run smoothly I am doing some meal prepping. I generally like to cook things when want them and I have that luxury when I am working from home but this week I am returning to the recovery center to cook for their clients. Guest chef! I am really excited about it! It was a job that always filled me with a sense of purpose. That being said, when I cook all day for others I generally don’t want to come home and cook for myself. Resulting in a situation where I am taking care of others more than myself and that’s no bueno. So, prepping. I don’t make any specific dishes when I meal prep, because I am moody and my not want those things later.. then opt for take out noodles, also no bueno as I already invested in healthy food at home. Instead I create more of a Lego situation. Meaning I roast off a large selection of veggies, steam grains, make an herby sauce, boil potatoes and eggs and maybe make a pasta sauce to have on hand and then I just snap it all together based on whatever I am craving later. Without instructions. Some may see this as chaos. Fair-ish. Allow me to make my case! I like to listen to my body because it informs me as to what I should eat and again, it give me a chance to exercise my creativity on the plate. Plus, there are a lot of things that can be made from these items. Big salads, colorful stir fries, Franken-Pasta, etc. No sweat involved.

Day 124: Roasted sweet potato, sautéed kale, spinach and scallions, avocado, 6 minute egg + a Turmeric and ginger yogurt sauce that went great with the sweetness of the potatoes and the bitterness of the greens.

All Apologies

It was a long rough week and my energy was zapped when I went to bed last night. I got too in my head, which always proves to be a problem for me. I get too hard on myself. My thoughts can drag me down, trip me up and throw me off. If I let them.. So I made a deal with myself to switch up the energies a bit over the weekend. To make nice. Today I got up, meditated for a bit and did some body brushing to get me out of my head and into my physical self. Then I put on my “Wonder Woman” tank top for that “I am wonderful” vibe and made myself this gorgeous salad. It tastes like a love letter to myself. Mind, body and soul. Since I had the time today I plated it to look like a little bouquet.. because making my meals look beautiful nourishes my creative side AND I needed to apologize for giving myself a hard time this week.

From: The Royal We
To: Yours Truly…

Apology accepted.

I realized during my meditation this morning that while I have forgiven myself for plenty, I have never actually apologized to myself. As I always say, better late than never.

Day 223: Spinach, kale, cilantro, grapefruit, blueberries, beet kimchi from F-Stop, avocado and Omega 3*6*9 oil. First off, I’ve been rationing out that beet kimchi. It has been hard to do because i find it to be wildly addictive. Secondly, the colors! Colors means vitamins and nutrients. Here we’ve got the good fats, antioxidants, probiotics, vitamin A & C, B6, potassium, magnesium, calcium and iron. It’s way more enjoyable than a multivitamin. Just sayin’.

Huzzah!

I did it! That big work project has reached a new and stellar stage! I have been building a website for the little medicinal herb shop I work in and now it is up and happening! There were some technical issues along the way but.. that is all behind me now. Without further ado, allow me to present www.theherbbar.com! If you’ve got something ailing you physically, emotionally or spiritually we have something for that. It’s true! Anyway.. I am really, very, truly excited about it! Give it a click and tell me what you think! I am off to celebrate. I am in dire need of a screen detox. Maybe I will go roam around in the rain or paint. We’ll see.

Day 222: Soup! I knew if I kept making soup it would rain! Lentils, butternut squash, mushrooms, celery, turmeric, cinnamon, cardamom, black pepper and ghee.

Perfectionism

Today my energy is all over the place. I feel off, ungrounded, distracted and frustrated. Plus there is this shitty voice in the back of my head telling me that whatever I do end up pulling off today will not be enough. Leaving me to wonder “who let that bitch in here?” When I woke up my mind was just instantly going... so I am having to slow things down and breathe. See, the thing is that there is a part of me that wants so badly to show up every day, everywhere as this all knowing, fully chill, enlightened being .. but that is not what I have going on all the time. I am not a monk zenning out on a mountain top or Gwyneth Paltrow’s herbally steamed vagina… sometimes I am Kathy from the funny pages and Gary Busey’s bad hair day. Which is ok. These are things I have learned to accept.

Although some days I simply do not want to..

Once upon a time, in a conversation long ago… A friend was coming out of her immaculately organized closet as a perfectionist. I listened as she told me all the ways she struggled with this and the ways she tried to see it (and sell it) as a strength. Everything she said sounded perfectly exhausting. As I did my best to provide an ear and offer my support I realized that I too was exhausted from the same kind of thoughts and behaviors. Shocking. I had never seen myself as a perfectionist before that moment and it was completely disorienting. Since this realization I have done my best to keep an eye on it but sometimes it creeps up on me. Knowing that perfectionism is a trauma response helps me handle its arrival with care. So here I sit with my oatmeal.. getting grounded, challenging my inner critic, comforting my inner child and reminding myself that no matter what I am, it is enough.

Day 221: Golden mylk oatmeal with coconut cream, bloobs, strawberries, walnuts, peanuts, cacao nibs, Udo’s 3*6*9 oil and a little honey.

