Something in the air..

There is something in the air that has my allergies going totally berserk.. but there is also the slight breeze of change. I may not be breathing so well and my eyes might be too goopy to clearly see the election results roll in but I can feel the change a comin’. However seeing how truly divided we are is troubling. This has always been the plague of humanity. The habit of thinking in terms of us vs them. Of seeing each other as other. I am guilty of it too. My catch phrase used to be “people - they’re the worst” but that doesn’t help anybody and.. since I am a people too that doesn’t do any good for the way I feel about myself. Luckily - in sobriety I have come to like myself and all the other peoples a lot more. So, I’ve been more mindful of the way I talk about the political situation. Ive tried to remain more mindful and curious with the feeling that comes with closing off to people who don’t think or feel as I do. Trying to remain open. I just got some new Rasa in the mail… it sells itself as a sex tonic (fun) but what it really does is get your blood going and opens your emotional heart. Something I believe we could all benefit from right now. I can feel it! It gets bonus points for helping me miss coffee a little less.

Day 284: Hot salad! Kale, sweet potatoes, bok choy, mushrooms, serranos, broccoli rabe, nutritional yeast, pecans and hemp hearts. Rasa latte on the side. I steel it in almond milk with 1 date and then blend it with my immersion blender. Divine.

Let’s Move

Nearly every coaching session I have had this week has naturally gravitated toward the topic of Election Day anxiety. People are feeling grim about a potential loss, the very close numbers and I can relate to that.. what we thought could be a landslide has been a nail biter. I was on the phone with one client talking about how rattled everyone is and what they can be doing to take care of themselves at this strange, stressful and uncertain time. As we brainstormed together and played out scenarios the reality rose to the surface. No matter the outcome of the election there is going to be plenty of work to do moving forward. That no matter who is in the White House - a lot of things are out of balance and incredibly out dated. That our country needs work and none of us can afford to be passive about that any longer. Then they said the most wonderful thing. They said “I am an engaged person. I want to stay engaged and I want to feel good while I do it.” Instantly my brain was like “THIS!” This is why I want to do this kind of work with people. Because our health doesn’t just effect our the beautiful little bubbles we personally exist in - our bodies. It effects our ability to show up. For ourselves, our circles, the community, our dreams… everything. Their words gave me a rush of gratitude and I felt totally honored that they choose to work with me. So yeah, no matter what happens with the election the sun is going to come up again and we will all need the energy, the courage, the emotional and physical strength to move forward. Nothing happens if nothing moves. It’s time to move. Every-body needs to take care so we can stay engaged and feel good while we do it. If you have not hit me up for a consultation - now is the time. Let’s work together. Let’s make things move! 

Day 283: Baked sweet potato with rad herby sauce, avocado, pumpkin seeds, sunflower seeds, crunchy quinoa and the prettiest farm egg EVER.

Sitting in the waiting room..

It’s going to be a long day. I remember going to bed on the night of the 2016 election feeling as though I were already in a dream. Not wanting to repeat that experience I am doing what feels good to stay grounded today. Diet, meditation, soaking up some nature, lots of Debussy & Satie - something about the piano always comforts me. What are you doing today to feel good and grounded while you wait for the elections results to roll in?

Day 282: Herby soup with bone broth, quinoa shaved mushrooms, carrots, turnips and garlic. Parsley, oregano, sunflower, pumpkin seeds and nutritional yeast. Seeds, roots and fungi for the win.

Goji

Calling all my anxiety prone people... I have a snack for you! 

Goji berries! 

They are an essential source of dietary fiber. Improving immune function, energy level, mood, digestive health and sleep quality while increasing total antioxidant activity in the body. PLUS they are used in Chinese medicine to treat liver disease by preventing the progression of alcohol-induced fatty liver AND they can inhibit tumor growth. Is this perhaps the perfect sobriety snack? I think so. You can snack on them as they are, add them to trail mix, yogurt, smoothies.. or go old school and put them on celery and peanut butter for Fire ants on a log or my favorite - Steep them in hot water to enjoy as a tea. Not sold yet? Beyond all the mood, gut and liver benefits this teeny berry has more Beta-carotene than all other edible plants. Making it great for your eyes, bones and complexion. Snack on.

