Saboteur

I was thinking today, as I flipped and fried several dozen eggs, about happiness. Defined as a state of happy, feeling or showing pleasure or contentment. Simple enough at times, not so much at others. Right? But it’s like this thing. Gotta be happy. Me and happy have had a strange relationship over the years. From official to superficial and everything in between. Sometimes I believe I think too much to ever be fully happy.. but then I can’t help but see a thought like that as some form of self sabotage. I mean, hell, I am happy that I can think! That I have things to think about! I have though, in the past, gone the distance to sabotage my own happiness. Leaning in to my excuses instead of affirmations.. suddenly skipping my work out routine just as I start seeing results.. dating clearly unavailable people.. that time I got hammered the night before a job interview.. getting hammered at any point.. buying stuff I don’t need rather than putting money in my savings account.. classic sabotage moves. I am getting better at getting out of my own way though. I recognize these behaviors for what they are and I don’t beat myself up for thinking about going there. Instead I reflect and think it through. Just like in early sobriety. If I wanted to go hang out at the bar and drink my face off I would play it out.. once I got to the hangover and empty wallet part of the story I was no longer interested. Now I set goals and tell myself that I can do it. That I can do anything as long as I do not try to do everything. My therapist told me that we self sabotage because on some level we believe we do not deserve to be happy. That it is an issue of self worth. I used to get so pissed off any time he would bring up self worth. I was offended at the insinuation. He was right though. At that point I didn’t feel worthy of much. Not even “feeling or showing pleasure or contentment”. But today I thought what if it is also a matter of mortality? We know we are going to die and to be fully happy would make it that much more heart breaking when it was time to leave. It’s kind of sweet to think about. It made me realize that I have always viewed death as “The Big Relief”. Maybe that is because of the people I have known who have died and the suffering that led up to it. Or maybe dragging mortality into it is just a sneaky way to continue on with my self sabotage. I can just hear my teenage self, “What does it matter? We’re all gonna die anyway.” I was such a ray of sunshine. I don’t really know where I am going with this.. it has been a long day and I am just sort of wandering around in old beliefs I am excited to rewrite. Thoughts? Are you happy? Or are you a fellow saboteur?

Day 198: Rice cake with almond butter, coconut cream, peaches, cherries and pumpkin seeds. It made me pretty flipping happy. I didn’t want an egg after cooking so many. Go figure.

Hangover flashback

Oof. I woke up this morning, at some little motor lodge in the middle of nowhere and when I opened my eyes I was confused. I instantly thought “Uh oh.. where the fuhk am I?” Epic hangover flashback. It has been a hot minute since I woke up in a strange place unsure of why. Like when you wake up from a drinking dream and you’re worried it was not a dream at all.. But I deciphered that no, I was not hungover and quickly recalled why I was not in my own bed and that there was nothing to be ashamed about. No holes in my memory. No unsavory over night guest. Just the quiet of the desert and an obscene amount of pillows.. who needs 6 pillows? Anyway, another beautiful hangover free day. I am grateful. The journey continues. Time to get back on the road.

Day 197: Oat milk yogurt, granola, bloobs and a banana. Turns out I didn’t have a spoon on my person.. so this was fun.

In the wind

Man, back when I was drinking, spontaneity was the name of the game. There was no plan beyond - let’s see where the night goes. I referred to it as being “in the wind”. Looking back it was just pure chaos. I was a bit more feral than free. A lot of me liked not knowing what would happen. Know one could say I was risk-averse. I felt anything else would be a boring way to live. These days, in sobriety, stability is what’s turning my crank. It holds more value now than the novelty my partying brought me. Living much more cautiously, consciously has become very rewarding. I try to be the still little center my universe has always needed. Today my little routine and the stability I have found in the day to day are getting rocked a little bit. I am about to hit the road for an out of the blue work trip. This happens from time to time. I get an offer with little notice and decide to just say yes. I am grateful for the opportunity to get out of town. I am looking forward to a long drive. It always clears my mind. The cash will be nice too. Part of me though, doesn’t want to leave my stable little nest and all the safe comfort it offers me. I took a quick spin on my bike at sunrise to wake up a bit and wave goodbye to the neighborhood. Now I am packed and fed and it’s time to roll out. Into the wind we go!