#WCW

When I started attempting sobriety, a week here, a month there, my gut kept telling me that sticking with it would change my life. If only I could stick with it… At the time I could not imagine what it would (or could) change in to but I needed something to change, badly. In my more hopeless moments, when I failed to believe my life could be different at all I would think of Julia Child. If anyone ever had an epic second act it was her. She went from creating military grade shark repellant for the OSS (the sharks kept setting off bombs intended for German submarines) to becoming gloriously happy, iconic and forever well fed, by her own hands. I was around 35 at the time and upon learning that Julia was already 36 when she arrived in France (having no clue as to the new direction her life was about to take) I made her my personal patron Saint of Transformation.
St. Julia. She gave me hope. So today I am honoring her. A joyful, passionate, hilarious and unstoppable woman whose story will forever keep me excited and optimistic about life’s possibilities. I would have made Quiche Lorraine but.. I live alone and I just can’t eat that much quiche. Putting extra butter in the banana bread felt like a decent enough tribute.

St. Julia needing some bread in a bikini top… one of my favorite moves.

Day 220: Marbled Banana Bread with Cocoa, Rishi & Cinnamon. Topped off with coconut cream, bloobs, pumpkin and sunflower seeds, crispy quinoa and a little honey. This time instead of using my own recipe I tried the Bon Appétit banana bread. I opted out on the nuts. I find them to be distracting and the texture is weak. I said what I said. Instead I split the batter in half and stirred in some Four Sigmatic Mushroom Cocoa mix with Reishi. 10 out of 10 will would bake again.

Boundaries

There have been some issues lately at home with someone trespassing on my property. All is well, my neighbors are on it but.. While defending my physical boundaries I got to thinking about my journey with personal boundaries. When it comes to creating and maintaining healthy boundaries I was late to the game.. I didn’t even recognize them as something that needed my attention until my mid thirties. Better late than never, right? Therapy is where I learned that my lack of boundaries was the source for let’s say, 90% of my problems. Drinking helped me live in this land without borders. After I sobered up, drawing a line in the sand with alcohol, I started to see how boundaries were not at all what I originally thought them to be. Hearing the word “boundaries” had made me think guarded, shut off, mean, selfish, not fun, complicated and ultimately… unloveable. Crushing, right? It is unreal all the ways I have believed myself to be unloveable in this life! In sobriety I could finally see that my boundaries had always been set too far out, allowing all kinds of bullshit to wander in or they were set too close. Meaning that the instant someone crossed that boundary they were walking all over me. There was no time to fire off a warning. I needed to go all Goldilocks on my boundaries and find out what was just right. This perspective shift came from an unlikely source, Richard Brautigan. One of my favorite poets and well, alcoholics. This poem titled after the first line, brought me to tears by how succinctly it summed up my boundary issues and failing relationship with myself:

For fear you will be alone
you do so many things
that aren't you at all.

So many things.. I wrote it on my bathroom mirror and it stayed there for a year. The phrase “Boundaries are…” started popping up in my mind with vulnerable little illustrations and comforting captions like the old “Love is…” comic from the back pages of the Sunday paper. Ironic that I would connect these two things seeing as I had grown up believing that love has no boundaries. But “boundaries are..“ where it begins. Boundaries are where we meet each other. Boundaries are where we teach people how to treat us. If you are still with me let’s look at 10 signs that you need to set better boundaries for yourself.

1. Your relationships are a mess. We are starting with relationships because they mirror our issues back to us. So.. things may go hot and cold. Your partners (or you) are controlling and secretive. There is an overall lack of reciprocity in your connections.

2. You are forever worried that you are (or will be) letting other people down. You say yes when you mean no. This is people pleasing and it is the gd worst for everyone involved but, mostly for the people pleasers themselves.

3. You are made of anxiety.

4. You are indecisive. All that saying yes when you mean no and going along with what other people want disconnects us from ourselves. We go blank or end up weighing the options forever when faced with a decision because we are lost when it comes to what we do or do not want.

5. You are annoyed easily and often. Going against your own values and not getting your needs met will have that effect.

6. You aren’t saying it but you feel that no one truly respects you. Without boundaries no one knows how to treat you. You are in the land of “anything goes” which is all fun and games until someone gets hurt.

7. You feel like the victim. Without boundaries you will often feel taken advantage of. In your relationships, at work and with your family.

8. You are passive aggressive. I know this one well. People pleasing is disempowering. We will indirectly express our anger by becoming naggy and manipulative as we try to regain the power we basically gave away.

9. You are afraid you will be abandoned. (see Brautigan poem above..)

10. You are always exhausted.. and that’s fair. Looking at the list above, how could you not be?

Long story short.. ha! Boundaries are awesome. If you don’t have any, get some. They are so in. I kid. Honestly though, exploring them has been a real challenge for me but exercising them is so very gratifying.

Day 219: Greek yogurt, cantaloupe, bloobs, kiwi, almonds, sunflower, pumpkin and chia seeds hemp hearts, mint, basil + honey and Udo’s 3*6*9 oil

Cissy..

Heading into the week like..

Day 218: Bananas, kale, dates, bloobs, peanut butter powder, chia seeds, hemp hearts, ashwagandha, rhodiola, chaga, Tulsi, macadamia nut milk and coconut oil.