Today I have an itch to get outta the house.. a need to do something rather than say something. This song has been on repeat in my mind. Hit play for solid advice. Dance along for best results.

Day 281: Yogurt of the full fat and ultra tangy Greek variety with bananas, walnuts, pistachios, goji berries, quinoa and chia seeds.

Uncertainty..

I am doing all my Sunday stuff.. making stock, catching up on the news, eating leftovers and dragging the needle back to zero. All in preparation for the coming week.. but I don’t really know what I am preparing for. The news says gun sales and Covid cases are up.. deja vu. Some guy on the radio is giving me tips on how to decipher the election results as they roll in on Tuesday and riffing on all the possible outcomes. None of which sound very good, honestly. Everything is just so uncertain. I know this is always the case and most of the time that is an exciting truth. I am doing my best to stay open to that excitement. To be okay with not knowing what will come. It’s hard though. All my executive level worrying skills really want to get in the game. My ability to dream up the worse possible outcome wants to come out and set some dumpster fires. The wiser parts of me are telling me to just keep doing what I’m doing. To spend all that energy in a more productive way. So that’s what I’m doing. I booked a few consultations for the upcoming week. I have client calls on Monday and plenty of other work to keep me moving. In other words - being of service to others and less less screen time is really getting me through. Lately social media and the internet at large just feels like static to me, so I’ve been logging out. Feels right.

Day 280: Pumpkin toaster waffle sandwich with coconut cream and blueberries. Not pretty but very satisfying AND required basically zero kitchen clean up. Huzzah!

Halloween?

Halloween did not feel spooky or festive this year or maybe I felt a little too desensitized to get into the spirit of things. Wearing a mask every time I step out in public has sated any desire I had to put together a costume. I wore my bathrobe so I guess you could say I was relaxed for Halloween. I did not miss any of the candy this year. In fact I’m grateful it wasn’t tempting me at every turn. Halloween turned out to be more about working with the energies of the full moon than anything. Letting shit go. Grudges, people, desired outcomes, furniture, the fray in my junk drawer.. everything must go. I bathed and yoga’d and did a tarot reading. I rode my bike in the moonlight and charged all my crystals. It was a good night if a touch uneventful.

Day 279: I skipped breakfast.. I know. My body was just not into it so why force the issue? I opted for an early lunch instead. Tofu spring rolls by the river. It was nice. A little impromptu picnic action.

High Vibes. Good Intentions.

Our intuition has the power to provide the most direct path to fulfillment. So.. what should we eat to stay the course? The answer is simple - High vibe foods, prepared with care and good intentions. If we can make this a habit, the way we approach food, then making decisions that consistently align with our highest good will come easily, because a healthy gut = a healthy intuition. Eating real food will help you get in touch with your true voice. That is to say that what we do eat is as important as what we do not eat. Let’s go through the do’s and don’ts, shall we?

DO:

• Eat a plant based diet.

• Lots of fresh organic vegetables, fruits and loads of herbs. Emphasis on the greens. They absorb all the sunlight.. light is where the information is.

• Reach for raw nuts, seeds and chocolate, yes, chocolate. Dark, raw chocolate.

• Stay hydrated. Purified water, mineral water, herbal teas.. keep things flowing in the literal sense so they flow metaphorically as well.

• Whole grains. Ancient, earthy, fiber rich grains. Bulgar, quinoa, barley, oatmeal, brown rice, buckwheat, amaranth, spelt.

• Legumes. Adzuki, kidney, navy, lima, peanuts, pintos, lentils and chickpeas.. the list goes on and the possibilities are endless.

• Healthy fats. Olive and coconut oil. Avocado, MCT, Ghee. Again, nuts and seeds - sunflower, pumpkin, flax.. walnuts, peanuts, macadamia, pecan and cashews.