Day 196: Rice cake with avocado, pesto and yogurt (all mashed together), hard boiled egg, basil and sunflower seeds. Watermelon on the side.

Zero Chill

I got up before sunrise, threw on some sweat pants and went to get in line at the DMV. With things as they are they urge you to make an appointment but the system kept crashing and I decided to go rogue and take my chances. It all panned out and only took several hours of my life here on earth. Not the worst. Definitely better than being hassled by cops over a sticker. The thing that sucked was that nearly everyone I interacted with had no chill, what so ever. It was challenging to roll out of bed and into a pack of very vocal and largely pissed off people. Those who had appointments were steamed that others did not. At some point a security guard came within a foot of me and began yelling that I was not 6 feet from the person in front of me. The irony. A different security guard yelled at me about having my insurance card on my phone and not printed out on paper. A lot of micro aggression going on at the DMV, or more than usual I should say. The very worst parts of me wanted to join in and yell back. To point out that I did not want to be there AT ALL! Appointment or not. That honestly 6 feet still felt too close and that if I had it my way that security guard would be 600 miles away from me, ya know, for safety. These thoughts made me regret not having breakfast before I left the house… but I managed to keep my cool. I did my best to keep my eyebrows from climbing up my forehead and into my hairline. I kept breathing. I kept reminding myself that kindness costs nothing. I kept trying to put myself in their shoes. I kept thinking of how grateful I am to have the money to pay (what I feel to be) an arbitrary fee. Grateful to have the time to stand and wait and watch the sun come up.. and to be doing so without an epic hangover and taking it all so very personally... hungover Bonnie took everything personally, on a professional level. Finally, with my sticker in hand I climbed back in my car, turned up some Shannon and the Clams and sang along.. feeling grateful that I had kept my mouth shut at the DMV and ultimately did not take part in making anyone’s day worse. Be kind, people. Sometimes when you don’t want to be. Don’t take things personally. Sing in the car. It is a way better use of your energy and your vocal chords.

Day 195: Kimchi, avocado, cilantro, mango, sunflower and pumpkin seeds.
I keep saying it… Kimchi is like Prozac.. it eases anxiety and curbs depression. I learned this years ago when I was thinking of going on meds. I googled “popular antidepressants” (that pairing of words gave me the first laugh I’d had in a long time) and found that fermented foods are a natural way of keeping our brain chemistry on the up and up. If I have not yet convinced you to add kimchi to your diet, well, buckle up or unsubscribe because I’m not going to shut up about it.

Everyone needs the D

Vitamin D that is! We are not talking about sex today. We are talking about sunshine! Both are great but one is vital. Especially these days. Your immune system loves the D. While you can get a little bit of the stuff in egg yolks, cheese and liver the highest concentration can be found in fatty fish and their liver oils. Maybe you eat these things, maybe you take a supplement and that’s awesome but getting outside is where you get the most bang for zero bucks. Because here’s the thing, your body works with the sun to manufacture the stuff. DIY is always a preferred method in my world. To understand more about who, what, when and why in the land of vitamin D I recommend tuning into this episode of Radio Lab. If you are unfamiliar with this show, get ready to become obsessed. This OG podcast is on the same level as This American Life. It is podcast royalty basically. Enjoy! Maybe I will see you outside!

Day 194: Butternut squash purée, seared cherry tomatoes, scallion, red bell pepper, kale and a soft boiled egg. I roasted the squash in my Carcuma golden paste. Once it was cooled I blended with with some full fat coconut milk, skin and all. Totally comforting results.

Stress-less

I’ve got a lot of things on the horizon right now and that stress keeps trying to creep in on me. My ego is telling me things like “dude, you’re going to fuck it up..” and that’s ok. It’s just trying to keep me safe. Silly ego. No worries, I am breathin’, smudging the house, wearing my shades and drinking this ultra rad smoothie. It is complete with Ashwagandha to help lower my cortisol levels and Chaga (amazing adaptogenic mushrooms) to help improve my bodies response to stress. You can pick up both of these awesome ingredients (powder or tea) in any health food store. Add powders to smoothies or tea to your soups. It’s a good time. Literally. You’ll feel better.

Day 193: Kale, bananas, bloobs, chia, coconut cream (for fat, I saved some from the soup I made last night), 1/2 a date, almond butter, sesame, flax and sunflower seed oil + rhodioloa, tulsi, chaga, Ashwagandha and wheat grass.

Persistence

“Persistence guarantees that results are inevitable.”

— Paramahansa Yogananda

I think I am going to write this on my yoga mat.. or on my bathroom mirror.. or the insoles of my shoes.. or on the sidewalk in front of the capital building. Raise your hand if you will bail me out should I get busted for defacing public property. If you can’t tell I am feeling back on it today. I rested yesterday. I balanced out my feelings of blah with bright colorful food and a little bit of sunshine. I feel present again. Ready again. It just took a day of being blah and patient with myself. Being persistent on your path does not mean that you will never have to stop to tie your shoe. Patience and persistence have a thing going on. You rarely see one without the other.

Day 192: Sweet potato, oyster mushrooms, kale, red bell pepper and scallions with sunflower, pumpkin seeds and a soft boiled egg. Blueberries on the side. EAT ALL THE COLORS. And hey, if you crave sugar add more sweet potato to your diet. Their natural sweetness will satisfy that craving, give you an energy boost, help your brain function and aid in digestion. All things that will keep from crashing and reaching for unhealthy sweets.

What is new and good?

It is Monday. The tea is brewed. The rent is paid. The moon is full. And.. I am tired. That is not necessarily new or good but it is and it is ok. I am not feeling the new and good vibes today but there is no doom or gloom. I just feel quiet. As an introvert I have to say that this project is hard sometimes in the sense that I don’t necessarily have the energy to share anything with anyone, but I am the one who set up the parameters and I want to follow through on my goal of 365 posts in 365 days. I wanted something that would get me writing beyond my journal every day and eating regularly.. because I really wasn’t. The eating is no longer the issue but sometimes I struggle to write everyday. I am doing my best to stick with it. My friend Nimai called as I was sitting down At my computer this morning.. She wanted a little bit of advice and in the end I think she helped me more than I helped her. We talked about convection ovens, authenticity, discipline and how being just ok is ok. Funny how we all need that reminder from time to time. I know I said I wasn’t feeling the new and good vibes but… Nimai is taking a new big step with her business today. Maybe the newest and goodest of things would be to support her by ordering some amazing vegan cookies from Nimai’s Kitchen. They are made right here in Austin with love by Nimai herself. She and I worked together at a recovery center back in the day. I was a chef and she was a therapist. Her energy was always welcome in my kitchen. She showed up with hugs and wanting to taste test everything, which I love. Funny story when I met her I didn’t realize that she had been in one of my favorite bands, Prince Rama. She is lovely and talented human and I am really glad she called. Now to ride my bike, jam some Prince Rama and get some cookies in the mail. Have a beautiful day. Feel whatever you feel. Have a cookie.

Day 191: Forager Cashew yogurt, cantaloupe, blueberries, coconut butter, chia seeds and a sprinkle of spirulina and a splash or Udo’s 3-6-9. Protein, healthy fat, fiber, probiotics, potassium, antioxidants, omega’s and deliciousness.

Life is what happens away from the computer..

I think Sunday’s may become screen free. A weekly scheduled 24 hour fasting to cleanse my mind and my eyes balls. A ritualistic unplugging. No content. No emails. No likes. No feeds. Just hobbies, meal prepping, the farmers market, bike rides, badminton, soaking up some sun, talking to my plants, being present and on really good Sundays, puzzles. My neighbor Jeffrey and I just started this 1500 piece beast. I love working on a puzzle. While the anxious parts of me may be convinced that “we are missing a piece” the over all effect of putting it together reminds me that in my life I already have everything I need.. I just need the focus and perspective to get it all in place.. and to enjoy the process.

Day 190: Avocado, kimchi, pineapple, kale, cucumber, amaranth sprouts. Refreshing, spicy and great for the immune system.