• Fermented foods - my favorite! Kimchi, kraut, pickles, kombucha, kefir, yogurt, miso.. there are fermented hot sauces and honey too.. so good.

• Speaking of honey.. that and maple syrup are good natural sweetness for the gut and can help you tap in (pun intended).

• Super foods: Chlorella, spirulina, Maca, Goji berries, Turmeric, Moringa, Ashwaganda, Rhodiola, CBD, Wheatgrass, sprouts of all kinds.

• IF you eat meat, poultry or fish look for organic, free range, hormone free and grass fed

DON’T:

• Eat a bunch of stuff that comes out of a box or can that needs a jingle and an entire marketing team to make you believe it’s safe to consume.

• Eat mass produced meat that is full of stress and growth hormones.

• Soda

• Sugar and artificial sweeteners

• Genetically modified food

• Things that require a microwave

• Alcohol

• Coffee / energy drinks

• White bread, white flower, white rice - the nutritious parts have been removed to be more visually appealing. You and your intuition don’t have time for that.

• Pasteurized dairy products

• Vegetable and canola oils and margarine

Day 278: Quinoa, roasted beets and carrots tossed in rad herby green sauce (clearly I am addicted), sautéed kale and a 6 minute egg. Huzzah!

You have got great things to do today

Day 277: Leftover rice, kimchi, bloobs and sunflower sprouts. I put a little brags amino acids and Udo’s 3*6*9 oil on the rice for a some fat and protein action.. clearly, I need to go to the store. Also I need to conquer the mountain of work that is growing on my desk, but before I do that…Fun story.. I had this friend in high school, Charlie. His family was Greek. His dad, Pavlos was from the old country and he did not fuck around. No one would call him a subtle man. He drove through stop signs - religiously. To the dismay of his highland park neighbors he kept a claw foot bath tub full of live fish in the back yard (ya know, for dinner) and anytime he belched instead of saying ‘excuse me’ he would say “What? You want me explode?” I liked him. He would wake Charlie up in the morning by saying “Wake up Charlie! You have got great things to do today!” And then he would throw a bucket of water on him. I would not suggest mimicking Pavlos’ parenting style as the bucket of water did not phase Charlie in the moment but I am willing to bet it had some long term effects... I really like always liked his morning message though and lately I have been hearing Pavlos in my head as my alarm goes off “You have got great things to do today!” Yeah, some days it sounds like he is mocking me but others it is as though he is cheering me on. Today it sounded like he was on my side. So I am off to the races. Check back tomorrow to read about foods that help you tap into your intuition.

Interoception & Intuition

We may not consider our diets when it comes to the topic of intuition outside of the application of intuitive eating. As in we intuitively know what is good for us to consume and what is not and we choose our behavior from there.. but the call is coming from inside the house. What we eat directly effects our ability to access our intuition from the start. Let’s back it up…

It would be easy to believe that our brains simply exist to react to and make sense of the world around us. That is our conscious experience of it anyway. As for myself I can say that between curiosity, creativity and existential crisis I often forget that my brain has a lot of other shit going on. Truth is the brain between my ears evolved to regulate all my body’s internal happenings. So I can function efficiently. It run systems. The deep pondering is merely a fun bonus. Our brain is like… our own personal people pleaser. It regulates our many and truly complicated systems by anticipating our needs and being at the ready to satisfy them. They call this Allostasis and it is the core task of our dear old brain. The side effect of allostasis is Interoception - the brains conscious and unconscious impression of sensations from inside the body. It is constantly reading the room and then elbowing the brain about our racing heart or growling stomach so the brain knows what needs regulating. It goes beyond that though. It interprets our thoughts and emotions as well. This eradicates the idea that our minds and our bodies are two separate entities. In fact they have found that interoceptive accuracy regulates the extent to which bodily responses are related to our emotional experience AND intuitive decision making. When we disrupt these systems or overload them with say, drugs, alcohol, sugar, processed foods or caffeine - things get cray... The signals ping pong and echo around. Leaving our system unsure of where the original signal came from. Plus there are extra sensations, misinformation and toxins that burden our brain and exhaust the interoceptive process. There is a spectrum of chaos here and our intuition gets buried in the discord.. 