Value

Today someone told me to say ‘no’ to things that feel heavy and ‘yes’ to what feels expensive. I really liked this piece of advice and quickly set off to over analyze it. I felt like it challenged the tune I’ve been dancing to for most of my life. I have been endlessly intrigued by things that feel heavy. Some kind of heroine/martyr complex, no doubt. Or perhaps it was too much Nietzsche at an early age. Taking that “life is suffering” stuff to heart. I think I may have scoffed had someone dropped this suggestion on me a few years ago. Even now, the bratty punk rock kid that still lives somewhere inside of me is really put off by the idea of expensive being the preference when struggling, having something to complain about and bragging rights are an option. Managing something heavy (aka being burdened) sounds like work. While I have joked that ‘work’ is my least favorite four letter word, work is a place where we often find purpose. A place to prove ourselves. Expensive sounds material, shiny, superficial.. Nonessential. Or maybe it is something I previously believed I was undeserving of..? This gem has been tumbling around in my head a lot today. Smoothing it out at some moments and making it harder than it had to be at others. Eventually I took what she said to mean… the weight of something does not necessarily dictate its value. To consider the cost of what you set your sights on. And last but not least, you deserve nice things. Physically, mentally and emotionally. Maybe someone else needed to hear this today. Who else is ready to warm up to expensive?

Day 189: Coffee cake, yogurt and blueberries.. I regret everything (accept the blueberries). Starting the day off with cake did not serve me at all. My mind felt dull and scattered. My energy levels were blah or resting at a flu blast “never mind”.I was irritable and tense by noon. Could have been the cause of my overthinking. Maybe I am too sensitive but cake for breakfast is a supposedly fun thing I’ll never do again.

Friday’s… ain’t what they used to be.

Friday’s have lost their luster in my world.. between quarantine, sobriety and geez, let’s call it celibacy… Friday is like Thursday or Tuesday. Just another day. Another hangover free day, thankfully. I was thinking though if I could relive any Friday night ever which would it be? Instantly I remembered when Friday’s started with my mom dropping me off at the roller skating rink with my best friend Gabe. Our hair always heavily teased. Friendship bracelets stacked up on our wrists. Dr. Pepper Lip Smackers liberally applied. We said “like” way too much and always got in trouble for chewing gum on the rink. We felt so rebellious. Gum! Can you imagine? We would skate in circles until we had blisters or they killed the lights and made us leave. Whichever came first. In remembrance of those innocent, stellar Friday nights.. I made a little Skate Nite mix. I will 100% be adding to this. Slow skate, fast skate, backwards and couples! Please send suggestions!

Day 188: Leftovers and scrambled eggs. A classic move. Potatoes, scallions, roasted poblano pepper, corn, & shishitos (aka shi-shi’s) with cilantro and sunflower sprouts. Fruit on the side.

#TBT

Someone asked me how I was feeling this morning and with zero bullshit I said “Great!” I fully meant it too. A hundred or so Thursday’s ago this response would have been flat and sarcastic or worse, a weak but hopeful lie. Throughout my first few stints of sobriety I was really struggling with some health issues. I was seeing doctors that were not seeing me. They would do blood work and stare blankly at the results while they talked rather than look me in the eye. They never came back with anything definitive. My hormone levels were out of whack. My period had basically disappeared. My kidneys were in bad shape. They were concerned about my thyroid. One doctor screened me for cancer. Another wanted to put me on hormones. None of them said anything about the fact that I weighed 110 lbs. No one asked me what (or if) I was eating or how I was sleeping. No one asked about my stress levels. They seemed unconcerned that my hair was falling out or that my blood pressure was so low I got dizzy just standing up. When I told them I was sober and used to binge drink often no one asked why… as if my health and whatever underlying emotional issue that I had been drinking about were not connected. I felt hollow, ghostly even. How could I not? Those doctors just would not look at me. To make it worse I was seeing someone at the time and my health (or lack there of) seemed to repel him. The sicker I got and the more I hoped he would show up for me the further he drifted. I took it personally. It made me feel like I was not worth caring for. Of course, we see things the way we are. I was the one not caring for me. What he did or did not do, really didn’t matter much at all. I was underweight because I was not eating well and the drinking had left my body in a state where it could not absorb the nutrients I needed from what I did manage to eat. I was starved. Physically and emotionally and while it was convenient to blame others the issue was with me. One day, at another expensive doctors visit she said the words “autoimmune disease” and I just woke up. There it was. The call was coming from inside the house. My body was attacking itself. I was attacking myself. I had managed to get sober but the same issues had persisted. I suddenly knew I did not need to see these doctors anymore. I had been outsourcing my self care and that had to stop. On my drive home I thought about the hateful ways I talked to myself in my head and how much it was hurting me. I thought about all the drinking I had done to drowned out all that hate and I cried. Partially because I was starting to feel all the things I had never wanted to feel but mostly I just was relieved. I had broken down and I could not run from myself anymore.
This was the first time I had been sober long enough to see what the real problem was. I finally felt available and aware enough to fix my relationship, with myself. The guy was long gone by this point but that day I stopped taking it personally. I realized that yeah, maybe he did not care and if so he had not done anything that I had not done to myself. It was also likely that my being mysteriously ill scared him and he just did not know how to handle the situation. Not ideal but, fair. These days I am healthier than I have ever been. Sometimes I catch glimpses of the past in the people I work with and I am so grateful to be in a place that helps others know that it can be different.