I feel this explains the pink cloud of sobriety. The sense of relief and freedom that hits once there is less shit to clean up, less to report and regulate. There is a chance to regain balance. However, I mention sugar and processed food in the same breath as drugs and alcohol because they are equally confusing and harmful to our well being. They have just as much misinformation, noise and chaos potential. Eating real food, plant based food, things that got sun and dirt and played their part in the ecosystem - that’s how we help the systems run smoothly. Quiet the noise so we can hear that inner voice, feel our gut. Today, take notice of what you’re eating and try to mindfully feel it’s effects. What does your intuition say about your choices, on and off the plate? 

Day 276: Lentil Soup with carrots, Russian kale, celery, turnips, tiny potatoes and a little chicken. I added a table spoon of rad herby green sauce and topped it off with seeds (sunflower, pumpkin and hemp). Soup for breakfast 2020!

Know the signs..

Before we dive into ways to build your intuition and the ways nutrition plays a role.. I want to throw out some signs of lacking intuition because it shows up in many ways. Some are covert while others blatantly obvious. We may have a lot of regrets from having gone all in when the signs to pull back were all over the place. We could often feel betrayed in relationships or like the odd man out with our friends.. because we could be spending time with people who’s values don’t align with ours and we are not seeing (or accepting) the signs. We might just shrug off our instincts and call ourselves crazy. We may go along with things and let other people make decisions for us.. hell, we might even expect them to. All of this changes when we start listening to our gut. These are just a few examples of how we ignore it/ourselves. I would love to hear how this has shown up in your life and what you did to change it.

Day 275: Oat groats & quinoa cooked in almond milk with pears, pecans and pomegranate. I had made myself a little tea latte using the adrenal support tea I get from work and used what I didn’t drink to cook my grains in. It was a win.

In·tu·i·tion

/ˌint(y)o͞oˈiSH(ə)n/

A thing that one knows or considers likely from instinctive feeling rather than conscious reasoning.

It is a gift we all have, to know the truth simply by the way it feels. Albert Einstein called it the only real valuable thing. Others have defined it as a super power while some feel it is a frequency you can tune into but most commonly we know it as listening to your gut. So, what if your gut is unhealthy?

This week we are going to focus on intuition and the many ways we can build, tune in, connect and trust it. That trust part is key, as usual. We all have a moment we can pull up in our minds, pretty quickly, where we heard our gut calling out and we did not listen… and the results were well, the worst. I’ve seen this be a pattern with myself in the past. It is a form of self sabotage and when that is a pattern that is a real problem. Can you relate?

Check back this week and turn up the volume on your inner voice so you can do what’s best for you and get your gut feeling good too.

Day 274: Full fat yogurt with this rad “pumpkin spice” swirl, pecans, pistachios, hemp hearts, crunchy quinoa, golden raisins, cranberries and cinnamon. I mixed my pumpkin purée with some golden paste (Turmeric, Ceylon Cinnamon, Cardamon, Ginger, Black Pepper, Pink Himalayan Salt, Coconut Oil, Acerola Cherry) and a teaspoon of maple syrup… and now I want to spread it on EVERYTHING.

Sunday Vibes

“I drank coffee and read old books and waited for the year to end.”

It was a Brautigan kinda day. Cozy lethargy and a decaf maple latte. That was the vibe. Breakfast went down late. I laid in bed and read. I laid on my yoga mat and caught up with old friends on the phone. Then I laid in the tub. No complaints. See y’all mañana.

Day 273: Quinoa, sautéed kale and purple cabbage with rad green sauce + a fried egg and grapefruit brûlée on the side. Because.. well, why the hell not?

Self Care Inspo

Today Texas started to give into the fall vibes. I woke up and it was 50 degrees which felt like all the win I needed for the day. I had zero motivation to do anything productive… and I kinda felt bad about it. Which is bullshit, honestly. I napped a bunch and then found this in an old stack of ideas and sketches.. it’s sort of a Part 2 from yesterday’s post. Just a little self care inspiration. I am definitely going to add “Do nothing and don’t feel bad about it.”

Day 271: Leftover pho with a fried egg. My dream breakfast, lunch & dinner.

Weekend Sobriety Toolbox

I am so happy it is Friday. I need a weekend at home with no real agenda. I remember a time though, in early sobriety when the weekends caused me a lot of anxiety. I wasn’t sure what to do with myself. I was so used to spending the weekends partying and recovering. My circle of friends had shifted so I didn’t really have anyone to kick it with. It was hard and pretty damn lonely. So I thought I would share the things that helped get me through those weekends. I am not listing cooking because I feel that is sort of a given.

• Photography - I bought a camera and started getting up early to catch the good light. It provided me with adventure, creative expression and perspective.

• Bath Time - I went to Lush and got an arsenal of bath bombs, turning my tub into the place to be on a Friday night.

• Puzzles - I started collecting kitschy food themed puzzles from the 70’s. They continue to be one of my favorite ways to spend an evening. While the images are not incredibly appetizing they are hilarious and working puzzles makes your mind move differently. Highly therapeutic.

• Old Journals - I dug out all my old journals and made a list of all the things I talked about doing but never did and made them a priority. Except learning Spanish… I still do not know Spanish. I also ran into a lot of past hurts in those journals.. I spent nights writing letters of forgiveness to those people and then burned them. Releasing us both from the past/bullshit between us.

• Shedding - I started getting rid of stuff. I spent nights digging through the things around the house and letting it go. Making regular trips to goodwill and having yard sales. Something about physically getting rid of things helps with the letting go of things emotionally. I do think things hold energy but I also think it primes your mind (and your heart) for releasing all the things you need to in recovery.

• Dessert - If I got the urge to go out I would dress up and take myself to a fancy restaurant for dessert. It thrilled my sweet tooth and the night owl in me. PLUS it kept the sweets out of my house so I did not over do it because as I have mentioned before, my sweet tooth was a BEAST when I first got sober.

What do you do on the weekends now you are sober? Or if you are thinking about going sober what do you see yourself filling your weekends with?

Day 270: Buckwheat & Almond Financier with a little yogurt, the blueberry and pomegranate compote I made last week with fresh bloobs and some pistachio/cashew dust.

Fiber

When we quit drinking and start living fully we gotta start fueling ourselves differently. To feel alive I eat things that are living. Things that have soaked up some sun, dug their feet in the dirt and played their part in our gorgeous ecosystem. Which is exactly how I wanna be living. When I was a drunk I didn’t feel connected to my environment at all. I felt like I did not belong. Eating what the planet bountifully provides gives me a sense of belonging (and oddly enough has helped clear up my allergies too, cross my heart). The thing you get out of all those fruits and veg is fiber and it’s so damn important in sobriety. It cleans out the system and it will regulate you. If you are anything like me then chances are high that at some point you treated your system like a garbage disposal and it’s in need of some cleaning. Fiber also gives us a lot of energy and keeps us feeling full. Therefore we can fully engage in our lives and be less prone to unhealthy snacking. Yeah, You could take a pill or add some powdery concoction to your water… but why when fiber rich foods are everywhere and come with other much needed nutrients? Amazing sources of fiber include (in no particular order)..

Avocado
Kiwi
Chia seeds
Legumes
Nuts
Beans
Popcorn
Broccoli
Figs
Artichokes
Berries
Whole grains
Apples
Dried fruit
Sweet potatoes
…and the beat goes on.

We live in a beautiful, fiber rich world and being aware of how much you are or are not eating is a great way to upgrade your diet, your mood and your daily deuce. Get on it.