Day 187: Hot salad & lemonade with ginger and turmeric// Sautéed kale, pattypan squash, scallions, portobello mushrooms with avocado and an egg that flew a little too close to the sun. No worries though. If you ever over fry your egg, “nothing is fucked here” just chop it up and pretend you meant to do that. * wink *

Check it: Having citrus with your greens helps you absorb the iron in them, plus it tastes great.

Sweat, Breath and Coconuts..

This title popped into my head as I was cruising around on my bike this morning, working up an appetite. It is the sober version of Sex, Drugs and Cocopuffs and it has been cracking me up all day. The subtitle would have to be upgraded to “A Glow Culture Manifesto”. Dreaming up what a book like this would actually be like inspired my breakfast and little creative writing session before I headed off to work. We’ll see if anything comes from it…

Day 186: Oat groats with coconut cream, strawberries, bloobs, cacao nibs and seeds. I cooked the oats in coconut water. I had never tried before but will totally be doing do again. They tasted cleaner, nuttier and mildly sweet. They didn’t feel so heavy. I am excited to play around with this idea some more. Summer is a great time to be coconut crazy. It is just good every which way (unless you put it in a cake and then I would have to call YOU crazy but hey, to each their own). Coconut is mega hydrating and yet, pretty fatty, which I dig. It’s loaded with magnesium, selenium, copper, zinc and vitamin B6. All of which are super important for your body in recovery. Low B6 can lead to depression. Not enough Magnesium can keep you from sleeping and cause you to feel anxious. Coconuts are also a great source of potassium which is vital to your health. It regulates the fluid balance in our bodies, lowers blood pressure, reduces muscle cramps and the risk of stroke. Maybe coconuts are a fruit, a nut, a seed.. I dunno! And I’m not going to google it! We could probably make a good case for all three.. Either way they are definitely delicious tropical magical.

*If you want to try it.. Soak 1 cup of oat groats overnight in 1 cup of water and 2 tblsp of apple cider vinegar. Rinse them in the morning and cook them at a low simmer for 5 minutes in 1 cup of coconut water. Top them off with anything you like or eat them undressed. Sometimes naked is best.

Happy Place

The summer heat is something I generally shrug off. 107 degrees fails to shock or deter me. I have accepted that Texas can feel like a hell mouth for 6 months out of the year. That’s fine. There are plenty of ways to cool off. You can wear less, take a cold shower, have some coconut water, a popsicle, get someone to turn the hose on you or go for a swim at Barton springs. Every day. Unless there’s a pandemic and you don’t feel safe getting in it. The pool IS open but I don’t quite trust it. It is a mega bummer. Barton springs became my happy place in early sobriety. I went there every night to cool off and swim laps instead of bellying up at the bar. I burned off all that raw anxiety, felt reborn and slept like a gd baby every night. Until I trust the pool I guess my new happy place is JuiceLand. It does smell like bananas and there is a lot of shade.. I like that. The drinks are solid and zero proof. The people are friendly. All things I like. Yeah there’s no where to cannonball and it would be inappropriate if anyone were to take their top off but, they accept me for the sweaty stinky mess I am. That’s something. Cheers, to adjusting, to new happy places, to fall.. pray for an early fall.

Day 185: The Rehydrator! Watermelon, raspberry, mango, peach, beet, coconut oil, mint, lime and sea salt. Delightful.

Here is an old shot from the pool one night, just before I dove in..

Please allow me to introduce myself..