Day 269: Baked sweet potato with ghee, yogurt, bloobs, pistachio, cashew, flax, avocado, sunflower sprouts, some quick pickled jalapeño and a little pink sea salt. The only cooking done here was baking the sweet potato and the pickled jalapeño was simply leftover jalapeño from the rad green sauce I made yesterday That I soaked in a little rice wine vinegar. Everything else was sitting in the fridge or the pantry. So simple and nutrient dense.

Busy busy

I have been playing catch up a little this week after being out of town and today I had one appointment or consultation after the other. I am grateful to be busy connecting with new clients and that means I had no time to write or get on social media today. I did however still manage to have a baller breakfast. All the colors! As I sat down to eat it just made me smile! I hope you are all smiling out there wherever you are AND if you haven’t booked a consultation with me yet… what are you waiting for? I have a few time slots open over the weekend. Hit me up.

Day 268: Sautéed kale with tomato confit and a rad herby sauce I whipped up with a soft boiled egg and a little Parmesan. Grapefruit and bloobs on the side.

Rad Herby Green Sauce
This stuff can live in the fridge for a while and be added to nearly anything to to make it taste amazing.. for those times when you don’t have much time to make things taste amazing

1 bunch cilantro - rough chop
1 bunch flat leaf parley - rough chop
1/2 a jalapeño - chopped (put the whole thing in if you want extra heat
1 Tbls red wine vinegar
1/4 cup pistachios
1/4 olive oil (+ a little extra to top off the finished product to keep it from oxidizing in the fridge)
salt to taste

Blend it all in a food processor while slowly adding your olive oil. Easy peasy.

Vote

This morning I got up before the sun and rode my bike to my local polling place to vote.There was no line, no headache, no jerks AND I got to watch the sun rise on my ride home. It made me feel truly optimistic. Early voting ends on October 30th in Texas. Go do it and make yourself an awesome waffle sandwich afterwards. Seriously, if you have not yet voted PLEASE go vote.

Day 267: Celebratory pumpkin waffles sandwich with sunflower sprouts, apple, a little Délice de Bourgogne & some sugar and nitrate free bacon. Bloobs on the side. Rill good.

Go vote.

What is new and good?

It was good to get out of here just as it is good to be back home. I feel a little lighter. The weekend, back in my home town gave me a chance to reflect on why I left there and see how I am not running from those things anymore. Dallas is where I got addicted, where I got clean, where I lost a lot of other people who I never got the chance to properly mourn.. mostly because I didn’t know how to face that. I feel rested. I feel free. So let’s do a little what is new and good, shall we?

Canada has a new project that is flipping the narrative and giving the homeless a second chance. The New Leaf project took 115 homeless people who were confirmed not to have serious mental or substance abuse problems, and put $7,500 in the pockets of 50 of them to see if they could turn their life around. A year later most recipients still had $1,000 in savings and 67% were could still feed themselves every day. Many people might argue that the money would be spent irresponsibly on drugs or alcohol, but the results of the study were a refreshing perspective on the mindset of those living on the fringes of society. After a year of spending on what they judged to be important, average spending on alcohol or drugs went down by 39%, perhaps because the individuals recognized they had a real shot of turning their fortunes around or had less negative feelings or realities to numb. An impact report  done by the Foundation for Charitable Giving found that recipients moved into housing two months faster than those who didn’t receive the $7,500 allowance. Two months may not seem like that much, but the two-month difference also freed up emergency services and saved the shelter system approximately $8,100 per person for a total of roughly $405,000 over one year. In the end giving people cash saved $600 per person for society. Actions like this give people the power of choice and it shows them society believes in them.

I love this. More of this! Homelessness has always been a cause held close to my heart. After an uncle of mine spent years on the street, suffering from PTSD, alcoholism and more due to his time in Vietnam I started volunteering in a shelter. I cooked there for years and invited all my friends to join me. I learned that homelessness could happen to anyone and I got to see a lot of people find their way out of it with a little help. Now that the tent cities are visible to everyone here in Austin I am hoping that as a whole we start to recognize them as part of our society and take care of them in turn. Last week I saw a woman in the grassy median of a major intersection outside of her tent. She was digging in the dirt and planting seeds. It was everything. It broke my heart and it filled me with hope. I totally believe in that lady and I have hope that the new leaf project will spread.

Day 266: Pumpkin Soup with yogurt, hemp seeds and scallions. I added the pumpkin purée I made last week to some bone broth and warmed it through. So damn good.

Grateful

Yesterday was heavy. When we walked into the church his mother immediately approached us to ask if we were her sons friends. She had his eyes and it broke my heart. The service was a traditional catholic mass, the first I have ever attended. It wasn’t reflective of my friend at all but it did appear to comfort his family. Funerals are for the living, right? That’s what I kept telling myself anyway.. hymn after hymn. Much of what the priest had to say didn’t land with me but towards the end he was talking about the after life and what one takes with them as they go into it. That moving on you no longer need have a need for faith or hope but the love you shared stays with you. That felt like a message I could walk out of there with and feel good about. I was grateful to be there with some of his friends and to meet a few more. We stood in the parking lot afterward and shared some stories. I saw that he was less alone than I previously believed and I got a chance to further accept that there wasn’t much more that I could have done while he was still here. I have been struggling with that. Replaying things in my mind, moving the pieces around to see if there could have been a different outcome. Just to torture myself. As we climbed in the car I was grateful. Grateful to connect with more of his friends. Grateful for the stories and to hear I wasn’t alone in my feelings about the service. Over dinner we discussed reincarnation a little bit. Whether it is a reality or not may never be consciously known but it is comforting and fun to think about. I like the idea that we will all know each other again just as we have before. That there is another opportunity to learn, connect and live a life you love. The loss of Patrick is hard to accept but it has made me feel more called to do the work I have set out to do. To help people recover and come back to themselves. And well, we are all recovering from something.

Day 264: Hot Salad (yams, bell peppers, broccoli rabe, carrots, squash and garlic) with poached eggs and fancy, bubbly blueberry shrubs. I got to wake up and make breakfast with friends for the first time in ages. I have missed this. I taught them how to poach eggs, we listened to Billy Holiday and it was just really good for my heart. Feeling truly grateful to be in such good company. AND it’s really great to be around their pets.. note to self: get a damn pet already.

Day 262

I have been in my head a lot lately. More so than normal. Tomorrow I am attending a memorial service for a friend who passed back in June. There was no public service at the time due to the pandemic. While I have never thought of myself as particularly traditional, I am ritualistic and paying my respects with others who knew him feels particularly important right now. It wasn’t Covid. I am actually still uncertain of how he died. I believe it was overdose or suicide. He went back out after 8 years of sobriety and it just took him. Quick too. Maybe 6 months. I think back over our conversations during quarantine and I knew he was having a rough go of it. His voice often scared me but I truly believed he would find his way out. I had offered to get him into rehab or to help find him a therapist but it never came to be. I say all of this in hopes that anyone who hears this knows that there is someone out there who is rooting for you. Someone that wants to help. You are never really alone and things honestly can get better. You can get sober. You can get out of the toxic relationship or the debt or your head or that job, whatever feels overwhelming can change. Reach out. Hell, hit me up. I may not have all the answers but I have ears and I care.

I took a walk this morning to soak up some sunlight and feel my feels. Watching the leaves fall and walking into the wind made me grateful to be here, to be anywhere. Grateful to have the ability to sit (or walk) with my feelings rather than abandon them like I have in the past. On the way back to the house I saw so many pecans. They were all over the ground. I gathered up what I could carry. They reminded me that each season comes with its own gift. That the world really is abundant. It’s just a matter of what you are available to see.

Day 262: Oatmeal with loads of cinnamon, topped off with yogurt, blueberry & pomegranate compote, cacao nibs and pecans. So grounding. I didn’t want a ton of sugar in the compote so I sweetened it with a tablespoon of coconut sugar and a table spoon of maple syrup. It worked out well. Although I am going to make another batch and tweak it a bit.