Lately I’ve been noticing a lot of new readers and I thought “Maybe I should re-introduce myself…” and then I realized that I had never formally done that to begin with. So, hey! I am Bonnie Rue and I really, truly appreciate you taking the time to visit this little virtual corner of the world. A little bit about me… I have been called woo-ey, empathic, bratty, sarcastic and challenging. All compliments, clearly but I would really like to be remembered as omnivorous, curious, perceptive, creative and kind. I work as a private chef and integrative nutrition coach in Austin, Tx (originally from Dallas, in case the big hair didn’t give it away). I am sober and loving it. It is what lead to me studying nutrition in the first place. I wanted to work with people in recovery. To teach them how to stabilize their mood, care for themselves and heal their systems through colorful, healthy and nutritious food. This new direction presented itself to me while I was working as a chef at a small recovery center. It became obvious that nearly everyone who changed the way they ate felt less anxious and were in turn less likely to relapse. I loved seeing them transform and commit to it. So I enrolled in school and now I get to support and cheer people on as they change their lives and become the fullest expression of themselves. I never imagined any of this for me but I could not be more thrilled! This is the first job I have ever had that gives me a true sense of purpose. I have found my path! Trust me, I looked everywhere. Over the years I have worked as a… Booking agent, fashion designer, head of marketing, phone psychic, bar tender, nanny, PA, stage manager and pizza slinger extraordinaire. To name a few. I did really love making pizza.. pizza makes people very happy but, not very healthy. Ergo, pie and purpose are two different things.

Beyond work and sobriety? I am crowding 40 and feeling 25. My hobbies include painting, drawing, talking to my plants, feeling awesome, solo dance parties, collecting vintage food themed jigsaw puzzles, yoga, foraging, thinking about minimalism, thinking about every-thing.. cruising around on my bike, befriending neighborhood cats and playing with my food.

So, that’s me. If you or someone you know could benefit from working with a health coach I will have room to take on 5 new clients at the end of August. Consultations are free. Email me to schedule yours today, bonnie@nakedandeggs.com.

Day 194: Arugula, avocado, beet kimchi (spicy!), sunflower sprouts, mango, bloobs, serrano peppers and pumpkin seeds, dressed in foraged lime and Udo’s 3*6*9.

Sunday Funday

Sunday’s rule! No one gives you any grief on a Sunday. I woke up early, made myself this ultra green breakfast. It reminded me of that Beck song 🎶 she’s cooking salad for breakfast… she’s got tofu the size of texas🎶.. it was stuck in my head all day long. I had a great meeting with one of my favorite coaching clients. When we got off the phone I felt really optimistic and my body was like “let’s go outside!” and so we did. Gotta keep that work / play balance in check. I went for a swim, ate a lot of cherries and rode my bike around in the rain. It was awesome! Sunday forever? Can we make that happen?

Day 193: Kale, portobello mushrooms, zucchini and yam hash with a 6 minute egg, pesto and sunflower sprouts.

Airplane Mode

Friday night was spent celebrating International Self-Care Day. I put my phone on airplane mode, cued up a Leo Sayer based radio station on spotify and rain danced around the apartment while a new batch of grain free granola was in the oven. It is remarkable how ones definition of a good time can change so drastically. Putting the ole phone on airplane mode is like cancelling plans, taking your bra off after work and that “catch me if you can” feeling you get when you speed past a cop who has already pulled over someone else, all at once. You’re off the hook. Literally and figuratively. Free AF. The rain dancing paid off, the granola is absolutely addictive and so is airplane mode. Peace of mind and partially cloudy skies for the win. I am going to let this theme roll through the weekend and straight to voicemail.

Day 192 : Grain free granola made with all of the nuts, tahini, maple syrup, soft rock disco vibes and love + bananas, bloobs and almond milk yogurt. I have to say that I am not wild about the yogurt… It seems like something I would enjoy, like trivia night. All signs point to “Bonnie would love this!” but NOPE. No dice. Not my jam. Not my yogurt.

Do we live in a sick society?

Clearly we do. I was tuned into this as I got my day going. I figured I would drop it here. Give it a spin and have a beautiful day.

Day 191: kimchi, mango blueberries, sunflower sprouts and a splash of Udo’s 3*6*9 with some cucumber mint water. Remember… eat all the colors. Eat ‘em!

Crazy making..

I am so grateful to be sober and much less anxious in this new, scary, strange and crazy making time we are living in. I am greatful to be present and emotionally stable in this nightmare. To be in a place where I can recognize the little wins and lovely moments that exist. To be actively looking for them. If this had gone down while I was still running from my problems I think it would have all been too overwhelming. It may have left me hopeless. This morning as I get up the birds are chirping, the sun gently stretching in though the window while I read the headlines over a cup of tea. They are are frightening. They are befuddling, heartbreaking… crazy making. Covid cases are doubling, moms in Portland are having to hit the streets and mom it up against the secret police that have taken over their city. Their own mayor got tear gassed but he remained at the front. Solidarity. I like it. But.. How are we allowing this to happen? Didn’t Melania Trump set out to squelch bullying? Considering her choice in life partners I can see why it is an issue close to heart but clearly she is no authority on how one might shut it down. Speaking of shutting it down.. Another headline reads that Trump is boasting about passing a “difficult” cognitive test. Studies show that people with higher cognitive abilities are more likely to learn and apply social stereotypes. They also show that those with high cognitive function find it easier to unlearn stereotypes when presented with new information. So, I would be interested in seeing his test results. I generally refuse to accept that anyone is a lost cause but this guy…

I had a laugh when I came across this space camp shirt this morning. Space Camp sounds like a fun alternative to this reality. I wonder what a summer of 2020 tshirt would feature… Social (distancing) clubs? Victory gardens? “YOLO” is probably out. A bit too dark for these summer vibes.

Okay. No more news for me today. I am off to work and to find things to smile about. I will report back.

Day 190: Smoothie and burrito to go. One Wondershowzen (banana, spinach, peanut butter, almond milk and hemp protein) + 1/2 a Frijole Roller. Juice land for the win! Always makes me smile. This is the burrito of my teenage vegan dreams. Back then we just had Taco Bell.. Yuck x 2.

Better living through natural chemistry.

Wednesday’s were once highly significant days of the week for me. It was the day I would treat myself to a shot in the arm. Back when I was a full time party girl I didn’t just frequent the bar, I was also a regular at the lab. I found a place in town with $25 B complex shots. I got the idea from my dad. He worked for a record label and always mentioned that a lot of artists would have doctors meet them on the tour to revive them with B complex shots. If it worked for the likes of Tom Petty and The Rolling Stones surely it would make all the difference for me. It was mildly effective. I didn’t realize that at the time. I thought it was wildly effective simply because my baseline for feeling good was incredibly low and heavily altered. I felt it was a godsend but it was just a band-aid. Nothing more than a short cut to caring for myself. Pseudo heath. I wanted to be the kind of person who was glowing and healthy and well, happy.. but that is not where I was. I was at the bar and it went on like that for years. Band-aids everywhere. Tequila shots to drowned out my anxiety. B shots to balance out the tequila. Make up to cover my inflamed complexion. Coffee to give me the energy to keep doing it all. Later I learned that B vitamins are water soluble… oops. All that drinking I was doing was leaving me too dehydrated to absorb the needed amount of those quick fix shots. I honestly thought I was so clever.. and I can be but, not so much as to trick my body out of its needs. Drinking regularly tanks our B-6 and B-12 levels specifically. Bad news considering they plays vital roles in the production of brain chemicals that effect our moods. The consequences have psychiatric manifestations beyond depression. Operating in a B-12 deficit can lead to memory loss, hallucinations, and even dementia. A lack of B6 is common in depression due to decreased serotonin levels in the brain. All of this because alcohol makes our guts inhospitable. Incapable of absorbing the nutrients in our food. Our digestive systems crave B vitamins as much as our brains do. Don’t forget the two are in cahoots. So, if you are here I am going to assume you want to balance out your mood and your guts. Natural chemistry to the rescue! After taking booze out of the equation you could go get a B complex shot, add a supplement to your daily routine OR you could make sure it shows up on your plate. Seeing as how you gotta eat anyway - try packing more of these into your diet. You will legitimately be happy that you did.

• Eggs (tell me you saw that coming..)

• Leafy greens (kale, spinach, chard, broccoli, arugula)

• Legumes (beans, lentils)

• Seeds and Nuts

• Fruits (avocado, banana, citrus)

Check it out.. I did it all in one move!

Day 189: Kitchari with kale and zucchini, avocado, lemon, seeds (chia, hemp, sunflower and pumpkin), sunflower sprouts and one egg, sunny side up.